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Cohen89
04-Feb-06, 16:50
Intellectual Jokes

Hey, they’re non offensive, smart, and yes, there is usually a delayed reaction.

Here are three of my favorite jokes:

Q: What is the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?

A: An etymologist would know the difference



Q: How does Orion keep his pants up?

A: With an asteroid belt

Two hydrogens are walking along a street. The first one says, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!" The second one replies, "Are you sure?" The first one then says, "Yeah, I'm POSITIVE."

Hilarious, I was wondering if any one else shares the same dry humor as I do. And please feel free to post any jokes that create a subtle reaction.

PlantPerson
04-Feb-06, 16:57
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

I've told this one many times, and not once have I seen someone get it before blinking a few times.

jackj
04-Feb-06, 17:42
I don't get it.

PassiveSmoking
04-Feb-06, 17:46
An Priest, a Minister and a Rabi walk into a tavern. The guy behind the counter says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

jackj
04-Feb-06, 17:47
But I do have a joke, a daughter comes home very late on a school night, her father, a preacher, waiting in the entrance asked her "Where she were you and why does your breath smell like alcohol!?", she replies "I was at the library". He then says get to your room now Satan's daughter. She then replies "Yes father" There is something very funny in there.

P.S.:
I really don't mean to be offensive or anything of the sort.

Lord of the Rings Junkie
04-Feb-06, 17:47
The passengers on a small plane are a quite surprised when the pilots arrive.

The pilots walk up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses. One has a seeing-eye dog, the other is tapping his way with a white-tipped cane.

The cockpit door closes, the engines start up.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. People by the windows realize they're heading right towards the water at the end of the runway.

Panic ensues. Screams fill the air. At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. "Y'know, Bob," he says. "One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

[Edit] "Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks."
jackj: "I don't get it."

Think about it a bit, you'll get it.

WhiteBoy
04-Feb-06, 18:00
The passengers on a small plane are a quite surprised when the pilots arrive.

The pilots walk up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses. One has a seeing-eye dog, the other is tapping his way with a white-tipped cane.

The cockpit door closes, the engines start up.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. People by the windows realize they're heading right towards the water at the end of the runway.

Panic ensues. Screams fill the air. At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. "Y'know, Bob," he says. "One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

:D

I know a lot of fart jokes. I guess that doesn't quite count as "intellectual humor" though.

Lord of the Rings Junkie
04-Feb-06, 18:26
Ya mean like this?

Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl. The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB."

The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH."

The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM."

The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."

At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look. It's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.

Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well. I don't know. A young girl like that. I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"

Friday13
04-Feb-06, 18:29
A buddhist monk approaches a hot dog vendor and tells him: "Make me one with everything".

theeth
04-Feb-06, 18:33
Three guys are in a bar.

- Hey, we should start a pessimists club!
- Bah, it's never gonna work.

;)

Martin

ajc158
04-Feb-06, 19:09
OK, you asked for it, maths jokes:

What's the countour integral of western Europe?

0, because all the poles are in the east.


How do you know if operators live in the suburbs?

Because they commute.

also:

What's pink and hard in the morning?

The Financial Times crossword.


A man walks into a bar, and realises he is slightly under atmospheric pressure.


That's it for now...

Alex

orion119net
04-Feb-06, 19:23
Hey, was that second joke in the first post aimed at me?

:<

Cohen89
04-Feb-06, 19:43
Well having buttocks the size of Jupiter is an insult, but I assure you the joke wasn't aimed at you. So there is no need to get into a hissy-fit. 8)

orion119net
04-Feb-06, 19:47
Yea I know.

Its fun though.

Coalth
04-Feb-06, 19:51
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

I've told this one many times, and not once have I seen someone get it before blinking a few times.

I got that the first time I heard it. ( but I was 5 or 7, so "bar in the usual sense wasn't commonplace in my vocabulary) ;)

PlantPerson
06-Feb-06, 06:24
It is said that physicist Niels Bohr had a horseshoe hung above his desk. It was correctly oriented, ends up, so that the "luck wouldn't run out." One day a friend saw it, and asked, "Why do you have that up there? Surely you don't think it will bring good luck!" Niels replied, "Of course I don't. That's the most ridiculous and absurd claptrap I've ever heard. Of course I don't believe it would bring good luck. However, I've been told that a horseshoe brings good luck whether your believe in it or not..."


Bah. Asimov told it better.

kit89
06-Feb-06, 07:01
Heres one that I remember.

Why do they use Windows 3000 as prison security?

Because it alwasys locks up. :P

(Yes i know there is no such thing as Windows 3000 but the joke came from a tv program.)

Saxofoner
06-Feb-06, 07:05
LOL, I think you should say Windows ME! :D It sucks.

PassiveSmoking
06-Feb-06, 08:12
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better
programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come
to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the Judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They
type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for
several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the
competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the
electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God
announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show
what he has come up with.
Satin is visibly upset and cries, "I have nothing, I lost
it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then, " says God, "let us see if Jesus fared
any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in
vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pours forth
from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost
everything yet Jesus' program is Intact! How did he do it?"
God Chuckles, "Everybody knows...Jesus Saves."

kit89
06-Feb-06, 13:30
Heres a few more:

A man opens up a door in his pyjamas. Strange place to have a door.

What Eats Shoots and leaves?

(Should I tell you the answer or lets you gues first? I'll make you guess. :D)

Lord of the Rings Junkie
06-Feb-06, 13:34
You have moved the mouse. Windows NT must reboot for the changes to take effect.

IanC
06-Feb-06, 13:53
What Eats Shoots and leaves?

A panda.

Whats the definition of a tachyon?
A gluon that hasn't quite dried.


Ian

kit89
06-Feb-06, 13:58
Quote:
What Eats Shoots and leaves?


A panda.

Damn you!! I could of gotten away with it if it wasnt for that medilling IanC. ;)

scabootssca
06-Feb-06, 14:12
i think we need an easy jokes thread that you dont have to think about forever to get

Cohen89
06-Feb-06, 14:38
Yes, well that is why it is called "Intellectual Jokes", and not "offensive, crude and easy to get jokes". As I stated "dry humor", and if you don't get it then that is your problem.

PassiveSmoking
07-Feb-06, 04:06
An Atom of something in flux
In Schroedinger's box is the crux
Of quantum prediction
And superposition
From the cat's point of view, it all sucks.

Nobody
13-Feb-06, 06:09
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

WingedOne
13-Feb-06, 11:21
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

lp_developer
13-Feb-06, 11:34
And then the necrophiliac said to the cannibal, hey thats my wife!"

indigomonkey
13-Feb-06, 13:09
You've probably all heard this one before... :D


e^x, lnx and sinx walk into a bar. Pretty soon, lnx and sinx are happily chatting away to a group of strangers, discussing the joys of mathematics and other raucous things, buying one another drinks.

However, lnx notices that e^x justs sits in the corner, staring into his glass, so he goes over to talk to him.

"What's the matter, e^x?" asks lnx. "You've been out of it all evening!"

"I know," says e^x. "I find it so difficult to talk to new people."

"Hmm, it can be difficult," says lnx. "You just need to integrate."

e^x gives an unhappy sigh. "I've tried!" he says, "but nothing happens!"

:D

Koba
13-Feb-06, 17:23
Oh god...I thought I was the only person on the planet who knew the above joke.

Kill it! Kill it! Before it is too late!

Damn - I suppose I need to add my contribution now. So here we go.

***

Three cats on a sloping roof, how can you find out which one will fall off first?

Answer: The one with the smallest mu.

***

I know it is terrible. Perhaps even more terrifying is that I understood all the jokes on this thread...even the ones about vector calculus.

Threads like this make me feel that elysiun has a lot of well-educated, computer-literate, intelligent people. More than average I mean - by a significant amount.

Sometimes it seem that there are more smart people here than at Oxford - and we are told this is one of the world's best Universities (trust me it isn't). This begs the question...are we all geeks?

Koba

SamAdam
13-Feb-06, 17:42
You've probably all heard this one before... :D


e^x, lnx and sinx walk into a bar. Pretty soon, lnx and sinx are happily chatting away to a group of strangers, discussing the joys of mathematics and other raucous things, buying one another drinks.

However, lnx notices that e^x justs sits in the corner, staring into his glass, so he goes over to talk to him.

"What's the matter, e^x?" asks lnx. "You've been out of it all evening!"

"I know," says e^x. "I find it so difficult to talk to new people."

"Hmm, it can be difficult," says lnx. "You just need to integrate."

e^x gives an unhappy sigh. "I've tried!" he says, "but nothing happens!"

:D

my life is sad that my first reaction was that that is incorrect!

the integral of e^x is (e^x)/dx

you should start your joke by defining x, or change that punchline to "You just need to integrate over x."

indigomonkey
13-Feb-06, 17:59
SamAdam: :D

Koba - which Oxford college are you at?

ajc158
13-Feb-06, 18:05
SamAdam, you remind me of another "joke".

A Biologist, Physicist and Mathematician are on a train, and pass a field. The Biologist sees a black sheep in the field and says to the other two "Look, there are black sheep!"

The physicist immediately corrects him, "No from this we can only say there is one black sheep."

The mathematician thinks a while, then carefully states "No, from this we can only determine that there is one sheep, one half of which is black!"

Koba: You are right Oxford does suck. That's why they are forcing students to go to lectures. That's also why I'm at Cambridge instead! :D

Alex

indigomonkey
13-Feb-06, 18:12
Koba: You are right Oxford does suck. That's why they are forcing students to go to lectures. That's also why I'm at Cambridge instead!
<sharp intake of breath>

Ah, you must mean Fenland Polytechnic? ;) :D

ajc158
13-Feb-06, 18:20
No, not the "other" Cambridge! :D

They are far too keen...

Alex

Koba
13-Feb-06, 18:38
I go to St Catz (St Catherine's College).

Cambridge would have been easy to get into with my A-levels. The natural sciences route would have suited me. As it turns out I am doing a ridiculously difficult physics degree here instead.

Hey...I'm not saying I would rather be a Tab. :D

That said, I personally think the Oxbridge rivallery is a load of immature shit. And since when have I been forced to go to lectures? What do you mean the "other" Cambridge...just like how at Oxford Brookes they call us the "other" Oxford?

Hmm... indigomonkey you go to Oxford? You seem to have a distaste for said polytechnic. :D

Koba

ajc158
13-Feb-06, 19:09
Apparantly Oxford will be bringing in a "Student Contract" along with the increased tuition fees, that will require students to go to lectures, supervisions etc... as a way of preventing students sueing the University when they fail (seems that more money = higher expectation of success).

So not yet, but soon.

Yes the rivalry is immature and pointless, but it's not like it's serious or heartfelt (in most cases). I personally don't care except that I find it amusing (because I am childish, I really should stop finding it so at 22 but, meh). I especially love the way that people from Oxford always feel the need to justify that they could have gone to Cam. Strange it never happens the other way...

I am doing Physics at Cam. Snap! (O.K. technically NatSci, but I haven't done anything but physics in two years, so I'm calling it physics)

Alex "sense of smug superiority" Cope :D :P

Koba
13-Feb-06, 20:14
Very cool.

I have several friends that went to Cambridge doing engineering, computer science and maths. I chose Oxford (I had my reasons) and I do not regret it - academically perhaps Cambridge would have been better for me. However, I wouldn't have been happy if I had gone there instead (for personal reasons). Frankly Oxford, Cambridge it is much of a muchness to me - it is what you do after that counts.

Anyway, tis cool to find a fellow physicist on elysiun. From your age I guess you are second/third year undergrad. Feel free to PM me with your e-mail if you use messenger so (if you want) we could get to know each other better. Physicists are a dying breed in this country.

Gets me wondering how many oxbridge people are on elysiun?

Koba

indigomonkey
14-Feb-06, 03:16
I go to St Catz (St Catherine's College).

Hmm... indigomonkey you go to Oxford? You seem to have a distaste for said polytechnic. :D

That's right! Exeter College, Engineering Science.

abhinavxrai
14-Feb-06, 03:39
Ok so I got a few jokes - but in now way I mean this to be offensive to anybody. Yes I am Indian, son of an Air Force Pilot, and these jokes are directed towards Pakistan, but still!

Q: How do you stop a Pakistani tank?
A: Shoot the people pushing it.

Q: How do you sink a Pakistani battleship?
A: Put it in water

Q: Did you hear about the Pakistani Air-Force helicopter crash?
A: The pilot felt cold, so he turned off the fan.

Q: Did you hear about the shutdown of the Karachi National Library?
A: Somebody stole the book.

Q: Did you hear about the latest Pakistani invention?
A: It's a solar powered flashlight.

Hope this is taken in good humor :D

abhinavxrai
14-Feb-06, 03:43
Also, I have been working on a few Engineering pick-up lines. SO here we go,

"Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator?"

"Save Electricity, Ride an Engineer"

"You Know, They Say Engineers are Good at Pulling All-Nighters..."


P.S. Just to let you know I am an Electrical and Communication egnineering student

dante
14-Feb-06, 09:30
Q: How do you stop a Pakistani tank?
A: Shoot the people pushing it.

Q: How do you sink a Pakistani battleship?
A: Put it in water

Q: Did you hear about the Pakistani Air-Force helicopter crash?
A: The pilot felt cold, so he turned off the fan.

Q: Did you hear about the shutdown of the Karachi National Library?
A: Somebody stole the book.

Q: Did you hear about the latest Pakistani invention?
A: It's a solar powered flashlight.

OMGWTFBBQ HATECRIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111oneoneon eon`eleven

:) kidding of course. A few of those are actually pretty good!

jackj
14-Feb-06, 09:43
I liked the tank one especially. :)

IanC
15-Feb-06, 11:03
Q: How do you stop a Pakistani tank?
A: Shoot the people pushing it.

Q: How do you sink a Pakistani battleship?
A: Put it in water

Q: Did you hear about the Pakistani Air-Force helicopter crash?
A: The pilot felt cold, so he turned off the fan.

Q: Did you hear about the shutdown of the Karachi National Library?
A: Somebody stole the book.

Q: Did you hear about the latest Pakistani invention?
A: It's a solar powered flashlight.


Do you actually class these as "intellectual jokes"?


A few quotes I like:

Entropy isn't what it used to be...

"Stone walls do not a prism make, nor iron bars a diffraction grating."



Q. What did one electron say to the other electron?
A. Don't get excited. You'll only get into a state!

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"


Ian

Koba
15-Feb-06, 11:19
Hmm...how about this (actually happened):

Physics lecture, optics.

The lecturer sets up a prism and a spectrum is projected onto the ceiling.

"A here you can see all the colours. Isn't it pretty? All of them: red, green, blue, ultraviolet..."

He was a pretty absent minded professor...so I think it was unintentional.

Koba

indigomonkey
15-Feb-06, 11:43
Maybe he's just ultra-absurdly clever and having spent years studying UV, can actually see it now... :-?

hafunui
15-Feb-06, 11:44
Hmm...how about this (actually happened):

Physics lecture, optics.

The lecturer sets up a prism and a spectrum is projected onto the ceiling.

"A here you can see all the colours. Isn't it pretty? All of them: red, green, blue, ultraviolet..."

He was a pretty absent minded professor...so I think it was unintentional.

Koba

LOL :D

toontje
15-Feb-06, 11:59
Q: What is the language a programmer knows best?
A: Cursing

orion119net
15-Feb-06, 12:11
Hmm...how about this (actually happened):

Physics lecture, optics.

The lecturer sets up a prism and a spectrum is projected onto the ceiling.

"A here you can see all the colours. Isn't it pretty? All of them: red, green, blue, ultraviolet..."

He was a pretty absent minded professor...so I think it was unintentional.

Koba

ahaha!

toontje
15-Feb-06, 12:11
@ abhinavxrai

I have one more Pakistani joke for your repertoire:

Q: Why is it hot for the Pakistani standing in the corner
A: The corner is 90 degrees

abhinavxrai
15-Feb-06, 15:26
Humor is humor. How are these jokes different from what I posted. Both are equally funny and serve the purpose. Yes one is more nerdy than the other, but so what?

By the way, love the neutron in a bar joke - awesome!

IanC
16-Feb-06, 12:59
Humor is humor. How are these jokes different from what I posted. Both are equally funny and serve the purpose. Yes one is more nerdy than the other, but so what?

Because it isnt a thread for general jokes. An intellectual joke will require knowledge beyond that of the average person, for instance an old style wanted sign that says "Wanted: Schrodingers cat, dead or alive", or require a bit of thought. Unfortunately most witty jokes don't transfer well in text and require a situation, so nerdy jokes tend to reign supreme here.

The jokes you posted just say "Look, Pakistanis are poor!" or similar. I wasn't saying these jokes were bad, I was asking if you thought this was intellectual.


Ian

bigbad
16-Feb-06, 13:52
"Wanted: Schrodingers cat, dead or alive"


Looked it up. First time I've heard about it.


So I didn't and did get it. :)

IanC
16-Feb-06, 14:53
Looked it up. First time I've heard about it.


So I didn't and did get it.

Hehe.

Theres one I have heard of, it was a poster something like this:

Time Travellers Convention

Please meet at the Great Hall on the 1st January 1920


Ian

Koba
16-Feb-06, 16:43
Seeing some people liked my real life annecdotes...here are another two. :D

Electromagnetism lecture and the lecturer's surname is Kraus (german)...and yes he can draw perfect circles. He also subsections things into things like 12.3.4 and 12.3.5. Anyway...some classic quotes.

"This is Gauss's Law. It is very powerful...but it doesn't work in general"

Or even better...

"This is a field....I like to call...electromagnetism"

Koba

IanC
16-Feb-06, 19:41
Koba, I want to meet these people!


Ian

tango251
04-Jan-09, 16:44
I have a couple, hope you like them.
What did batman say to robin before entering the batmobile?
Get in.

Two tanker trucks, one filled with water, the other with vinegar. They wreck, what sound does it make?
DOUCHE!!!!!!

kbot
04-Jan-09, 16:50
Some amusing jokes here. Great effort team!

CatsWithMatches
04-Jan-09, 17:26
A buddhist monk approaches a hot dog vendor and tells him: "Make me one with everything".


The monk then gives the vendor a $5 bill for the $2 hot dog. After waiting for a few moments, he asks for change. The buddhist hot dog vendor replies, " ah, but change comes from within."

PlantPerson
04-Jan-09, 18:06
This thread is approximately several million years old, and is estimated to have coexisted with the Diplodocus. If you want to tell some jokes, please start a new thread in the Holocene epoch.

PS--
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A: A-flat Minor

What do you get if you drop a piano into an army camp?
A: A-flat Major

That'll be all.