Hi guys, so I found the 11 second club contest the other day and thought I would give it a try, I only had last night and part of today to do it though so I had to rush it. I may have time in a day or two to do tweaks to it if anyone has any good ideas.
Not bad man, its just not very interesting to watch.
Whoa! This has potential! The main storytelling poses and the relationships are strong. Just the swimming of the arms is…something to avoid. Try to lock down poses and just favour them, or keep them alive around the storytelling pose (in space) don’t let them swim.
First impression: this scene suffers from vertical video syndrome. Unless there is a good reason for this, I would reconsider it and go for a more standard 4x3 or 16x9 aspect.
First shot: I like the idea of starting on the supporting character and showing the reaction. However, I think the facial acting is letting you down. At the moment she doesn’t look that into it. She’s almost bored. A closeup shot like this, especially right at the start of the scene, really needs to set the mood for the piece. More anguish, more blinks and eyedarts. She should be deeply sad as she realises her friend/lover is dying. She should be thinking about her loss and what it means. This is a very difficult thing to achieve convincingly, but is well worth the practice.
Also, the camera angle, with her looking straight down, doesn’t work too well. Try a semi profile with her looking to the right of frame.
Second shot: I think the main problem you have here is in staging. The camera angle at the moment is letting you down. There are no clear silhouettes and the staging of the characters isn’t clear. Changing the aspect and reframing could help you a lot. If you reframe both shots, be sure to maintain the left/right relationship of the characters.
At the start of this shot his right hand drifts along the ground in a bit of a floaty way. Either lose that movement or make it look more intentional.
Around the same point the left hand intersects with his belly a bit.
When he lifts his hand up, it covers his only visible eye. This is BAD. The eyes are the most important part of the face for an acting shot. Reframing could help, but I would also rotate his head a little to really show both eyes.
When his hand drops it’s too sudden. Try to lead into it a bit by having his hand come away from her face a little first. Try to show that he’s trying to keep his hand up there for as long as possible until his strength gives out.
In general you could make a little bit more of the final flop down. This is your main character dying. You want to milk it for emotion. I know you haven’t got much time, but I think you could stretch it a bit more than this by both anticipating it more and lengthening it slightly. At the moment it looks like someone has flicked a switch.
Thank you all for the comments and critiques!
Freen, thanks so much!! This is exactly the insight I was needing!! You are so generous with your time and very descriptive with your comments! I will do all i can to get it right! only problem is I am SO new to this, I can only guess at the meaning of some of the stuff you suggested But I am going to give it a wurl!