A Girl I Wish I Knew

General Forums Off-topic Chat
1

I’m not sure if this is the right forum to post this in, so move it if you want.
I know I suck at anything relativly poetic, but let me know what you think anyways, maybe I’ll get better :slight_smile:

…::A Girl I Wish I Knew::…

Her hair is like precious strands of gold soft as costly silk that flows like a quiet stream amidst the soft, cool summer’s breeze.

Her skin is smooth like the clouds of a beautiful sunset on a perfect evening in July.

When I gaze into her eyes it’s as if all the stars in the heavens have come together to combind this duo of beauty uncontestable by anything on the face of the world.

Her lips are like a heaven and taste like a sweet ambrosia. When we kiss it’s as if all time stands still and a symphony begins to play inside our hearts.

Her thoughts are like poetry and her words are a sonet.

Her body is like God’s greatest work of art, perfect in beauty, Gorgeous.

Her heart is full of love and carried in the hands of God, burning with a passion to to love the unlovable, feed the hungry. Clothe the naked, heal the sick. She knows no one is too lost for her to love, no one is too low for her to serve.

Out of all the people in this world, she chose me.

C&C greatly appreciated

2

Sounds good, but the first line seems a bit wordy. You’s a poet and you know it!

[Edit] I don’t know about wordy, but it just doesn’t flow, if you know what I mean.

3

Dude, your avatar is ruining the poem. It’s right there, at the upper left corner, reminding us of who this poem coming from. Seriously…

4

yeah… the poem, it sounded fairly nice, needs a lot of work on the flow, even free verse poems have flow, as well and enjambment, and the like…

The avatar… wow, yah, I agree with Eagle…

5

its ok i guess?..i liked your other poem so much better why did you take that one down, good thing i copied it!

Jazzersize by Jack Black

Man boobs bouncing, arm pits sweating,
Thinking of all the girls I will soon be getting.

Thighs rub together, burn, burn, burn,
Hot dogs, hambergers, no longer my concern.

The smell of body oder, and rotten junk.
Butt cheecks of sweat, a poop filled funk.

Hit the gym, then hit the showers,
Put on my cheap coloan and hit the bars, after hours.

Dang three grils at the bar looking so fine,
After I flex my ass cheecks of steal they will all be mine.

Jazzersize you are the work out of kings,
No more saltwater taffy, ding dongs, or chicken wings.

6

Jazzersize by Jack Black

Man boobs bouncing, arm pits sweating,
Thinking of all the girls I will soon be getting.

Thighs rub together, burn, burn, burn,
Hot dogs, hambergers, no longer my concern.

The smell of body oder, and rotten junk.
Butt cheecks of sweat, a poop filled funk.

Hit the gym, then hit the showers,
Put on my cheap coloan and hit the bars, after hours.

Dang three grils at the bar looking so fine,
After I flex my ass cheecks of steal they will all be mine.

Jazzersize you are the work out of kings,
No more saltwater taffy, ding dongs, or chicken wings.
Lol, that was damn near perfect.

7

Darn, here I was collecting my immense intellect and knowledge on the female species, and its about poetry.

1 Like