A Poem (see if you can find the joke!)

Can the single person strive to make a name for themselves?
Or do we all inevitably become the same powder?
Neither thoughts seem to comforting to me,
For I believe we are all different, and must preserve our individuality.
Or else we would certainly live in a very boring world.
Remarkable though a world where everyone is equal may be,
Maybe it is best to be yourself.

NOTE:Those of you who have read The Community will get where I’m going with this.

If this poem is meant to represent the spirit of “individuality”, then I think it’s already too late.

Honestly, your perception of “individuality” escapes me; you’re simply spouting “we must preserve our individuality”, not realizing the cookie cutter shape of that horribly cliche approach.

Come to think of it, this whole poem screams of irony, for that very reason.

Maybe it is best to be yourself.
What if you’re a rapist and/or a murderer?

PS: The point of C&C is to give you, the would be writer, some feedback, which you can then use to improve your stories, poems, etc. The feedback you received for your short story, for example, would have served you well here, but it seems like you ignored it completely.

PPS: I also read the short story linked in your sig…That was better, but again, somewhat unoriginal, because you’re basically framing the essence of your entire story around concepts found in Plato’s well known “Allegory of the Cave”.

Try to think of something that is truly your own, rather than just reading philosophy books, and rehashing those concepts to death.

What if you’re a rapist and/or a murderer?

lol,

come on social. Without rapists “and/or” murderers, this world would be a boring place.

@Social: I actually was repeating what my philosophy textbook was basically saying, and spitting random crap out. I wasn’t really trying to make anyone special. There’s a secret joke in there somewhere, see if you can find it :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

And I’ve never read Plato’s Allegory of the Cave, i’ll be sure to look for it, thanks! :slight_smile: Plus, I don’t really think there can be an original work, not really. Most everything has already been used up. I wasn’t trying to come up with anything original, the poem i something I find amusing. I don’t view myself as a great author or thinker (cause I think that’s what your trying to get at) I just occasionally write because I pass the time and enjoy it. It’s fun. So that doesn’t mean you should bash people because there work isn’t original. Even if they don’t know or do know, the attitude I got from you was kinda…angry or mean. Maybe you overanalyzed the poem, or maybe you’ve seen so much of the same thing so many times that it makes you mad to see stuff like this. I know I read a lot, maybe a hundred books a year. That may not be a lot to other people, but the point is that I’ve seen a lot of the same story with different characters too many times to count.

Or maybe I over analyzed your response, or didn’t get the right tone, it is after all, a forum, so I have no idea what your voice would sound when you would say this. So maybe it’s my bad. actually, yeah, it is. My apologies. :o

…CONFORM…

have a great day!

Don’t give it away! :frowning:

:rolleyes:

If you like to write, then fine; I wholeheartedly support the statement in your signature (If you can’t learn to do something well, enjoy doing it poorly.). However, you should understand that this is a public forum, and that by posting here, you are implicitly asking us for our opinion.

You don’t like that? You don’t want to read harsh critique? -> Don’t post your poems, stories, or any such other literary work on public forums.

I know I read a lot, maybe a hundred books a year.
Assuming for a second (a very brief second) that you’re actually telling the truth here, I would suggest reducing that quantity.

However many books you read (a year, a month, a week, it doesn’t really matter), cut that in half, and use the reclaimed time to think about the things you’ve read, seen, experienced, etc.

After all: quality > quantity.

PS: Yes, I’ve seen the vertical type…I don’t have my ingenuity medals with me, so I can’t give you one now. Although, I do have a poem that’s almost as horrible, so maybe that will entertain you:

<i>Post and you shall find
We are quite refined
Never too unkind
Except when you're behind
Dicking around with Charles H. Duell</i>

–Social

This is too easy. :stuck_out_tongue:

Hey

Thanks for putting up your works dividedspleen - sorry about my brief comment earlier but I had to pop out to buy some weed just then. Anyways, here’s some more of my thoughts on your poem.

My initial feeling was that it was quite well done, but somehow still at college level, and this just does not take the cookie with toppings. You have a theme, and there’s no harm in using this many times . . . as long as you work on your delivery. Your delivery on both the story and poem was just plain - there is nothing with cold hard emotional impact to make this stand out. What you can work on is reading up some books, find out the metaphors and other poetic symbolism those authors use to engross you. This means that you have to read between the lines, and just not be tied up in the storyline.

My suggestions for starters is Lord of the Rings - for the “beauty of this authors style” & “The Godfather” - Mario Puzo lacks many of the emotional attachment associated with the characters actions, but that just makes one conjurer ones own facets into the character.
And when you are done with these books - read up some women’s romances - they are heavy with feelings and other touchy feely stuff that you can extract stuff from. Meanwhile, as a concurrent activity, keeping writing and putting your works . . . and we’ll curse/stone you occassionally but all the same there will stuff for you to take on board.

Umm . . . yeah post count +1

Please don’t smoke weed - you’ll only turn out like me . . .

Social, nice poem! I really like it! I have the feeling that I was pwned. And I never said I wasn’t looking for harsh critique. I get it a lot everyday. That’s not to say I’m tired of it, I think it’s great that you’ve commented on my poem, it shows me whats wrong with it and how I can improve. Plus, your nicer than my English teacher ;).

I posted here to get feedback, so give me your worse. Or best, whichever.

@kbot: thanks for the suggestions, as it happens, my mom is a big romance reader (yes I live with my mom, I’m 16), and I have read Lord of the Rings, after I had seen all the movies.That may have ruined it for me somewhat, but I actually enjoyed the books more. The battles weren’t the main focus, and Tolkien wrote them to be styled more like a history of an epic, like the Odyssey, which I think is how he described it himself.

Just finished the Allegory of a Cave. It is almost exactly what I had written for Karl. I guess I can’t come up with anything original. I had even planned for Karl to become doubtful and destroy himself in the end, (The world above was a fantasy world that had just been through an apocalypse.) though he did it for the benefit of others. That doesn’t change the fact that it’s unoriginal.