Aaargh! Being bored.


(Jamesk) #1

Couldn’t please someone say something amusing?


(rwv01) #2

Dreamers can find their way by moonlight and their only punishment is that they see the dawn before the rest of the world.

Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)


(IMProvisar) #3

There once was a man from Nantucket…

Hehe,
Imp


(Grizzly69) #4

Go on… I haven’t heard this one before. :stuck_out_tongue:
How does it end? Nothing obscene I hope. :smiley:


(IMProvisar) #5

lol… actually, I wish someone else would, because I’ve never actually heard the whole thing… everyone just says the first line (of course, the last word is quite easy to guess… no, it’s not “bucket”, lol).

Imp


(theeth) #6

“Once you stop wanting to be better, you stop being good.”

Martin


(IMProvisar) #7

Ok, here’s some an amusement,

First us, an actual US patent awarded for a method of ecercising cats (which essentially amounts to pointing a laser-pointer at the floor and moving it around, ROFL).

US5443036: Method of exercising a cat

Second, this is obviously a fake (because it’s from Onion), funny as heck, I’d never seen it before.

Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeros

Finally, I just heard on the news that Yoko Ono is considering suing Paul McCartney. Apparently many of the songs on Sir Paul’s newest CD, while previously listed as written by “John Lenon and Paul McCartney”, are listed as written by “Paul McCartney and John Lenon”. Can someone SERIOUSLY sue over that??? Gees… that’s worse than the lady who spilled coffee in her lap at Mickey D’s.

Imp


(theeth) #8

Apologies to Fullback, I was removing his double post in that thread and accidently removed both. sorry.

Martin


(Jamesk) #9

Humm… I’ve seen that first line about Nantucket somewhere too, in the Java Bible, but they used “there once was a mouse from Nantucket” for some reason. Would be really good if someone could write the whole thing somewhere…

While we’re waiting for that, here’s another one. You’ve probably heard it before, and it’s not to be read by people under 13 years of age :smiley:

:

:

:

:

There once was a young man from Kent
whose dick was exceedingly bent
to save him from trouble
he put it in double
and instead of coming, he went

…::: cheers!


(digitalSlav) #10

hahaha i think nantucket is just used for what ever

examples
http://www.nantucket.net/YI/limerick/

also a fun one i found also for older viewers
http://www.jokes2go.com/poems/9719.html


(IMProvisar) #11

Yeah… that second link of yours was about what I was thinking about, hehe.

Imp


(Squee) #12

You wanted some thing funny here you go.
this should be more amusing for the people that deal
whith flaming and stupid arguments all the time.

Dealing With Irrational People

Let’s face it. You can’t really deal with them. You need logic to win your case, and it’s something they just don’t have. Anyway, let’s look at a few of the common types of irrational behavior.

AMAZINGLY BAD ANALOGY: Example: You can train a dog to fetch a stick. Therefore, you can train a potato to dance.

FAULTY CAUSE AND EFFECT: Example: On the basis of my observations, wearing huge pants makes you fat.

I AM THE WORLD: Example: I don’t listen to country music. Therefore, country music is not popular.

IGNORING EVERYTHING SCIENCE KNOWS ABOUT THE BRAIN: Example: People choose to be obese/gay/alcoholic because they prefer the lifestyle.

THE FEW ARE THE SAME AS THE WHOLE: Example: Some Elbonians are animal rights activists. Some Elbonians wear fur coats. Therefore, Elbonians are hypocrites.

GENERALIZING FROM SELF: Example: I’m a liar. Therefore I don’t believe what you’re saying.

TOTAL LOGICAL DISCONNECTION: Example: I enjoy pasta because my house is made of bricks.

ARGUMENT BY BIZARRE DEFINITION: Example: He’s not a criminal. He just does things that are against the law.

ANYTHING YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND IS EASY TO DO: Example: If you have the right tools, how hard can it be to generate nuclear fission at home.

IGNORANCE OF STATISTICS: Example: I’m putting ALL of my money on the lottery this week because the jackpot is so big.

IGNORING THE DOWNSIDE RISK: Example: I know that bungy jumping could kill me, but it’s 3 seconds of pure fun!

SUBSTITUTING FAMOUS QUOTES FOR COMMON SENSE: Example: Remember “all things come to those who wait.” So don’t bother looking for a job.

IRRELEVANT COMPARISONS: Example: $100 is a good price for a toaster, compared to buying a Ferrari.

CIRCULAR REASONING: Example: I’m correct because I’m smarter than you. And I must be smarter than you because I’m correct.

INCOMPLETENESS AS PROOF OF FACT Example: Your theory of gravity doesn’t address the question of why there are no unicorns, so it must be wrong.

IGNORING THE ADVICE OF EXPERTS WITHOUT GOOD REASON: Example: Sure the experts say you shouldn’t ride a bicycle in the eye of a hurricane, but I have my own theory.

FOLLOWING THE ADVICE OF KNOWN IDIOTS: Example: Uncle Horace says eating pork makes you smarter. That’s good enough for me.

REACHING BIZARRE CONCLUSIONS WITHOUT ANY INFORMATION: Example: My car won’t start. I’m certain the spark plugs have been stolen by rogue clowns.

FAULTY PATTERN RECOGNITION: Example: His last 6 wives were murdered mysteriously. I hope to be wife #7.

FAILURE TO RECOGNIZE WHAT’S IMPORTANT: Example: My house is on fire! Quick, call the post office and tell them to hold my mail!

OVERAPPLICATION OF OCCAM’S RAZOR (WHICH SAYS THAT THE SIMPLEST EXPLANATION MUST BE CORRECT): Example: The simplest explanation for the moon landings is that they were hoaxes.

INABILITY TO UNDERSTAND THAT SOME THINGS HAVE MULTIPLE CAUSES: Example: The Beatles were popular for one reason only: they were good singers.

JUDGING THE WHOLE BY ONE OF ITS CHARACTERISTICS: Example: The sun causes sunburns. Therefore the planet would be better off without the sun.

BLINDING FLASHES OF THE OBVIOUS: Example: If everyone had more money, we could eliminate poverty.

BLAMING THE TOOL: Example: I bought an encyclopedia but I’m still stupid.

TAKING THINGS TO THEIR ILLOGICAL CONCLUSION: Example: If you let your barber cut your hair, the next thing you know he’ll be lopping your limbs off.

PROOF BY LACK OF EVIDENCE: Example: I’ve never seen you drunk, so you must be one of those Amish people.

I hope you enjoied


(RipSting) #13

Ha! That reminds me a lot of Monty Python’s Professor of Logic! Well here it is:

Good evening.
The last scene was interesting from the point of view of a professional logician because it contained a number of logical fallacies; that is, invalid propositional constructions and syllogistic forms, of the type so often committed by my wife. “All wood burns,” states Sir Bedevere. “Therefore,” he concludes, “all that burns is wood.” This is, of course, pure bullshit. Universal affirmatives can only be partially converted: all of Alma Cogan is dead, but only some of the class of dead people are Alma Cogan. “Oh yes,” one would think.

However, my wife does not understand this necessary limitation of the conversion of a proposition; consequently, she does not understand me. For how can a woman expect to appreciate a professor of logic, if the simplest cloth-eared syllogism causes her to flounder.

For example, given the premise, “all fish live underwater” and “all mackerel are fish”, my wife will conclude, not that “all mackerel live underwater”, but that “if she buys kippers it will not rain”, or that “trout live in trees”, or even that “I do not love her any more.” This she calls “using her intuition”. I call it “crap”, and it gets me very irritated because it is not logical.

“There will be no supper tonight,” she will sometimes cry upon my return home. “Why not?” I will ask. “Because I have been screwing the milkman all day,” she will say, quite oblivious of the howling error she has made. “But,” I will wearily point out, “even given that the activities of screwing the milkman and getting supper are mutually exclusive, now that the screwing is over, surely then, supper may, logically, be got.” “You don’t love me any more,” she will now often postulate. “If you did, you would give me one now and again, so that I would not have to rely on that rancid Pakistani for my orgasms.” “I will give you one after you have got me my supper,” I now usually scream, “but not before” – as you understand, making her bang contingent on the arrival of my supper.

“God, you turn me on when you’re angry, you ancient brute!” she now mysteriously deduces, forcing her sweetly throbbing tongue down my throat. “F*** supper!” I now invariably conclude, throwing logic somewhat joyously to the four winds, and so we thrash about on our milk-stained floor, transported by animal passion, until we sink back, exhausted, onto the cartons of yoghurt.

I’m afraid I seem to have strayed somewhat from my original brief. But in a nutshell:

Sex is more fun than logic – one cannot prove this, but it “is” in the same sense that Mount Everest “is”, or that Alma Cogan “isn’t”.

Goodnight.


(paradox) #14

LOL Yay for Monty Python
Paradox


(IMProvisar) #15

Hehe… if anyone agrees with the logic shown above, get this book, and if you get through it completely, hopefully you will be a competent individual. :slight_smile:

Imp

P.S. - Anyone who doesn’t want to follow the link above, it’s just the textbook for a Discrete Math course I took a couple years ago, required for a BS in Computer Science at my school. It’s mostly logic and set theory, but my whole family joked, “Discrete math? So you’re going to learn to cook the books, and dodge taxes?” hehe… of course, I didn’t really know what it was until the first day of class.


(CubeFan973) #16

LOL!

I’m in a library right now, so that comment got me some weird looks (or at least one).

The Microsoft patent was hilarious, too, though I didn’t actually laugh out loud. (I snorted at the unicorn one, trying not to laugh.) Still, hilariously stupid, that Onion. Do they EVER do anything seriously?

The barber thing also made me snort, trying not to laugh out loud.

Hmm…

For your enjoyment, here’s something weird and rather obscene.

(Me and my brother were once waiting for a TV show to start, and were watching another boring show. A kid was playing on a Scrabble board, so since it was muted…)

BROTHER: (Sarcastic) “Look what I can spell! C-O-C-K-S-U-C-K-E-R!”
ME: (Acting seriously) “What a nice word!”

I think I’ve got a good sense of humor, because I can think up strange responses quickly to boring comments.