Ok, so I stopped working with Blender for a while, then I updated to 2.70 and now I can’t do ANYTHING anymore. All the keybinds have changed. I can’t rotate, can’t select, can’t multiselect, can’t pan, can’t do ANYTHING without spending hours in the user preferences to find out where the bindings went to, and when I change my user preferences the way I want them, save and quit, all my changes are lost next time I start the program. Is there any info on the change, and more important, is there any way to go back to what it always was? Blender used to be my favourite program but now I feel completely shut off. 
Please help.
As far as I can tell, the basic Blender keybindings haven’t changed. What has changed is the devs added a ‘use Maya keybindings’ to make transitions from there easier. It’s an option somewhere in user preferences. You might have inadvertenly turned it on, or downloaded a version of Blender where it’s on by default and you have to turn it off.
Welcome back to BlenderArtists 
Thanks for the welcome! But… where in this vast mess of options is the Maya keybindings thingy??
Presets dropdown on the Splash screen. Right lower corner…
But I haven’t activated any Maya stuff there, nor is it on by default.
Is it possible that you back then used some kind of custom key setup and now struggle with the default one?
As others have said already, those basic functions you mention have not changed since the old Blender days. And if those haven’t changed, your setup (or you :p) must have…
Perhaps this does help us solve the mystery:
Make a list of all the functions you mentioned and the shortcut / mouse binding you expect them to be, e. g.:
Pan viewport = Shift+MMB
Rotate viewport = MMB
Zoom viewport = MWheel
etc.
Perhaps this clears up what setting/setup you’re accustomed to (left/right select? emulate 3-button mouse? etc.).
I do expect MWheel = Pan viewport. Instead, the viewport does the “Let’s do the timewarp” step to the left thing, then stops. Shift + WHeel tilts the grid, then stops. After finding that my RMB no longer rotates the view, I bound Alt + RMB to rotation but this feels WRONG. Maybe I clicked on some lock somewhere but I can’t for the life of me find it. I feel stupid.
My example commands are indeed Blender’s defaults and to my knowledge have always been:
Rotate viewport = MMB (or press mouse wheel)
Pan viewport = Shift+MMB (or press mouse wheel)
Zoom viewport = mouse wheel up / down
If you’re used to something else, you must have used a custom configuration in the past.
What you could do (painlessly) to replace your damaged mouse wheel, is enable “Emulate 3 button mouse” in User Preferences > Input. This will give you:
Rotate viewport = Alt+LMB
Pan viewport = Shift+Alt+LMB
Zoom viewport = Ctrl+Alt+LMB or mouse wheel up / down
But that would also feel wrong, right?
Rotate viewport = MMB (or press mouse wheel)
Pan viewport = Shift+MMB (or press mouse wheel)
But this is exactly what it DOESN’T do. It simply blocks, and I don’t understand why.
What happens when you load the factory settings (File / Load Factory Settings). If that gives you want you want then save those settings in the user peferences
Maybe something is wrong with your mouse?
“Load factory settings” removes EVERY viewport function from my mouse buttons, and Shift/Ctrl or Alt + MWheel still locks the view.
Maybe it IS something with my mouse. 