EDIT: Problem solved. Poor UV layout.
UPDATE: I’ve made a couple of changes. I managed to make it stop rendering so blocky by turning off Auto Smooth, but it still only rendered as though there were no texture on the material. Since my texture was only one color anyway, I set the material’s color to FFCCAA, which made the baking turn out ALMOST like I wanted.
But there are many discolored patches all over it. If you download the updated attachment in the first post, bake the full render and you’ll see the strangeness.
If no suggestions, at least some views? T.T