Like the archaeologist that digs in the ground for clues to lost races, I have dug into the forums of BA. In my search, I have seen a great mass movement. A movement unified by the worship of certain ploy-vertex deities. This movement I shall call the Cult of Noob. The cult grows each day.
The cult of Noob searches for the Perfect render by invoking their deities. They worship in a virtual Parthenon of poly-vertex gods. There are many levels in the cult, with each level gaining knowledge over the previous. These levels I shall now attempt to quantify.
Levels in the Cult of Noob:
Level one Noob: This is a Noob, which upon learning the power of Add – Mesh, does invoke the sprit of Suzanne in her raw state. Suzanne (the monkey sprit), does rid the Noob’s blue “world” of the unholy grey cube. Once the Suzanne is invoked, the Noob is most often found to chant to all that will listen, “Behold I have brought forth a monkey”.
Level two Noob: This is a Noob, which upon contemplation of Suzanne, finds the power of Set Smooth. Thus Suzanne is invoked in your second more smooth state. Noobs of this level often also find the power of the material buttons and bring forth Suzannes of many hues.
Level three Noob: At this level the Noob has invoked Suzanne in her smooth state, he has given color to Suzanne and thus embarks to make Suzanne more complete. In doing so, he discoveries the power of Sub-surf. Sub-surf is a strange magic, which the Noob does not fully understand, but loves none the less.
There too is a slightly more advance level three. This is the Noob which discovers the power of vertex groups and thus gives color to the eyes of Suzanne. Here the worship of Suzanne is left, with Suzanne in her third state. However, higher orders of Noob sometimes pay homage to Suzanne by imparting new magics to her. These Noobs will offer particle hair and crudely formed appendages to Suzanne and they will call her Great.
Level four Noob: This is the first level that seeks other deities beyond the monkey sprit. They leave the solace of Suzanne in search of brighter gods. At this level the Noob discovers the power of Ray tracing. With this new knowledge, they invoke one of the most insidious of all the poly-vertex gods, it which is called Chrome Sphere. Chrome Sphere both reflects and distorts the world of the Noob. The Noob finds it hard to keep their worship of Chrome Sphere secret. They are thus compelled to show there chrome idol to the world. But the world says, “your god is too simply.” So the Noob, searches for new knowledge, new magics to invoke Chrome Sphere in a new state, which all will worship.
Level five Noob: Through devotion to Chrome Sphere, the Noob rises to this new level. Here he discovers that deities can duplicate. Thus invoking twin Chrome Spheres makes the god twice as lovely. Here also a slight higher order of Noob will find the power of Array. With the power of Array, he will unleash a multitude of Chrome Sphere on to the world until Chrome Sphere has devoured all his resources.
Level six Noob: Upon reflections of Chrome Sphere and the three states of Suzanne, the level six Noob finds new goals. He says to himself, “I have invoked the great monkey in all her glory. I have brought fourth a multitude of Chrome Sphere. Surly there is no better a still image can be.” With this Statement, the Noob transubstantiates from mere CG artist to wannabe CG animator. He has seen many before him create water, which moves almost life like in a little box. Thus he searches and finds the power which is the Physics button and the Fluid Sim panel. Now, before him a brackish grey blob moves like slow water in an invisible box, and he is proud. He hath invoked the deity called Water in a box. Here too, the Noob feels the need to share his new idol with the world. Just as the world rebuked Chrome Sphere, so too is the destiny of Water in a box. The world calls to the Noob, “Have you not read the wiki? Have you not seen the Tuts?”
Level seven Noob: With the revelations of the Wiki and of the Tuts, the Noob now brings forth “he who walks”. This deity, his form that of a “man”, is called Gus and Gus is good. With the invocation of Gus the Noob is now an animator. He devotes much time to Gus. Gus can be made to perform tricks. He can be festooned in all manors. Yet Gus still drawls the adoration of the Noob and the world alike. When Gus is shown to the world, the reply to the Noob is “Good job. Yep I did that Tut too.”
In all levels of Noob, there is a shared belief in a higher magic. A power called the Perfect Render Button. The Noob has heard rumors of this button, but finds it not. The Noob devotes himself to study of the Wiki and of the Tuts, still the button is hidden. They shout at their Poly-vertex gods, “Show us, Show us the way of the perfect render!” Alas, the gods are mute. (For you see, audio in Blender is too complex a subject for even the level seven Noob.) When the gods answer not, the Noobs shout to the world, “Show us, Show us the way of the perfect render” and the world answers, “There is no button, there is no magic, you must study and work!” The Noob asks again, “Do I need an SVN build or what?”
In addition to the gods, the Noobs know of a prophet, he who is called Ton. The Noob knows little of the prophet. They are told he brought the light of Blender to the world. They know that he holds court at a Blender cathedral in a place called Amsterdam. Here Ton convenes gatherings of apostles to spread the word of Blender. In addition, the Prophet and the apostles appear to share an unnatural fascination with fruit. It is told that Ton can perform miracles. He has turned an Orange into an elephant and turned a Peach into several fury wood land creatures. The Noob awaits to see what Ton will do with an Apricot.
With all the gods invoked and revelations of the Wiki and the Tuts the Noob must decide his future. Some will turn away completely from the Parthenon of poly-vertex gods. They will shun the light which we call Blender and be lost to the community forever. Some will stay trapped by the power of the gods. Thus believing, “if only Suzanne were complete”, “if only the Chrome sphere had better reflections”, “If only the water could be given more space to flow”, “if only Gus could be given a wife and kids”, then, then the gods would show him the path to the Prefect Render Button. The world pities these lost souls. Finally there are those that will throw off the cloak of Noob. They will leave the Parthenon of poly-vertex gods and embrace the full power of Blender. They will work for the Perfect render instead of searching for a magic button and the world will rejoice in them.
I have seen the cult. I too have been swayed by the power of the poly-vertex gods. So easy is the way of the monkey, so shiny the sphere, so rhythmic the undulation of the waters, so joyful is the gingerbread man. But, I must resist.
I have noted all this so that I can beg you of the forum for help. Please, have mercy on the Noob. Lead them not to closed source, but deliver them to better Blender renders. I also ask (selfishly so), all of you more learned, all that have come before, all that have broke from the binds of the Noob, please tell me “where is that dammed Perfect Render Button already?!!”
Disclaimer: This is a joke. I know there is no cult (at least I hope not). I know there is no magic button. I did not attempt to single out anyone. I just thought this was funny. If you think so too, then great. If you are offended by this, I am sorry. I know this was a long post, and thank anyone who made it this far for their patients.