Cycles render is only a black screen

I’m getting this too, on blender 2.83 and 2.9 alpha. Using Manjaro/Arch, all up to date.
I don’t actually have a discrete GPU, so I’m using CPU render. (I’m using dual monitors, but as such it shouldn’t make a difference…)
I’m not low on memory (only used 3.2 out of 8 GB max). Everything is normal until I render. Viewport is fine, it updates the BVH, no hidden meshes/modifiers getting in the way… Viewport render’s camera view is also fine, so there aren’t any wierd camera settings messing things up.
I’m not new to blender, I started when 2.8 was experimental, but this is the first time that this has happened.

UPDATE: It’s the exact same thing in eevee. I have no idea what’s going on, but I would greatly appreciate any help.

FINAL UPDATE: Wow. Good job, slinkous. I forgot to turn enable the light in my render.