Doubt and confusing feelings in life...

Ok. I’m not feeling too good right now, and this will probably turn out ranty and long, so sorry in advanced.

Where to begin? I’m young. 15. I am really starting to hate having to say I’m 15. Even if I could just be 16, at least I could then get a driver’s permit (in my state). But no, 15. I’m sure it is a lot of that hormone crap that I’m putting up with right now, but it seems different than how I see other people react in my situation. Quite frankly, I hope no one I know reads this. Also, all last names will be left out to protect the innocent.

I started homeschooling after the end of my 7th grade year. I basically did 8th grade and my freshman high year in one September to June session. Now, two years later, I should be getting my diploma in December. So I go now full time to my local community college, SCCC (Sussex County Community College). I will be going for Liberal Arts to transfer to a four year, and this credit will also finish up what is needed for highschool.

Now we get to go to the interesting stuff.

My parents are rescently divorced. But it was VERY peaceful, and everything went very smoothly. So I now see my dad every other weekend and Wednesday nights for Japanese sword fighting, but I’ll talk about that in a bit. So basically, that means I am tied up every other weekend becuase that is the only time I get to spend with my dad doing whatever. I’m honestly not upset about the whole divorce thing. I guess I barely saw my dad when they were together anyway.

Japanese sword fighting. Me and my dad have done it 3 times. It runs almost like semesters, so we have done 3 semesters. And because we have done more than 1 class, we are “advanced” students. It is not very formal at all. We do a lot of exercises and sparring. There are two girls in the advanced class. I so seriously need a girl friend right now. I have been “working” on one of them. Her name is Dorian. She has been giving me what I interpret as signals by coming to talk to me more than anyone else, by poking me and saying “Poke” while she does it, and just the looks. I don’t think she’s that much older than me, if at all. Maybe 16 or 17, which I think is fine.

I also have two friends. I had more before I left school, but they kind of cast me out. But thats ok, they can all go to hell. :slight_smile:

Anyway, I have two friends named AJ and Nicki (though since I started going to SCCC, I am making more friends). We very rarely see each other, but today was one of those days. We had been tryin to get together for a while, and we finally did it. I got picked up at 1 by Nicki’s dad. AJ was already there when we got to Nicki’s house. We did some things like extreme badmitten and extreme twister (we modified the rules to make it more fun). At around 4:30 AJ got picked up by his dad. I stayed with Nicki as was the plan. We played a really long game of extreme twister and were bretty exhausted after. We were going to go to Weird NJ places. (They are just a bunch of places in New Jersey where there are hauntings, KKK myths, the Jersey devil, other freaky stuff.) We left for Weird NJ around 6:15. It was pretty lame, as I thought it would be. Nicki’s dad decided we would go to a football (not soccer) game between two huge rival highschools. We only stayed for one quarter, then went back to Nicki’s house.

I feel very awkward around her. It’s very strange. I care about her, but I am not physically attracted to her. She was acting all depressed, which in turn made me depressed. She was complaining about her elbow. I guess she hurt it during our really long twister game. She was also saying how she wasn’t hungry (which I don’t think I’ve ever heard her say). She was being all sad and I had the strongest urge to hug her, but I didn’t. I probably would have had her father not been around. I told her a while back about a crush I had on her, but it got pushed aside and we forgot it. She is very a very anti-mush person. I have such mixed feelings. She can be such a wet blanket, but I’m not sure if it’s to be cute or something. And I can’t have these mixed feelings if I want a real girl friend. Ah, maybe I should move on to that now.

I have had two girlfriends before, to the amazement of myself and others. It will be exactly two years ago that I had my last one, if I remember correctly. The only reason I would remember that is because I racall talking about her at a halloween party. Sex is not my thing. Even if it was offered, I don’t think I would accept a chance to go all the way with someone right now. I am looking for someone to hug, kiss, sit with, hold hands, and all that other mushy stuff.

I have a feeling that I wouldn’t be so lost had I chosen to go to highschool. I can’t help but wonder if I made the wrong choice, if I should have stayed and school with all my ex friends. Going to football games, parties, getting in trouble. I’m getting a slight taste of that with my new friends at SCCC, and I really like it.

Now that I’m calmed down a bit from when I started writing this, I wonder if it is just pointless dribble. I guess I am asking for help. All you here at Elysiun seem so understanding about things like this. Even if its just some supportive comments, maybe that would help push me along.



PS I also wouldn’t mind if the mods found this long and pointless and decided to lock it.

I’ve never taken very well to these sort of topics, but here goes:

How to cure depression:

  1. eat chocolate (it’s been proven)

  2. Blender Blender Blender. It works for me. Make something that will impress people.

  3. Do you have a pet? get one, if you don’t.

  4. Grow something.

  5. listen to “don’t worry, be happy” by bobby McFerrin. This is a MUST. Download it illegally if you have to. Don’t listen to it too much, though, or you will take it for granted.

  6. Go to more of these parties/football games that you speak of. Get into more trouble. Unless it’s very serious, make sure your social life comes before your school work, otherwise you will make good grades… and be miserable.

  7. Always have something to look forward to. Christmas, or 2.40, for example.

That’s all I can offer, since I can’t really relate to a lot of your problems.


It’s okay man you will be fine just try to be a little more active. You sound like a very smart person find some groups in NJ make some friends it will work out. The way i counter these things is play football.

Hey man, I know how you feel. I’ve been through heck this year. My whole life is kinda crazy right now and I don’t know what to do. Looks to me like you need a good friend to talk too. Maybe you can talk it all with Nicki (if you’re good friends and all) or someone else that’s close. It’s good to get your feelings out and it sometimes helps to talk to your parents.

If you don’t already know God, nows the time to meet Him. Try reading the bible or talking to other Christians (I mean real ones, not the fake ones who have no idea what they’re talking about). God can do so much for you in your life. You realize that alot of stress goes away when you trust in Him.

With the grl issue, I’m glad your not interested in all the physical stuff, because alot of guys are. I know alot of 'em like the mushy stuff. I’ve never had one because I’m afraid of rejection because of past experiences, but that’s beside the point. Maybe this Nicki could be something more, maybe not. Who knows, maybe even Dorian.

With the whole school issue, I don’t know what to say. Hopefully someone else can answer that one. Don’t be discouraged though. Just keep going and don’t give up. :smiley:

(Now I’m starting to sound like one of those excessively happy motivators. AHHHHHH!) :slight_smile:

Maybe I’m missing something, but all I see in that long post is a description of a fairly nice, normal life, and it’s confusing the hell out of me. What’s the problem?

I’m guessing the problem is that he has some things going on in his life, and he has no one to share it with. He probably doesn’t have any friends he can talk to about life in general. All those emotions kept inside isn’t healthy. He may even just be depressed or something.

agreed, looks like pretty minimal worries to me. Just cruise along, and do things that you enjoy, and dont worry about what other people say or think. Be true to yourself, only in this can you fully be true to another.

Another way to cure any stress / worries is take up cycling.

You sure as heck won’t be worrying about anything after a 50 mile cycle ride! :o

PS - Laurifer, I’m 28 and never had a girlfriend, so I don’t think you have too much to worry about.

Fellow New Jerseyan Laurifer: Ah, I remember being your age. I wanted to die. That’s normal, though depressing (and no fun); but you’ll get through it. Don’t worry.

As for the GF, don’t bow to social pressures. It’s OK not to have a GF. It’s better to have a friend. There will be times when you have more friends than others, and definitely times when you don’t feel like you have any friends.

Ever consider “double dating”? In today’s standards, it’s not really even a date. Just get another guy (a friend, maybe from kendo or school or whatever) and ask those two girls if they want to go wander around the mall, get some food, go hiking for a couple of hours, visit a museum, whatever. Since it’s a “double date” you’re not really going out with anyone in particular. It’s more just a couple of friends hanging out together. That’s the point.

You’re too young to get serious with girls (again against conventional wisdom). That’ll come when you get older. [Also, guard your chastity. You’ll be much happier when you marry if you do.] For now, just watch less TV stereotypes. They’re manufactured to please the masses.

And don’t worry. No one can do their best all the time. The world’s been falling apart for millenia, but people get along just fine. You will too. Be happy. :smiley:

I don’t want to sound preachy here, but praying vocally to God helps too. He really does listen and help. Pour you soul out to him. Tell him what you feel, what you want, and remember what you’re glad you have. That’s seriously a hard thing to do, but if you do do it he’ll help you understand yourself better. Ignore the aetheists and experiment, because now is the time to struggle.

No pain isn’t meant to last forever.

I’ve always enjoyed your intelligent comments here at Elysiun (heh, the happy place :stuck_out_tongue: ), and have wondered a few times when there have been gaps in your postings. To me, you’re one of the core group here, as much as BgDM or Fligh %.


Although doing such a thing is a good idea even if you aren’t praying to God as such (personally I’m an aethiest). Verbally or mentally going through whats bothering you, or even writing it down does help to put things in perspective, especially when you start looking at whats good in life. When you are down you can all to easily focus on the negatives, ignoring the postives (which when you start looking at them, the positives far outweigh the negatives)

And your advice about friends being more important is very good advice.



Stay away from drugs, including alcohol and tobacco. It’s like taking a good mesh with decent texture and color and hitting the distort value all the way up. Your body already creates a lot of natural drugs (that external drugs only warp and reflect off of in a fun house mirror sort of way). Drugs also damage the mind and body (really one thing) in many different ways. (Also, the people around you who come with the drugs will turn out to be as bad as the drugs themselves.) So to counter stress, as the previous posts have indicated, extract from yourself your own natural drugs. The way to do that? Exercise and meditation.

Patience! Take an astronomical perspective of time. If things seem to be happening too fast or too slow, think of the cosmos. Think of the great wheel of the galaxy and how short a time all humanity has existed during its turning. Our lives are short, indeed, but to witness all the things, good and bad, that have happened and that are to happen is a unique gift.

Don’t be ashamed of failure. Falling down and getting up is a natural part of life. Everyone stumbles. Look at the boxer, George Foreman, and what he went through to succeed.

Be tough! Protect yourself. Endure. Live long and prosper.

And think of all the blending you have yet to do!


So … everyone around is religious here (, while I’m not)? And to think that a search for Ipo Drivers brought me here … the lord sure works in mysterious ways :smiley:

I’m not much for teaching philosophy to strangers (you never know how they’ll take it), so I’ll stay out of the discussion.

Good luck in life though ^^

Wow. Thanks all for your words.

@ Rocketman - That’s good advice. Most of those things I am already doing. Unfortunately, Blender has been coming up short rescently. I wish I had more time for it. :frowning:

@ The_Warder - That has always been hard for me. I am not an athletic person, though I am trying harder to be. I guess I would be WAY worse off if it werent for the sword fighting.

@ undrnthme - The thing is, I talk to Nicki about almost anything. She suggested a double dating thing, as Duoas said. I understand where people are going with talking to God, but I personally don’t believe.

@ WeirdHat - It may be normal, but the thing I guess it’s lacking is an unbiased opinion. Reading what you guys have to say is honostly making me feel better.

@ undrnthme - That’s it, I guess. It’s not depression, though. It’s like I’m not sure about what to do next, or if I should make a quick change to fix what I messed up in the past.

@ traitor - Thats all we can do, right? I was just looking for an outlet.

@ rndrdbrain - lol Thats really far. :o I know what you mean, though. I am really trying to fill in my life. Found a pool hall about 4.5 miles away that only charges $5 an hour.

@ Duoas - It’s really not for social standards or whatever that I want a gf. It’s more of what the connection is. Like, my family loves me, but in a way it’s “forced.” A gf, on the other hand, would (hopefully) come to like me in that way out of choice. For who I am. Define serious. :slight_smile: I don’t plan in any way of commiting myself right now. I’m sure when the time comes for me to leave home, that I would have to depart from her. And thanks for the complement. :o

@ rndrdbrain - Again, God just isn’t my thing.

@ Trog - Oh, there is absolutely no worry in the drug department. I don’t even like taking sudafed. I do a bit of weight lifting and I have noticed the effect. I believe it releases the same chemical as chocolate. Again, good words.

@ MrMuscly - Thanks. :slight_smile:

Well, I’m going to check out the rest of the forum and order up myself some General Tso’s chicken. I am going to get a good solid chunck of Blending time in tonight. Thanks again for all the words. It helps.


I don’t think so. It gives you diarrhea, making you more depressed. Or is that just me?

Hmm, sometimes but when it doesn’t work out the way you want or Blender does something really dumb then you get tired and more depressed than ever.

Then you have to worry about cleaning up after it and feeding it. Sometimes it’s a break but more often than not, I could see it getting frustrating.


Lol, I have that song in my playlist. For some reason it makes me cry sometimes. I think you’re better listening to music that is nothing to do with feelings or being happy.

I agree with this one.

and this one. Just don’t look forward to stuff that will let you down.

I don’t want to start a flame war here but I would advise to steer well clear of organised religion. Trying to find a God who doesn’t give tangible responses and who seems to be on the whole a pretty cruel motherf***** could make you more depressed than anything. Still, it works for some people.

Do you mean badminton?

Been there before. I knew loads of girls like that. Unfortunately attractive girls tend to be quite horrible. That’s what I was saying about God being a cruel motherf*****.

I doubt it. I thought that way at your age too and nowadays I realise that sex was my thing but most of the girls weren’t up to my standards and I was just too chickensh*t to do anything about it with the girls who were.

What you probably are not aware of is that at your age, girls are at the age for experimenting and you could rise to the status of being the guy who was their first. They never forget that. That kind of status cures depression pretty quick and is good to remember when future bouts of depression set in, especially if they grow up to be models.

Y’see if you start later on, you’ll be compared to the 50 or so guys before you. 20+ year old virgins are pretty rare these days. Round my way 15+ is pretty rare.

Oh yeah and in a years time, having sex with some of them will get you arrested so get movin’ while you still can.

Yeah, you can live without women. Certainly most of my relatives anyway. But I think companionship is devalued in our increasingly false society. The trouble is that even companionship is false on many levels and it’s why I don’t feel much need for it either. I don’t want to be stereotypical but I find that women want security (usually financial) and men want sex. Since we have equal career options and an abundance of porn these days, I can see why men and women prefer to stay apart.

Sigh, now I’m depressed. double-clicks “Don’t Worry, Be happy” in itunes


It’s hard to give advice to people we don’t know. I mean know as in the real world sense not the internet. There is a vast difference. That’s why you would be better speaking to a friend who knows you well.

This is one big reason why homeschooling is bad. It underestimates the need for social skills. If you go off to college, that would give you a great start to a social life that didn’t involve your parents. Be sure to stay at the college and not at home if possible.

If you’re not keen on college, get into a job where you are able to meet people. Once you make friends, you can meet friends of their friends etc. My brother knew practically no one before he got a gf. Now that he’s married, he knows hundreds of people because of his wife’s friends and her relative’s friends and he got a good job and has friends of his own at work.

The trouble with feeling down is that it seems to come when you aren’t doing anything because you’ve got time to think about how crappy life is. Finding a distraction helps avoid that situation be it blending or something else. That’s all life is really - just one long distraction from what’s really going on. What’s worse is no one knows what’s going on so when you looks past the distractions, there is nothing left. Religion sorta fills that gap but distractions are easier to cope with.

Anyway Laurifer, I hope you feel better about things. It’s true what people have said that what you are going through is pretty standard stuff but I know how you sometimes just need an encouraging word. Apologies if none of what I said was. :slight_smile:

The trouble with feeling down is that it seems to come when you aren’t doing anything because you’ve got time to think about how crappy life is. Finding a distraction helps avoid that situation be it blending or something else. That’s all life is really - just one long distraction from what’s really going on. What’s worse is no one knows what’s going on so when you looks past the distractions, there is nothing left. Religion sorta fills that gap but distractions are easier to cope with.

Gee, should people with your point of view even be allowed to post in a thread where the point actually is to cheer someone up … :wink:

Seriously though,
Isn’t it quite obvious that you have to fill your life with things in order to enjoy it? It’s like looking at a blank screen, that sure ain’t no fun, but open that favourite game/proggie of yours and in an instant it’s a thousand times more interesting, and enjoyable! Then when you’ve filled your life with all those things you’ll also appreciate the times when you can sit down and just THINK, too.

Ps. I did not mean YOU, as you personally osxrules, just ‘you’ in general.


Lol, I have that song in my playlist. For some reason it makes me cry sometimes. I think you’re better listening to music that is nothing to do with feelings or being happy.

Crying’s all for the greater good :wink:

I agree, but Laurifer’s depression seems to be in the relm of the somber, boring kind of depression, not the stressful kind.


Maybe the Hemp kind (oh wait, that’s illegal too). I meant any kind of plant. I wouldn’t recomend cannabis unless you live in Amsterdam or something.
Speaking of which, I wonder where the Orange team gets their ideas…:stuck_out_tongue:

Lol, I have that song in my playlist. For some reason it makes me cry sometimes.

You’re not allowed to listen to that song anymore. :stuck_out_tongue:

If you want to date someone, great. Don’t worry about long term commitment and marriage right now. You have a long way to go before you are ready for that. Relationships can be emotionally charged. If it doesn’t work out, it is okay…there will be others. The teenage years are like the preseason. The game really starts in the late college and early professional years so don’t sweat it. The important thing is to respect yourself and the person you are dating. Don’t I repeat don’t try to manipulate them in any way. If they like you, great. If they don’t, fine. Take everything as a learning experience. If you make a mistake and lose someone you deeply care about, apologize and let it go. She will respect you more (as well as her friends) and who knows someday she may change her mind (but don’t wait for it to happen). Either way live, learn, and enjoy the experience.

A certain amount of “feeling this way” is, believe it or not, normal. And yes, you are correct that it has a great deal to do with “that hormone crap.” Your entire body is changing and adjusting very fast… a more ancient part of your physiology is screaming “You are now sexually capable and you might not live to be twenty so get out there and mate with anything that moves!” (Okay, so it’s just trying to preserve the species…) Furthermore, your brain and the rest of your body are all part of your body, so changes in one will profoundly affect the other. The age itself is awkward… “no longer a child, not yet a man|woman,” and the only pathway through it is through it.

Lots of things to deal with, and it’s hard to deal with things when you’re on the inside.

But … by all means, remember that you are not alone. You can get friends or simply someone to talk to. One of my best friends during school days, and for many years thereafter, was the school psychologist. He was a good, interesting talker and a good listener.

Also remember: if things begin to get really weird, as in “suicidal” or such … and they might … get help. Go to your parents; believe it or not they do understand. Or a minister. Or a prevention hotline. Just find someone to talk to.

There is a stigma associated with the words, “mental illness” but there shouldn’t be. Lots of things … many of them temporary … fall under that great big umbrella. They are particularly destructive conditions because, by their intrinsic nature, they affect your own perception of them, and your own ability to deal with them (by yourself). Your own point-of-view, from the inside, is no longer objective. Get help. Don’t feel bashful or ashamed about doing it. The perception “from the outside looking in” is much clearer than your own perceptions “from the inside looking out,” and there are skilled people out there, many of them volunteers, who can provide genuine help, for free and completely confidential. As one fellow volunteer told me at three o’ clock in the morning after a particularly difficult (but successful) call, “a phone call saved me once, and now I try to return the favor.”

Lots of conditions are helped the most – not with medications, but simply by reaching out … as you in fact have done. I think that you see from the responses you have already received that there are many kindred souls out there, all nodding their heads from having experienced the very same thing themselves. Getting some input from those other viewpoints, by itself helps a lot in putting things back into proper perspective.

Thanks again, all. I’ve felt okay the past few days. Maybe its the history paper due, or the French test I had today, but I guess my mind is on other things. Halloween is this Monday and Nicki asked (read told) me I was trick-or-treating this year. I’m not really one for candy, but whatever. I’m nervous now. I don’t want a repeat of Friday. I guess I need to suck it up. Luckily I don’t really have much work due tomorrow, so I think I’m gonna slack and do some Blendin, keep myself occupied.

[edit] I guess if I feel down after Halloween, I can just suck down the chocolate I gathered. :stuck_out_tongue: [/edit]