I still can't understand what exactly I want to do

I still didn’t properly figured out what I want to devote my life to, I mean in CG.

I begun as viewmodel animator , I saw a lot of such animations, so at some point I decided to begin my journey to CG because of that, can’t say that i did good anims, I didn’t had much time to develop good skills and experience, but I was learning it with all responsibility - read Animator’s Survival Kit, as well as watched it’s videos (spectacular learning material for animator), tried to read Illusion of Life (I have some troubles with reading books), though it’s a useful material, watched and followed lots of courses and tutorials. Was doing animations for guns and was implementing them into GMod (Source Engine), but at some point I just got tired of it’s clunkyness and outdated nature, so decided to move to something more modern, like UE4, but for this need to learn Engine…
It’s a pain (animation), lots of pain, but still feel that I want to get back to it, but I don’t remember why I loved it so much, besides it was long time ago, I forgot a lot of stuff.

Then I begun learning how to actually 3D (because… well, when you do CG you should have at least basic knowledge of modeling, besides, you need models to animate, right?) - hard surface, sculpting, retopology. It’s very… troubling, because i always just don’t know what to model, I like guns and environment, but because i can’t figure out what exactly I want to model from environment, because of that I modelled only guns. Also I have done sculpt of male body, to use it in future for viewmodel animations and modelling clothes (I find sculpting kinda fun). Also I earn some money with modelling, but I don’t really feel that I want to spend my life on it, maybe it’s because it was rushed, there was crunches, and models wasn’t really appealing to me (trains and eventing that related to them).

Now it feels like I forgot why I even started it all, feel myself so empty, unfulfilled, I’m lost.

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I dont have any easy solutions for you. But you aren’t alone, I know exactly how you feel because im there too. I just keep pushing forward because it’s my job right now and I don’t know what else I could do better.
I do know this for me at least. I’m still checking the CG sites, still looking at new tools and new tutorials with a sense of hope and excitement, so I know I still have the passion for it. I don’t know if you do the same thing. Hopefully CG and Animation still excite you even if you are looking in from the street window like me.

Oh I know, that rushing rhythm of our life just won’t let us time to think properly about everything.
And yes, yes I do excited when see animations, it reminds me of something from those days when i begun. Especially it was maybe a year ago when i saw one commercial - it has such good animations, it’s characters (family) was done SO GOOD stylistically, and also physics of their clothes was done so good… it all was way too good for commercial.
But CG (hard surface especially)… well, when i see models or some FX it’s like “Yeah, that’s cool, but I can do it too, just need proper motivation”

I know how you feel.

In my case, why spend days, weeks or months modeling something only for it to be forgotten a few days after reveal. It might pop up from time to time on the internet but no one is going to bother to check who the author is. This is mainly why i abandon all my projects near the start, i have enough experience to make something great but not the motivation.

I might do modeling for some pocket change but my main job brings in more then enough money to cover my minimalist lifestyle.

I know the old saying is to do something for yourself because you want to do it, i can’t really relate to it. It’s probably why a lot of people though history tried to make a name for themselves by doing something big so it will always be remembered.