Thank Kabu but the goals are not overstretch it’s just the situation after so many attempt that ended in failure.
I am very close to make it happen but i am also dangerously close to financial catastrophe so it’s just which one who will be the first and i am hoping for the best of course.
I never give up all those years so i will do whatever it take to make it happen!
Thank for the kind words and i really appreciate not feeling alone with my burden!
Polynut, please always keep in mind, that you are working on something you are really passionate about. Something you will be looking at proudly in the future. Something you created all by yourself.
Very, very few people can say that about their jobs!
It sounds like you’re realising your dream. Which is amazing. Even though it might sometimes feel more like a nightmare. And yes, there might be financial fears. There might be lot’s of worries going on in your mind.
But to achieve great things, you have to go through such hard times. You have to pay a certain price. Otherwise lot’s of people could and would do it. But they don’t - and people like you do!
I have in the past and am experiencing similar moments now (in a slightly different field, though) - I keep telling myself, that if there would be no hardship on the way to a great goal…it would not really be that special. Something that comes served on a silver tablet, just wouldn’t feel as precious.
Many people dream of creating something unique, of realising their dreams - but most of them quit at the first few difficulties and choose the easy way of safe employment, even though it’s boring them to hell.
Those people will forever regret not having tried hard enough.
It needs special people with lot’s of determination and passion to never give up and see such a project through to the end. Only such people can achieve great things!
As you are already working on this project for 5 years you proved to have plenty of passion and focus!
You are one of these special people!
So now… fight through the hard times… in the future you might look back at them with a smile and be even glad you experienced them.
You’ll have exciting stories to tell about the making of of your game…
Thank for the support and i deeply appreciate everything you said since it made me shed a tear…
Realizing our dream is probably the toughest thing to achieve in this world and i also consider it a noble goal for some seriously dedicated people but what is harder to accept is when we have to put other people we love in the process and they have to trust us in such a difficult goal.
There is no warranty of success in the gaming sector and you can get destroy often by kid reviews on YouTube even if the game is worth playing and this is sad considering the amount of work a game necessitate.
These 5 years were not totally focus since i went through many tendonitis issues and depression.
The whole issue is maybe exacerbate by the fact that i am not anymore that young lad with all his life in front of him to make it happen, i am 55 and i am exhausted after all these years working like a mad man to finally be able to enjoy some kind of success.
I will not have the stamina to start all over again after this one so that’s the main reason i feel that unbearable pressure over my shoulder, i must succeed at any cost if we ever want to have a decent life since we spent everything for this project.
I am totally convinced i have a killer concept even if some might find it arrogant, i have work a lot on the concept and story line and colleagues and friends are very excited about this game and they see it as a potential successful game.
I do not know and can not fully understand your situation, Polynut. But first of all you should be thankful to have people you love around you, who, as I believe to understand, support you.
It is only natural, that they will be somehow ‘included’ in your process of chasing your dream. I fully understand, that you don’t want to be a burden to them - but please make sure, that you don’t create too much pressure for yourself because of that. This will not help the people around you. And this is surely not what they would want.
As I mentioned, I’m in a kind of a similar situation - I invested all I got into the making of a feature film (I’m a director). Something which is normally a no-go in the movie scene. But only this way I could make a film, exactly the way I want it. With full creative freedom. Without studio execs making me work in handcuffs.
Luckily my great wife supports me. But I know it’s not that easy for her, since we had to give up the lifestyle we enjoyed before.
And, like you, I have no idea if my movie will be successful. If I’ll ever get my investment back.
This is something which can not be foreseen. It’s out of our hands. And it sometimes depends on tiny, even silly details.
BUT in the end - this is not the only thing this is all about!
I know I simply had to do this movie, or I would have gone mad. It’s a dream I HAD to realise.
And I was ready to risk everything for it, because there was not other way for me.
And I guess that’s the same for you. If you had the idea for this unique game…but you would never had actually tried to get it done…you would regret it til the end of days.
By the way, I’m not far behind you in terms of years. So…something else we have in common. 
And please don’t tell yourself that this is your last chance. It only ads more pressure…and I strongly believe that it is not true!
My father is over 80 and he still chases his dream. (He’s a programmer and developed a unique and much simpler way of programming…trying to convince people for almost 30 years! But most of them are too lazy to learn something new.)
Well that was a very refreshing post and you definitively have charisma so i am convinced your movie project will succeed and please inform us about it so we can support you eventually.
Maybe i am thinking it is my last chance because i am currently very exhausted but there is also the financial aspect that make me say last chance.
Your father is surely a fine example of perseverance and i sincerely wish he will succeed since i don’t found programing user friendly at all! Well i was a 3ds max user for many years and i was afraid of learning something new with Blender but now i am pretty happy i did.
I found this excellent article while simply googling indie game devs and depression ;
Also this motivational video is simply amazing here ;
Thanks for the links. I will have a look at them tomorrow. (It’s late here in Europe.)
I think the financial aspect is surely the biggest issue for most artists.
I surely had quite some worrying thoughts about that as well - but luckily I believe to be quite strong mentally otherwise.
Please let me just quickly mention another little anecdote:
I once shot a commercial for a hair brand. And in the set there was a wall with the huge letters:
“STOP BEING CONCERNED”. It was the slogan for this ad. And obviously it was meant about being concerned about damaged hair. But oh boy, I stood in the studio, in front of this wall, staring at the letters and thought: YEP. The first time one of those countless ads I shot has something meaningful to say.
I now try to remember this phrase, whenever I start worry about something. It doesn’t make the situation better - BUT it makes me feel better about the situation.
I have to properly dig into this thread soon when im not sleep deprivated but I just wanted to drop in a comment and show support.
You are definitely not alone in this. We really live in difficult times. Pressure is high and sometimes it seems to be coming from all sides.
Personally I have found it odd that the creative industry who, by far, harvests the most mentally affected group of people is so silent about the problems of mental health. Sometimes it really makes me doubt the integrety of this industry. Youd expect people to be able to openly talk about their mental health issues without repercusion for losing face/jobs but this is definitely not the case. This Dogma really needs to be broken.
For me it’s do it whatever the cost just do it since you matter! Your work will entertain people that could be going through pain and they will have a little moment of joy in a sea of sadness.
I remember last year just seeing a remake of the Wizard of OZ when i was very depress it put a smile on my face and i told myself as long as i can smile i can do it!
I have had a thyroid imbalance most of my life, so I have had many bouts of depression over the years.
If there is one piece of advise I could give, it would be to surround yourself with friends/family/loved ones, and always have at least one person you can confide in about your deepest, darkest thoughts.
My worst bout was when I moved out from a roommate to get my own place at a time when I was already in a bad spot. This made it really easy to embrace the darkness, and exist in an echo chamber of self loathing. Somehow I managed to pull myself out of that hole when I finally started letting my family know what I was going through (And I mean truly letting them know how dark my thoughts were).
So keep moving forward, keep your friends and family close, and with just a bit of perseverance, you WILL make it out of that dark place, no matter how much that little self-doubting voice in the back of your mind says otherwise. 
Hi PolyGreen how bizarre my nick is also Poly and my favorite color green! Yes it’s coming from all sides and the smallest mistake is often crushing people dreams.
Since i have been teaching for a few years all i can say is that it is very real the amount of mental illness in artists. It’s only in recent years that we have access to all these wonders tools to make our dream come true but what no one is telling people coming in the field of CG is that it is a long learning stage to be able to do something professional and that often you will need to abandon your social life to be able to learn all these software’s.
It’s also a mistake when someone believe that he will be able to learn everything to accomplish his dream since there are field where we are not as good because of our abilities, for me this was programing and blueprint in UE4 save me since now you can make a solid game with 60 FPS if you know how to optimize your blueprint.
There is many suicide case just in the indie game development and as i am currently going through these though time i can understand why they did it and maybe they didn’t have people supporting them and sadly we will never play their games that could have turn out to be excellent since artists are generally very passionate about their projects.
There is also the inhuman crunch time in almost every single studios around the world and artistic directors are closing their eyes on this forcing people to work insane hours so the share holders can cash in! Not forgetting they get paid the regular wage hours instead of overtime.
As someone who has, in times now past, volunteered many painful hours on a suicide-prevention hotline … I very-sternly say to you: “Seek professional help … right now!”
You’re slipping into a very slippery trap. You’re blurring “your life” with “your game.” And, right now, the most important thing for you to realize is that (a) it is, indeed, ‘a trap,’ and, (b) you are not alone. In fact, there are a great many people just like you who have “been there, escaped that,” who are ready to help you.
Please … take your present situation every bit as seriously as they do. Stick your hand up in the air and allow them to grab it and pull you out of the icy seas that you don’t yet realize you are in.
(No, I’m not suggesting that “you’re about to commit suicide.” But: "you seem to be in trouble, nonetheless … and(!) you very well might not know it. My “spidey sense” on this is going off like crazy. Seek help. It’s out there. Stick out your hand and hang on.)
Hi Cody sorry to hear about your thyroid problem and i know how it can ruin the life of those affected by it since my aunt was seriously depress from her condition.
Fortunately i have people around me but it’s also making me sad to put them in such a situation.
Long term project alone are not something i would recommend to anyone if you want to keep your sanity.
@thienchau, I have flagged your posts. As a regular, this hides them. Consider that censorship if you must, but this is grossly off topic and neither the time or place to have a discussion about BAs stance on political topics. Polynut is reaching out to the community in a time of need. Let’s not derail the discussion into an unrelated political topic.
Thank you for the advice and i know i am not well at all since it really took a toll on me all these years in front of these screens.
You call it a trap and curiously i told my friend i felt like i was in prison all those years, when i think about it now it was pure madness but it’s like you want to prove to the whole world that you can do it whatever the cost.
I am so close to make it and at the same time so far from it because of the current situation, my judgment is not even right about how much time i still need before it’s ready.
Hi,
I hope all the previous posts helped you in some way, and see you’re not alone in your struggles.
A lot of successful people have a couple of things in common. They stumbled a couple of times along the way, things were hard sometimes, but they kept on going because they loved what they were doing.
If you need help work wise, I’m pretty sure some people here are willing to help out, making that last few steps. That wouldn’t make it less of an effort on your part.
But really, please don’t try to solve this all by yourself on a personal and work level. Reach out to people for advice, caring words, hugs and maybe a helping hand. It’s very easy to get yourself in a loop for things like this. I know…
Especially in this industry, we all have been through rough patches at some point, and when that happens there’s a lot of self doubt.
Keep in there dude,
rob
Specific individual advice for each person is very hard. Especially over a long distance.
So I don’t think I am even going to try. But I think I can simply share the fact that what you are describing is something I have experienced for the last 15 years. And at many points along the way I had moments where I thought, “This is crazy! What am I doing?”. But it is in my nature not to give up. And in my case, that turned out to be maybe not such a good thing. There is the concept of “sunk cost”. And at each difficult cross-roads I would say…“yes but look at all of the work and progress I have make…” And there is another term that fits here. It is good money after bad. It is kind of like gambling. (Which ironically I don’t do). And you can’t leave the table because of “sunk cost”. And you continue to put good money after bad.
So, for me, it was timing. And I did a lot of soul searching and I finally realized that things were not going to change how they have been going unless I changed how I was doing things. And a big part of that for me, was simply letting sunk cost be what it is, which is money time and effort I will never get back. Its gone.
The question I had to ask was, “Do I want to continue going down a road that has no real visible end?”.
And for me the answer was a resounding no. And it was hard. Additionally in my case I had a crew of 12 people to also convince of this fact. And not just right my own ship, I had to right it for everyone on the crew. So it was additional stress. After I had sold myself, I had to sell them.
What I had decided was a better way to work, was to work on smaller projects that I knew I could see a visible end to. Not in years, but in months. And to which milestones would be in the matter of weeks.
The hardest thing for me to accept was the fact that this “big large project” wasn’t going to be finished. Because this was something which could be sold. Finishing it would have meant “getting paid”, and recouping the sunk cost.
However it was unrealistic. So I decided, instead, that even though I might not be finishing large sell-able project, that I could gradually over time make smaller ones, that I could use to leverage more work, or more work in the area I wanted to work in. And that over time, gradually I would build up my business to the point I could tackle a large project, or better, find someone to pay me to make it.
So for me the solution was smaller bite-sized projects that could be finished.
Once I decided that, I was feeling very good about life. And I was not as stressed and unhappy as I was before.
My team agreed and we are moving forward quite rapidly on the first short, tangible project.
The key thing for me was “How can I take this smaller project and turn it into something that generates money?” I did find a solution. And that is not important to mention here, I don’t think. But just that this was on my mind and I did come up with something that I think is realistic, for me , in my situation.
But money or not, I find myself happier when I can complete things. And completely stressed and unhappy when I can’t or there is no end in sight. And that is probably the main take away.
Don’t know if this will help you. But for me the one additional thing was timing. I had to be ready to accept this. In the past I had the same idea. But I did not act on it. Perhaps because I was not ready to give up, first, in order to move ahead with a better plan.
I think it takes some real guts to open up about something like this, so real credit to you @polynut . I know there can be a stigma around depression, certainly in men. (unsure if you’re male or female!)
I have also tried a few times to achieve something and i have failed but that’s part of the process and you get stronger learning from your mistakes. I am still trying to achieve my goal now. It gets tough, especially when you have knock backs along the way. It’s something I want to do, so my determination overcomes the failures but there are times when it works the other way around.
There has been some great posts on here, so i hope they have helped so far.
If you need to take time out and talk or just get some reassurance/confidence just head back onto here and i’m sure the community will be on hand to help. Alternatively, my private inbox is always open and i’ll try my best to lend some support/encouragement/confidence.
Stay strong 
This is a step in the right direction.and although a forum isn’t exactly ideal to vent,and ask for help.
it actually is.most artistic people such as ourselves .are commonly gifted in many things.
but this seems to come with a price.keep in mind polynut you are not alone.
posting here is reasonably safe and anonymous.you are among like minded people and i can only speak for myself here when i say i understand this completely.without taking anything from your understandable cry for help.i will share a bit of my struggles and why you should but do not know me.
i have been an artist / musician since i came into this world kicking and screaming,and demanding to be put back at once.i was a very troubled child,i did not fit in,not even at home.
back then in the 70’s none of what we know now was known.i was just a problem child,who needed corporal punishment at every opportunity,including teachers!which they rapidly learned was a very bad idea.in 3rd grade a teacher lifted me out of my seat by my ear!now i had serious inner ear issues at the time.and it hurt like hell.and i blindingly reached for something and found a bat,which promptly found her knees.so yeah theres more to that but this is about you.i use this example as why we are how we are and so much more sensitive to our surroundings and situations.i came to blender late in life.i think it was around 98-99,and rapidly found my way around.as i could not at the time use my traditional art skills.
at that time it was just nonsense and i should seek "real"employment.so there it is right there.
The people who need and love our artistic content.and demand nothing less than perfection.
are much like our real family,not what you see on tv.or facebook.demanding,unapoligetic,abusive.and uncaring.these days especially,it is sad for me to see such widespread disregard for common decency,and compassion towards mental health.in my experience every single talented person i know,suffers from some sort of mental health issue.the status quo knows this and exploits it.
i myself suffer from manic depression,ptsd,and multiple tbi.i frequently disappear from life for years.
i am 53 now,im still here and i will never give up.i havent told you much,in fact im quite sure i may have just confused your issue.i have been a blender head for a long time.i have used blender in my freelance work.and got paid.i am a studio musician as well.my point is i would do it for free.i care about people.
i am disturbed at how society as a whole hos sold out just for a couple green backs.stuff and money are the sole life goals.i had stuff,i had money.i was still surrounded by self important asshats.
so i come and go here,i was once known as the chrome master.blah blah,but you havent heard of me because i have been hospitalized alot.been through much misfortune etc.so i get man.hang tough and just be who you want to be not what others want you to be.and sorry for the ramble…this is something too close to my heart…i digress…