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What Eats Shoots and leaves?
A panda.
Whats the definition of a tachyon?
A gluon that hasn’t quite dried.
Ian
Quote:
What Eats Shoots and leaves?A panda.
Damn you!! I could of gotten away with it if it wasnt for that medilling IanC. 
i think we need an easy jokes thread that you dont have to think about forever to get
Yes, well that is why it is called “Intellectual Jokes”, and not “offensive, crude and easy to get jokes”. As I stated “dry humor”, and if you don’t get it then that is your problem.
An Atom of something in flux
In Schroedinger’s box is the crux
Of quantum prediction
And superposition
From the cat’s point of view, it all sucks.
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!
John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John’s amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result…The judges not only awarded Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.
Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
And then the necrophiliac said to the cannibal, hey thats my wife!"
You’ve probably all heard this one before… 
e^x, lnx and sinx walk into a bar. Pretty soon, lnx and sinx are happily chatting away to a group of strangers, discussing the joys of mathematics and other raucous things, buying one another drinks.
However, lnx notices that e^x justs sits in the corner, staring into his glass, so he goes over to talk to him.
“What’s the matter, e^x?” asks lnx. “You’ve been out of it all evening!”
“I know,” says e^x. “I find it so difficult to talk to new people.”
“Hmm, it can be difficult,” says lnx. “You just need to integrate.”
e^x gives an unhappy sigh. “I’ve tried!” he says, “but nothing happens!”
Oh god…I thought I was the only person on the planet who knew the above joke.
Kill it! Kill it! Before it is too late!
Damn - I suppose I need to add my contribution now. So here we go.
Three cats on a sloping roof, how can you find out which one will fall off first?
Answer: The one with the smallest mu.
I know it is terrible. Perhaps even more terrifying is that I understood all the jokes on this thread…even the ones about vector calculus.
Threads like this make me feel that elysiun has a lot of well-educated, computer-literate, intelligent people. More than average I mean - by a significant amount.
Sometimes it seem that there are more smart people here than at Oxford - and we are told this is one of the world’s best Universities (trust me it isn’t). This begs the question…are we all geeks?
Koba
my life is sad that my first reaction was that that is incorrect!
the integral of e^x is (e^x)/dx
you should start your joke by defining x, or change that punchline to “You just need to integrate over x.”
SamAdam:
Koba - which Oxford college are you at?
SamAdam, you remind me of another “joke”.
A Biologist, Physicist and Mathematician are on a train, and pass a field. The Biologist sees a black sheep in the field and says to the other two “Look, there are black sheep!”
The physicist immediately corrects him, “No from this we can only say there is one black sheep.”
The mathematician thinks a while, then carefully states “No, from this we can only determine that there is one sheep, one half of which is black!”
Koba: You are right Oxford does suck. That’s why they are forcing students to go to lectures. That’s also why I’m at Cambridge instead!
Alex
<sharp intake of breath>
Ah, you must mean Fenland Polytechnic? 
No, not the “other” Cambridge!
They are far too keen…
Alex
I go to St Catz (St Catherine’s College).
Cambridge would have been easy to get into with my A-levels. The natural sciences route would have suited me. As it turns out I am doing a ridiculously difficult physics degree here instead.
Hey…I’m not saying I would rather be a Tab.
That said, I personally think the Oxbridge rivallery is a load of immature shit. And since when have I been forced to go to lectures? What do you mean the “other” Cambridge…just like how at Oxford Brookes they call us the “other” Oxford?
Hmm… indigomonkey you go to Oxford? You seem to have a distaste for said polytechnic.
Koba
Apparantly Oxford will be bringing in a “Student Contract” along with the increased tuition fees, that will require students to go to lectures, supervisions etc… as a way of preventing students sueing the University when they fail (seems that more money = higher expectation of success).
So not yet, but soon.
Yes the rivalry is immature and pointless, but it’s not like it’s serious or heartfelt (in most cases). I personally don’t care except that I find it amusing (because I am childish, I really should stop finding it so at 22 but, meh). I especially love the way that people from Oxford always feel the need to justify that they could have gone to Cam. Strange it never happens the other way…
I am doing Physics at Cam. Snap! (O.K. technically NatSci, but I haven’t done anything but physics in two years, so I’m calling it physics)
Alex “sense of smug superiority” Cope 
Very cool.
I have several friends that went to Cambridge doing engineering, computer science and maths. I chose Oxford (I had my reasons) and I do not regret it - academically perhaps Cambridge would have been better for me. However, I wouldn’t have been happy if I had gone there instead (for personal reasons). Frankly Oxford, Cambridge it is much of a muchness to me - it is what you do after that counts.
Anyway, tis cool to find a fellow physicist on elysiun. From your age I guess you are second/third year undergrad. Feel free to PM me with your e-mail if you use messenger so (if you want) we could get to know each other better. Physicists are a dying breed in this country.
Gets me wondering how many oxbridge people are on elysiun?
Koba
That’s right! Exeter College, Engineering Science.