Can someone help me improve this render
Improve what exactly? What is missing?
What’s there isn’t bad, it’s just a bit bare and low detail. My advice would be to get some reference photos. Look at similar rooms in real photos and see what they contain that your render doesn’t.
I think the original lighting works better overall. The new one has everything in the light and loses the interesting shadows.
Maybe I would take the original and add a little bit of light coming from behind the camera. Not enough to completely flatten the scene, just a tiny, barely visible amount of light to avoid pitch black shadows.
I’d say the second one is more of a catalogue / booking.com kind of photo where the customer want’s an easy-to-understand impression of the room. Everything is easy to decipher, there is no mystery to it.
The first one is more atmospheric and tells more of a story. It must be sunrise or dawn when light falls into a room like that. But some areas are also quite dark.
Both are good renders. It depends on the use-case I’d say.
From a purely subjective aesthetics point of view I prefer the first one cause it sparks a mood rather than depicting just furniture.