Is this any good? (script writing thread)

So I’ve never really done any script writing, and all I know is what I’ve picked up from the gutter so to speak. but I love to write, (which more often then not shows in the length of my post here on BA.org) so I figured I should just do it sense I enjoy it so much. :cool:
My questions are, are these any good? what could I do to improve them? and finally, does anybody know how you would approach a larger project? these little scenes take me all of 5 minutes to write individually, but I have no idea where to start if I want more then one scene, much less a whole short animation or movie.

Story Scenario #1 – On the Journey to home

Peter: “Aww, come on Tink! You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

Tink slinks back behind a jar and father out of Peters reach.

Peter: “Fine! If your going to be that way I’ll just go on without you!”

Tink has a momentary expression of worry on her face, then decides that he couldn’t really mean that and slouches down further into the open jar she had moved into to ovoid the probing hand following her.

Suddenly, the hand is withdrawn and peter is heard walking across the room.

Beat

The sound of a window opening and wind rushing in from a late night breeze fills the room.

Tink’s expression goes completely pale, she jumps and stumbles out from behind the jars as quickly as here legs, arms, and wings will take her. Till she sees that on the other side of the room, not gone, but very much enjoying the wind in his hair, is Peter.

Story Scenario #2 – Evening at the Park

Cali: “Whats wrong Mr. Cat?”

Cali reaches out and gives a small poke to the cat with her finger, hoping the cat will be happy to see her.
The cat is apparently not in a very good mood, for it give no response to Cali’s friendly poke.
Cali undeterred by the cold response pushes on in her advance to make a friend.

Cali: “I know! You must be hungry!”

Cali gets up and runs off around a corner in the path of the park trail. A moment later she returns with a half eaten Popsicle.

Cali: “Here Mr. Cat! You can have this!”

Story Scenario #3 – The Last Orders

Pvt. Johnson: “Sir, You’ll be ok!” he looks up at a door and yells “Where the hell is a medic?”

Com. Ferrgan looks up, dazed and a bit confused, then it dawns on him what happened, feeling a sudden rush of adrenalin he pushes the pain to the back of his mind.

Pvt. Johnson seeing his commanding officer trying to get up he rushes back to his side and gently pushes him back to the ground. “Sir, just lie down for a little, a medic is on his way, and will have you back in one piece in no time.”

Com. Ferrgan: not having the strength to resist the Pvt. lies back down obediently. Meanwhile he fights back the returning nausea and pain threating to overtake him, by trying to sort out what he can do to get the remaining men of his team safely back to base. Taking into account the slip of tong that the Pvt. had just made.

Beat : gun shots and artillery explosions are heard in the background.

Com. Ferrgan: “Johnson!” his voice barely strong enough to be heard over the noise. “Johnson, can I sit at a window?”

Pvt. Johnson looks at him slightly confused.

Com. Ferrgan: “Do I have enough of my legs left to sit up?!”

Pvt. Johnson: “Ye… Yes Sir! From what I can tell you aren’t injured much above ether of your knees.” Concern now growing on his face.

Com. Ferrgan: “Good!.. Here are your orders…”

Story Scenario #4 – Parent Day

Father #1: “Wow, It seems like yesterday when I first held her.”

Father #2: Slightly confused look as he turns to face the speaker.

Father #1 oblivious to the expression of his partner and still looking on at the field full of children: “If I had known she was going to grow up this fast I never would have spent so many days working over time.” A Downcast expression creeping in as he turns to look at his partner.

Father #2: recovering his composer: “oh, yes, they do seem to grow up rather quickly don’t they.”

Father #1: suddenly turning back to the game: “Thats it Hanna! Way to hustle! Don’t let that ball get away from you!”

Father #2 slightly embarrassed by the sudden shouting and enthusiasm of this parent dressed in a suit and tie, he tries to discreetly put a little more distance between them, telling himself it’s because the yelling hurt his ears.

“Ring”

Father #2: Salvation! Relief washes over him as he backs out of the crowd of parents to answer his phone… it’s his secretary, and a matter at the office needs his attention right away. As he briskly walks back to the school entrance he catches a glimpse of his own daughter on the field, staring off into space as the ball rolls past her feet.

i think you have it 70% right. you give good direction but you have too much internal description of how each character feels, their adrenaline levels etc. This sort of stuff is generally dealt with on the shoot by the director.

also, more description of the setting, time of day would be very useful as it tells the director and DOP how to dress the set and light it.

where do these situations take place? is the place old, dirty, new, built over, desolate, sandy, dusty, verdant, overgrown, cluttered, neat…you get the picture. (Incidentally the last question was pretty much directly lifted from Richard William’s The Animator’s Survival Kit, which everyone in the world should read. Twice.)

So be harder on yourself, cut out everything that the viewer will not be able to see, add in more of what they will; and you’ll see better results.

Dan

Take a look at this : http://www.screenwriting.info/

Format your script like this :

FADE IN:

INT/EXT - LOCATION - TIME (DAY/NIGHT)

—Descriptive elements (concise and short) —

----- (Center character NAME)----

–(Tab)—(dialogue)

This should explain the importance of correctly formatting a screenplay : http://www.movieoutline.com/screenplay_format.html

to write good scenes you will need a free script writing app called celtx it is a integrated media pre-production application for film, theatre, audio, av and comics, i use it a lot, for movie scripting on my other community website.

A few recommendations:

  • Go to the site Nikolaus pointed. Or buy a book on screenwriting for the whole thing. Syd Field is a bit archaic so I’d go with Dave Trottier.
  • Start your scenes as late as possible, and leave as early as you can. Overall, be concise.
  • Develop your character extensively before you write about it.
  • You’re writing for a fully audiovisual medium now. This –

hoping the cat will be happy to see her.

might work as a pointer for an actor, but generally, it’s considered bad form to write about thoughts. You could describe her (his?) as looking hopeful, yes, but not say what’s going through her head (hope that the cat will be happy). What you can, though, is have her lean toward the cat in earnest, put her hands together as if asking for a favor as she does. Narrators, voiceovers, dialog, body language – there are many ways to convey feelings and subtext.