A few of these are from jokebooks, mostly from http://www.gcfl.net/ and a few have been…borrowed…from people on this site.
This is all in a list I have for a program that picks one at random each time it’s run, which sits in the bottom frame in my website (at least it would if GeoCities allowed PHP scripts on their site)
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days straight, you would
have produced enough sound energy to heat a cup of coffee.
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than a poisonous spider.
Always leave loved ones with kind words. You may need to borrow money.
Therapy is expensive; bubble wrap is cheap.
Your choice.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what to humanitarians eat?
Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It is far more impressive when others discover
your good qualities without your help.
If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
‘Listen’ is an anagram of ‘Silent’.
Scientists say that 1 on every 4 people is crazy.
Check 3 friends. If they’re OK, then you’re it.
99.9% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.
Save the whales.
Collect the whole set.
Preserve wildlife.
Pickle a duck.
I love defenseless animals,
especially in a good gravy.
I like kids too.
Let’s trade recipes.
Drive defensively.
Buy a tank.
A day without sunshine is like night.
On the other hand, is some more fingers.
73.6% of statistics are made up on the spot.
48.4% of statistics are meaningless.
400% of people are innumerate.
Three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population
4 in every 3 people have multiple personalities.
Despite the cost of living, it remains astoundingly popular.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I intend to live forever. So far so good.
Quantum mechanics is the dreams stuff are made of.
If at first you don’t succeed,
destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don’t succeed,
skydiving’s not for you.
If at first you don’t succeed,
try management.
If at first you don’t succeed,
does it depress you that no-one is surprised?
If at first you do succeed,
try not to look astonished.
Monday is a really awful way to spend a seventh of your life.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
I can only please one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Eat a live toad in the morning, and nothing worse
will happen to you for the rest of the day.
Everything can be filed under ‘Miscellaneous’.
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would ever happen.
Honesty is the key to any relationship.
If you can fake that, you’re in.
Reality is a illusion caused by the lack of alcohol.
Choose your rut carefully,
you could be in it for a while.
Statistics can prove anything.
81% of all people know that.
For every problem, there is a simple, cheap, quick, easy-to-use
wrong answer.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I’m not cheap,
but I’m on special this week.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
If everything’s coming your way,
You’re in the wrong lane!
24 hours in a day.
24 beers in a carton.
The Shin:
A remarkable device for finding furniture in the dark.
A Jury:
12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Déjà Moo:
The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before
Join the army, see the world,
meet interesting people, and kill them.
Why do psychics ask you for your name?
For Sale: 2nd hand parachute
Only used once, never opened, small stain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
It’s easier to get forgiveness than permission.
History doesn’t repeat itself,
Historians repeat each other.
I don’t have an attitude problem,
You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars
and I thought to myself “Where the heck is the ceiling?!”
My reality check bounced.
There are 2 rules for ultimate success in life:
(1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,
for you are crunchy and taste good with gravy.
90% of all drivers consider themselves above average.
Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?
Never knock on Death’s door.
Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
I loathe people who keep dogs.
They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man
To me the word Politics makes perfect sense:
Poli in latin means “many” and tics are blood-sucking creatures.
We put the K in kwality
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Joan of Arc heard voices too…
You’re just jealous because the Voices are talking to me.
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, if he gets angry, he’s a mile away and barefoot.
Clothes maketh the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
Why does lemon juice contain mostly artificial ingredients,
and dishwashing detergent mostly lemon juice?
It’s not an optical illusion.
It just looks like one.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.
There are three kinds of people, those who can count and those who can’t.
There are 10 kinds of people, those who understand binary and those who don’t.
Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
When you’re over the hill, you tend to repeat yourself.
When you’re over the hill, you tend to repeat yourself.
When you get older, 2 things happen.
You get forgetful and … something else.
Drink wet cement and get really stoned.
If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
I always wanted to be somebody.
I should have been more specific.
Clones are people two…
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
It was so different before everything changed.
Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child.
She must be found and stopped.
If you don’t attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours.
It matters not whether you win or lose.
What matters is whether I win or lose.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
