Jokes, jokes and more jokes!

hey everyone!

its january and its a gloomy time of the year, so why dont we make it a little happier and tell some jokes!

What do vampires become after they are 100? - 101!

What were tarzans last words? - “who greased that vine?!?!”

anyway, im really bad at jokes, so its your turn now!

Ick Warning, this thread is really nasty!

Q. Did you hear what happened when the pope went to mount olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him.

Q. What dose making love to a fat woman, and riding a moped have in common?
A. They are both fun to ride until your friends see you.

Q. What was the most exciting moment of Helen Kellers life?
A. The day her mother left the plunger in the toilet.

Q. Why dose Michal Jackson like twenty eight year olds?
A. Because there are twenty of them.

Q. Why do old men take viagra?
A. So they don’t roll out of bed.

What does a prostitute, a nymphomanic and a Valley Girl say after sex?

Prostitute: That’s it.

Nymphomanic: That’s it?

Valley Girl: Peach…peach…I think I’ll paint the ceiling peach…

Q. What did the leper say to the hooker?
A. Keep the tip.

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A. The prostitute will quit screwing you after you’re dead.

The 3 biggest lies from a redneck:

  1. My bar tab is payed up
  2. My truck is payed off
  3. Honest officer! I was just helping that sheep over the fence.

Q. Why does michael jackson love 12:00 o clock so much?

A. Because that’s when the big hand touches the little hand.

“wolf, you’re behind that tree, I see your tail”
“wolf, you’re crouching behind that bush, I see your ears”
“wolf, you’re hiding in that cave, I can see you’re eyes”

“Little Red Riding Hood, stop it: I just have to poo!”

Whats the difference between a harley motorcycle and a hoover vacuum?
The location of the dirtbag :smiley:

Nothin against bikers, i just read it somewhere.

Q. How did the mathematician relieve his constipation?

A. He worked it out with a pencil.

LOTR - that’s horrible to read at tea-time!

Heh, but Mmph!'s jokes are just fine?


I like this version better:

Q: When is it bed time for Micheal Jackson?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

Martin is chalk full of hilarious IRC conversations.

<jeebus> the “bishop” came to our church today
<jeebus> he was a fucken impostor
<jeebus> never once moved diagonally

<AgentSmith> It seems you have been leading two lives, Mr. Anderson. In one life, you are Robert Anderson, assistant cook at a Jack in the Box in Mesquite…in the other…you go by the chat alias “Randerson”…spreading homosexual propoganda, lying, and being a generally immature pest…
<AgentSmith> One of these…has a future.
<Randerson> LMAO OMFG where’s the phone, I have to tell Dean about this
<AgentSmith> How can you use the phone when you cannot…speak?
*** AgentSmith sets mode: +m

Umm yes they are fine . . . I’ll enter my jokes in later.

I just found it funny the way you said it.

And, by the way, bash brings out the lol in me :yes:


Whats the best thing about 26 year olds?

Theres 20 of them.

lol. i got one.
our local drugstore was robed of 500 bottles viagra.
the criminal is known to be a hardened criminal!

<sheep–> haha
<sheep–> my mom got this knife at some asian store
<sheep–> i was gonna use it to make myself some food
<sheep–> but instead, i'm gonna frame it and keep it for ever in the wrapper
<Tick> ?
<sheep–> it says on it "Warning: keep out of children"
<Tick> lol

Thought that was funny.

You’ve probably heard this one, but It is “fun” so I’ll share it. :smiley:

A woman walks onto a plane(she just happens to be blond :wink: ) and sits down in a first class seat.
After a little while a man rushes onto the plane, checks his ticket, looks at the seat the blond is in, and checks his ticket again…
He slowly walks up to her and says “Excuse me miss but you’re sitting in my seat.”
To which she replies “I’m Blond, I’m Beautiful, And I’m going to Chicago.”

The man walks over to the stewardess and says “Ma’am?, Excuse me, but this blond lady is sitting in my seat”.
So they walk over and the stewardess says “Ma’am, I need you to move to your seat, this isn’t your seat.”
The Blond replies with “I’m Blond, I’m Beautiful, And I’m going to Chicago.”

The stewardess isn’t sure what to do, so she brings the head stewardess over, the head stewardess tells the blond that she needs to move.
And the Blond replies with “I’m Blond, I’m Beautiful, And I’m going to Chicago.”

Finally the stewardesses go get the captain, they explain the situation, and bring him over.
The captain leans in tells the blond something, and she gets up and leaves.

The stewardesses ask the captain “What did you say, what did you say?”

He replies “I told her the plane wasn’t going to Chicago”


This isn’t technically a joke, but still funny. Click the link.

Q. How do you keep your money safe?

A. Security Briefs