I really like your updated version! If you don’t mind, I would like to offer some constructive criticism that I think will help you push this piece a bit further.
Composition: First of all, I think you do a good job of having a lot of visual interest in the scene, and I especially like your treatment of the desk and monitors. That being said, the desk/monitors are likely the focal point that your viewers’ eyes will ultimately be drawn to. However, it is cut off at the edge of the frame. This is a visual cue to the reader that it’s not, in fact, an important part of the scene. I think this might cause some visual confusion because the viewer is left wondering what they are supposed to focus on now. If you turn the camera to the left a little to capture more of the desk (at least all of the monitors) your scene will benefit greatly. additionally, this will lie on the left third of the screen (rule of thirds). Some other things you have going for you are the elements pointing the viewer towards the desk such as perspective lines, and the angles of the catwalk.
Color: Your most recent version is excellent because you switched from a roughly analogous color scheme (green and yellow), to a stronger complementary color scheme of yellow-orange and blue. I think you could push this further and bring out the blue a bit more. I think a great way to do this would be to place the desk/monitors in more light than the background (and thus making the blue stand out a bit more).
I did a quick paintover to show what I mean:
I placed the desk/ monitors in more light than the background, and made some other interesting shapes on the right (the light, handrail, and front of the machine) in more light. A neat trick i learned is to shrink your image down so that it’s a thumbnail (maybe 50x50px or so) and see if you can still ‘read’ the scene. Meaning that your basic shapes/composition should be able to convey the ‘story’ of your scene at a glance. Sometimes this means creating more contrast between the important and non-important shapes/masses in your scene.
I also added a bit more saturation to the blue drawers to make them pop against the yellow to maximize your use of your color scheme.
Overall, I really enjoyed looking over your scene and I love the detail you’ve put into your objects, as well as the texture work. Hopefully this wasn’t overly critical, and please forgive me if restated anything you already knew.
Edit: changed a few words.