Never ending text adventure

As you are just about to shoot the commandos they dematerialize in the thin air and are soon replaced with two blokes in red/black uniforms.

Command:

Look men

You see two uniform suited persons. The other seems to be alien, because his ears look pointed.

Command:

Speak to men

You start with “Hello”.
“Hello, I am Lames B. Dork and this here is Mr. Flop. Coul you be so kind and explain the situation you are in?” Says the womanizing type of guy.

The pointy-eared guy turns out to be an elf. When you laugh at him, he eats you.

Inventory: None

Command:
Punch through the elf’s stomach.

You punch through the Elf’s stomach, but regret it quite quickly, because it is very messy and goes all over the place. While the elf’s companion looks on in horror (he got nightmares last time he watched ‘Alien’), you run your gut-splattered self away and hide in a lake.

Inventory:
Some Elf Guts
5 poisonous leaves.

Command:

Tempt the locals to eat the posoinous leaves…

You finally convience the locals that they must eat the leaves in order to protect “National Security.” At first they look at you like you came from the US or something, but then all but one of them eats the leaf you gave them.

The elf guts became stale.

Inventory:
Some Stale Elf Guts

Command: Look

You are standing on the south edge of a lake about ten miles from where the plane crashed. There is a small village with five inhabitants to the east. There is a dirt road going NW/SE and a brushy field to the south. One local is reading a book. Four locals are writhing in pain.

Obvioius Exits:
NW
SE
S
E

Command: Ask local what he’s reading?

nick

The local responds, “Mein Kampf.” He also says that he’s got a book on nuclear arms, one on a huge terrorist attack, and one on Carrot Top. He also says that if you don’t stop bothering him, he’ll be forced to use one on you.

Command: Ask him if he’ll go out with you.

He reads from the book of Carrot Top, quickly repelling you, albeit with you laughing (from YOUR joke, not the toxic one the local was using). You run down the northwest path, only to regret it when you step on some cheese, quickly making all the other cheeses hate you and start attacking you. Suddenly getting hungry, you eat some of the cheeses, but it doesn’t help much. You get food poisoning and die, going to Hell. The devil recognizes that you ate some cheese (which repel demons), and tells you to leave before Hell becomes your new home.

Command: Spit in the devil’ face.

Among all the barking from him and his dogs, you also make out a single word which he calls sacred: “Tongue.” You leave, and suddenly come back a few minutes before you died, just as you are about to ask the guy out.

Command: Ask him if he’ll give you some “Tongue.”

the guy obviously doesn’t understand what you are talking about.
You decide to try nd find the plane again. After all, you might be able to sell parts of it to monkeys.
On the way back you fall down a trap. You break a nail (and your leg) until a group of talking fruit comes and carries you back to their village.

Back in the kingdom of sir fruitsalot (the leader of the talking fruit) you see a bowl filled with some really nice looking mangos. It is next to the king (a rather nasty looking pineapple) and there are many guards around.

Command: don’t eat the fruit, else something bad will probably happen.

You struggle to control your hunger. There is now a large bowl of Apples to your left.

Command:

You’re getting hungrier.

Command:

You feel faint.

Command:

You pass out.

Command: look

You’re unconcious. You can’t do that.

Command: dream

nick

You dream of a flying computer that tries to run you over with a truck. You wake up, realizing that the term isn’t “Feed a cold, starve being stuck in the middle of the jungle with talking fruit.”

Command: Ask the king if you can eat some of the fruit in the bowls.

He says, “Don’t eat any apples, we’re interrogating them. Otherwise, help yourself to some other POWs.” You soon debate on whether you want to eat fruit that fights people.

Command: Eat POW fruit.

You choose a rather small orange. It punches you, but other than the blood streaming from your nose and the constant pounding from inside your mouth, it tastes better than any orange you’d ever eaten before. You soon start eating other fruits from the POW bowl, and they all taste good. The talking fruit king thanks you for helping out with the POW interrogation, as they have found great information to help them. They give you dead apples to eat (which you put into your inventory, having been satiated) and are willing to grant you one wish.

Command: Oh, hell, I don’t know, write that one yourself.

I does not matter if you don’t know. I know.

Command:

Think of a good wish.

You start pndering a good wish and remember, that some time ago you wanted to return to your airplane. You also wanted thta the monkeys would be gone.

Command:

Wish for monkeys to be dead and return to crashed airplane.

Everything goes dark and starts to swirl. Then, when you blink your eyes, you notice, that you are back in the airplane.

You walk outside and look towards the monkey village. It is empty.

you go outside of the plane to have a quick look around the monkey village, only to hear noises coming from the plane. you turn around and the monkeys are inside the plane. It has also been repaired and they are trying to start it up.
You run back to the plane but the monkey’s have started it up and are taking off. You chase after it and jump into the back just before it lifts off.

Command: dare one of the monkeys to go skydiving.

you notice and realize that the monkey’s are rabid… you see a gun behind you, but unsure of what it is. They monkey jumps at you, and you fall out the back of the plane, with the gun, and the monkey that is trying to kill you (he has a parachute on his back)

Command: look for a way to get the parachute without damaging it

you decide the only way to get the parachute is to shoot the crap outta the monkey.
BLAM! BLAM! etc, etc

The monkey is dead, but the parachute now has about 13 holes in it.

Command: stay alive

you take the parachute. Then you take out the knife that you had hide into your socket. You cut some part of the skin of the monkey and then make some “patch” for the parachute. You put it on your back and Jump.

Command: Do anything you want…

For no reason whatsoever, you want to drop your pants. However, since this is a G-rated zork clone it’s suddenly replaced with an unmistakable urge to sing a Disney song.

You hit the water, break a leg, and start sinking.

Command: sing “Under the Sea” from “the little mermaid”

(jesus you make this impossibly WEIRD)

Noticing that you could only sing the beginning line before drowning, you pray to god that you don’t die

Command: crap your pants

(in an effort to keep the weirdness going)
You crap your pants.
You feel something hard and oblong in your pants.

Inventory:

  1. Parachute with Monkey Skin Patches
  2. Dead Monkey
  3. Pocket Knife
  4. Handgun
  5. Box of ammo (87 pcs. left)
  6. Something hard and oblong in your pants

Command: Examine Oblong object

Ok… to get us outa the wierdness…

You look at the object, only to notice it is an eel, you try to whack it with your gun, but running out of air, you pass out.

Inventory:

  1. Parachute with Monkey Skin Patches
  2. Dead Monkey
  3. Pocket Knife
  4. (no more handgun!)
  5. Box of ammo (87 pcs. left)
  6. Something hard and oblong biting you

Command: you dream of being on a nude beach

The computer operating your brain unknowingly misinterprets “nude beach” into “prude leech,” and suddenly, a leech sucks out all your blood. You are dead. Suddenly, you’re whisked into the 9th circle of hell and given a chance to get back to life. It is the ultimate of endurance tests: Watching “Glitter,” “Waterworld,” “Battlefield Earth,” “Titanic,” and “Cube 2” in an endless loop for 12 years, with breaks only to write reports on Windows every 12 hours.

Command: Oh, you guys choose it.

poor guy… this is a never-ending text adventure, I feel sorry for whatever sanity is left of him…

Anyway, this dude is completely determined to get outa hell…

Command: Look for the almighty wise blender-monkey to instruct us in the ways of 3d-modeling

You find the monkey levitating in a corner having a conversation with Cheney, Saddam, and Jerry Springer.

J-Lo walks by.

You suddenly realize that this isn’t really hell, it’s a hot tropical beach, therefore regaining your sanity.

Command: Your choice, follow J-Lo or gain Blender nirvana…