Off-Color Kid's Stories

General Forums Off-topic Chat
1

I think I’ll start a thread with darker, more twisted versions of kid’s tales. I’ll obviously start.

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king’s women and all the king’s men
Had an omlette of Dumpty again

Itsy-Bitsy Spider

The itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout
Down came the rain and washed the spider
THe spider drowned and nobody cares
Whenever spiders do that on stupid dares

Home Alone
A kid gets left home alone while his family vacations into the sun. He sees an old guy violating a younger kid, and soon, hungry because nothing in the house is edible, some thieves whack him over the head and give him to the old guy for improper burial.

The Three Little Pigs
A wolf’s tribe was getting hungry enough to eat cows, but since none of them were very kosher wolves, they sent the wolf over to a nearby pig village. He blew down two pigs’ houses, slaughtered them, and put them in a kettle with boiling water. The next one was harder, since the house was made of something strong, but the wolf just kicked the door in, slaughtered the pig, and made some nice pork soup. It kept them fed for days, and eventually they had eaten so much pork soup that the wolves exploded.

Rapunzel
A young princess was captured by a dirty old man and put into a castle for later, after all his other kids were “finished off.” She sent out a paper airplane with the words, “HELP! A DIRTY OLD MAN WANTS TO SCREW ME,” and a prince came by. However, because the prince slowly walked from Chicago to Russia (going east), she had hair long enough to cover the castle. When he found this out, he asked her to throw down her hair. She did, and it was braided, too. He started climbing, but she was on a diet, and soon fell to her death because she didn’t weigh enough. The old man captured the prince and had his way with him.

Goldilocks & The Three Bears
A kleptomaniac nicknamed Goldilocks broke into a house with a family of bears. However, they were out searching for hunney (not knowing that bees can’t write “Hunney” on their hives), so she was safe. She ate their porridge, slept (nude, since she was also a nymphomaniac) in their beds, and stole everything hoping to sell it. (Why do you think she’s called “Goldilocks,” because of her hair? It’s black, you idiots.) However, the bears came in soon, but she shot them with a gun she produced out of thin air, and sold their skins for money.

Okay, your turn.

2

There once was a little boy called CUBE.

and he died coz he was to dumb to breath…

the end

HA HA HA.

j/k what really happened is he started to look at porn and became addicted, so addicted that he became a BUM on the street.

Alltaken

3

u stole all the good stories! how the hell do we follow that?

j/k what really happened is he started to look at porn and became addicted, so addicted that he became a BUM on the street.

i heard he was so addicted, he now has a deformed claw shaped hand becuase of it =\ just rumors i hear… dont shoot the messenger

4

Cut the insult would you ? He may end up like me if you don’t cut it out.

5

hmmm

i remember doing funny parodies of kids stories. i made two good ones, particularly on two curious geroge books. but i made those from the books, and since i dont got the books, i cant say them, since i dont remember them.

heres one other though

little miss muffet
sat on her tuffet
smoking her crack and her weed
then came a pedofile
he raped her for a while
and left her body on the street

edit: heres another:

the queen of farts
she poisoned some tarts
with some of her cyanide
the knave of farts
he humped the tarts
told them to open up wide
the king of farts
he ate the tarts
and now he is living no more
the knave of farts
got genital warts
and now his dick feels sore

6

First of all, pedophilers don’t murder kids, second, ain’t there an X rated version of jack and the bean stock ?

7

laughed my ass of at those!! especially the second one! :smiley: :stuck_out_tongue: :smiley:

8

OK i am sorry CubeFan!!

i was being silly coz it was like the storys my dad told me when i was young and he didn’t want to read me a book!!!

like “there was a little boy who went to sleep THE END”
great storys huh

p.s. i don’t want to turn out like blendermax so i will Not insult anyone anymore, even if i think i was being funny.

ha ha ha

kids storys are so funny, my favorite is when they RE-MADE pinochio ( i can’[t spell i don’t think)

and they called it “AI”

ha ha ha that was the ultimate re-writing of a crap fairy tale.

Alltaken
Alltaken

9

Read some of the original Brothers Grimm, they don’t all have happy endings.

10

Granted, some of these may have been funny – in a sick, twisted sort of way – but remember there may be some younger blenderheads wandering through these parts…

:Z Here to protect the pubic … I mean public. :expressionless:

11

ha ha ha yeah well umm CUBE is the young one LOL…

12

Really ? I would love to corrupt there mind :smiley:

13

F*ck you, muteinvert. I LIKE CURIOUS GEORGE.

Also, alltaken, “AI” didn’t suck. It actually managed to make usage of the special effects to tell the story (i.e. Dr. Know), instead of movies like “Lord Of The Rings” that could do without (it’d be kind of cool to imagine the orcs, except when they’re absolutely neccesary to show onscre–oh, hell, it was the length of the movies that sucks, and all they’re doing is showing off their software).

In fact, let’s broaden the topic to include all kinds of fantasies (or just me), and I’ll go and redo “The Buddyship Of The Ring.”

A midget’s basketball-star friend came over and threw the uncle’s wedding ring into a fire. Some red writing appeared on it, and so the midget and three of his frat buddies went out to go throw it off a mountain… or into it, whichever one. They got 5 other drunks to help them, but one of them got dragged down into some deep dark pit by the BFG while the others went to Niagra Falls. Some whore told the first midget that he was supposed to go throw it into the mountain, which was pointless since he knew that already. They got seperated, and orcs killed all of the 5 drunks as well as two of the midgets. The other two midgets got on a boat to the mountain, looking at each other weird (I suspect they’re a couple or something), not paying attention to where they were going and falling over the rim of Niagara Falls.

Okay, here are two for everyone (paraphrased from somewhere on maddox.xmission.com because they’re so friggin’ hilarious):

Little Red Riding Hood
A dumbass went to deliver some food to her grandmother, not knowing that a wolf ate her and tried on some of her clothing. Just then, the dumbass came in and interrogated the wolf about why his teeth and eyes were so big. The wolf got angry and ate her. However, the dumbass was so stupid she didn’t know how to be eaten, and the wolf got indigestion. Moral of the story: Ask too many questions and you’ll be eaten.

Hansel & Gretel
Two bratty kids went into the woods because their parents were sick of them. They found an old woman’s house made of candy, unaware that the woman was a cannibal. Upon discovering this, they threw her in the oven she made. However, she broke down the door and roasted them on a spit-roast. Busted.

I’m sure there are more fairy tales that can be altered, like “Cinderella,” “Rapunzel,” “The Princess And The Pea,” and stuff that’s not fairy tales but made for kids, like “Pokemon,” “Dragon Ball Z,” and “Robocop 3.” The possibilities are endless… and maybe this thread will be, too.

14

you people are seriously fudged up… :o

15

Thanks, Dittohead. I needed that.

16

LMFAO @ Muteinvert’s twisted, messed up stories.

Also, Cubefan:
Nobody here’s give half a shit whether you like LOTR or any other movie. If you’ve never read the book, your opinion doesn’t count.