What made me write this is the fact that I came close to flunking another set of exams. I wouldn’t have crossed the line I any one of them had they not been scheduled to take place in the afternoon.
Now, a lot of people on this planet find themselves in similar situations (or maybe they don’t and I just find it comforting to think that everyone sucks) and usually the best way to solve this crisis is to shut up and get down to work.
But since that approach has failed with me quite a few times, I, after lots of thinking about how I got here, concluded that it is worth spending half a day to write down in a few hundred words all what is wrong with me and my life and hope that makes me get out of his hole.
A few years ago I used to kick ass at academics. Yes it was just school, and only really tested how quickly you can memorize massive blocks of text and how well you can puke it on the paper the next day without half digesting it, but I was doing well in flawed system and thus it can only be said that I was on the right track. Like all kids I had plans for world domination and was convinced that I was a fucking genius.
Then, we had to move to some other city. For most people this is nothing dramatic. But it was a first for me.
I had always been in one school and one house all my life. Now that everything had changed, change being something this brain wasn’t used to, I started wanting to go back.
I had to make new friends, and since I didn’t get out of the house, that didn’t happen in the two years I lived there. In school I did make friends, but I always felt like a stranger. That place never started to feel familiar but only because I didn’t talk to anybody.
I did nothing but eat, sleep and (try to) study. I would find a million things to waste time when I had to sit down and study. I couldn’t get anything done, became detached from reality and watched loads of TV. I remember having a couple of OBEs when alone at home and it was scary, to put it mildly.
This screwed up my brain pretty bad. For two years there was zero intellectual stimulation (unless documentaries count) and zero social interaction. But what really blew up in those two years were the personality traits already present in me. I had always been a bit shy, especially with girls. I was sensitive to negative evaluation by others in pretty much everything, and would easily give up anything I found out I wasn’t good at (like sports) for the fear of being made fun of. In short, I wanted people to like me.
Now everyone who has gone through puberty must have been self conscious at some stage, but as Wikipedia says, a personality trait becomes a personality disorder when it disrupts a person’s normal activities - makes him do some things or stops him from doing others. This was now true for me. I avoided all social interaction, close to running away when someone wanted to talk to me.
All my thoughts centered around what people other people think about me. The only things I remembered were bad social experiences. When around people, everything I did was influenced by the shit stated above.
But I associated all of it with the fact that I was in a new city. I thought everything would be normal when we get back ‘home’, which was scheduled. Cities change pretty quick in developing countries these days, and so when we did get back, everything about that city has changed, but nothing about me did. I faced the exact same circumstances that I faced when I had left - new people, new places, and even though the house was the same, nothing around it was. There were new additions, including a 25 storey office at about 30 meters, construction waste all around, and a bunch of ugly houses where I used to play built with the sole purpose of cashing in on the influx working youth, all of whom I thought were total assholes.
Back at my old school, I discovered that I really was an idiot to think that people would be welcoming me. Puberty had done strange things to my old friends (whatever little number was still there), and it was practically like going to a new school. When I look back at it, I find it quite funny that I went back to a school that sucked just because of my old friends. But given my personality, I also remember exactly why I did it.
It was like someone dropped a second bomb on my head. Within a few days of getting there, the city I hated didn’t look so bad. At least I had friends in that school, here I had to do that herculean task again and I didn’t bother to. It was the worst social isolation I have experienced. It was mentally depressing, tiring and needless to say did things my brain I have come to accept as permanent.
Nothing worth mentioning happened there. Also I don’t remember any of it even though I passed out two years ago. My brain only treats bad social experiences as important and puts everything else in the trashcan. The only good thing to have happened in that period is that I never got close to killing myself and that two hours before a maths exam, I thought it was good idea to surf the Internet for nothing and somehow discovered the fact that this mental state is actually a recognised personality disorder. disorder called AvPD.
I read a few patient accounts and they explicitly stated everything I always dismissed. I thought everything would just be alright one day and I would gradually become a normal person. But this was shouting at me that I had been stuck for quite some time now, and ideally needed a psychiatrist.
But the AvPDian inside me had another approach to solving this problem. He thought that now that I knew everything that was wrong with me, and all my problems had been stated in some pretty impressive psychology lingo, I would overcome all of that automatically. My brain would remind myself of the rational reasons for my behaviors, actions, and feelings and everything would auto correct.
Unfortunately, that hasn’t happened. Knowing that I have AvPD has helped me get over a lot of things. I can interact with people, but only in a borderline formal way. I cannot strike a casual conversation with another human being. I can never have an emotional ‘pour-your-heart-out’ kind of conversation with anyone, including my parents. I still cannot ask a girl out, and in fact avoid talking to them at all (this is still close to running away).
I am confident about my abilities and I no longer care about what people think of me, although at times the ghost does come back.
I have developed two personalities, one is the real me and one is the me around people. The second guy is a loner. He avoids all social interaction by choice (so that he wouldn’t have to go through it). He doesn’t run after girls (they don’t know that he exists either) and still dreams of world domination (since that’s the best way to ignore reality). Every aspect of his personality has the purpose of getting me though life without feeling like I suck.
The first guy cannot care less about his future, still finds something useless to do when he has to study, and watches depraved pornography every now and then.
Frankly, they both suck, and I haven’t achieved anything in life that I thought I would at 19.
Which is what prompted me to write this. I thought that I needed help back then but now I can say that it was just an excuse I found to be complacent and consistently and selectively procrastinate everything important in life.
I write this thread because saying all of this here is equivalent to, as lame as it sounds, saying it to a bunch of real people, and now that I have written down somewhere all that is wrong with me, the next time my brain would remind myself of the rational reasons for my behaviors, actions, and feelings and everything would auto correct.
This thread wasn’t supposed to be read, but to be written. I wanted to channelize the anger I have for myself. I thought it would do me some good, and I did it at the risk of being seen as an attention whore. I would request the mods to not delete it. It will die, unlike the forum games.