Starts out with the player seeing a headlight coming at you then passing by (Car)
(You’re character, Kevin Johnson, a profession ghost hunter & is going to one of the most haunted houses of all time)
While in the car driving the character speaks & says… “I’m a professional ghost hunter
that has been doing this kind of stuff for 7 years now…
I’m going to a house in DeadWood, Ohio to investigate it being
rumored to be the most terrfying house in the world no one has made it out
alive to tell the story of what happened there…I’m going to spend 1 night in there to prove
if it’s fact or fiction
My name is Kevin Johnson, & this is Ominous Dark”
Title screen for “OMINOUS DARK”
you finally pull up to the house & you stop…Your character looks at the house for a moment (view of house cinematic)
Your character gets out of the car & grabs his EMF & says “I only need this for now, Ill come back for the rest once I check the place out”
(ALL OF THAT CINEMATIC)
5.(This is the part where it teaches you how to play & use your items, etc.)
you go up to the door & its locked,
you notice the window is slightly open so you decide to go in (all gameplay part)
(Miny cinematic of you going through window & the character looking around the main room for a moment)
Ok that’s all I’m going to put for now…
What do you think? Should I change some thing’s? =)
You either have a great Flaw or a great Chance in your Story: You are literally punching the Premise into the Player’s Face, that there is a Ghost House and that it spooks there and everything.
Okay, of Course: When People are playing a Silent Hill, Resident Evil, Fatal Frame Game, they know that there will be some Sort of Horror, but what you are doing is as if Silent Hill 2 started with the exact Words: »I am James Sunderland, I have recently killed my Wife and my psychotic Fantasies have brought me to Silent Hill where a higher Power or just my own Psyche will punish me for my Sins while I murder other innocent People because they look like Monsters to me.«
You see the Problem? There is nothing to find out anymore, you practically reveal the Plot itself within the Premise (since the Protagonist is a Ghost Hunter and therefore the House will, of Course, be filled with Ghosts – otherwise, why would the Developer make him a Ghost Hunter??)
There is, in Fact, only one enormous Chance within that Concept. The Concept has been used once in an old Movie Classic (»The Haunting«), but never really in a Game (Silent Hill 2 maybe, but not as subtle): You could make it that there are no Ghosts and nothing haunting at all in the Ghost House, but that the Protagonist makes them up everywhere he sees them, by which I mean that Ghosts would mostly not even be shown, maybe he is in Fact just afraid of Shadows and suddenly feels attacked by them. You could, therefore, make a rather innovative Game out of it, if you went such a Way.
There isn’t a whole lot there to critique, honestly (it won’t win any awards for being the deepest, most developed story around), but it sounds cool. It’s a good concept.
I kind of agree with C.A.ligari, though, that you shouldn’t just tell the player character what’s going on. However, I DO think you should show them. Find ways to convey the same information without resorting to a monologue to the player(which seems overly contrived, to me).