I wrote this yesterday. I swear it’s real.
School is usually a boring series of essentially unrelated events, similar to an anthology show. Not to mention that most of them are down endings, but I don’t mean to say that just yet. But here’s the thing: There’s some kind of romantic thing in the air. I’ve seen two kids (a normal girl and a jock-ish type of guy) in my computer class fall in love, and as I know, they’re still down there, hoping nobody will rescue them from that pit. (I know, my analogies are weird… hey, “falling in love” is such a weird phrase, I couldn’t resist.) I’ve never seen that happen to me except one case, which was so brief, I might as well not write about it.
But there’s always a problem: Heartbreak. Obviously, when your relationship isn’t going anywhere, you’ll break up, and there will be a mess of emotions. Sure, your relationship wasn’t going anywhere much, but you’re still in love with them, and you can’t stop thinking. I may not have experienced true relationships, but I’ve felt heartbreak. Two times, both at the end of the year (it’s almost déjà vu, except the circumstances are way different), and today was one of them… I’m still recovering, if I can say I am.
Here’s the story: A while back, I fell in love with this girl who works at my school’s cafeteria. Problems are obviously going to emerge, and the main two are that of not having a clue as to whether I should tell her or not, and having crushes on what was around 4 girls at that time. (It’s now 17,576 minor crushes, and 4 major ones. She’s one of the majors.) But I was madly in love with her, and I couldn’t get her and her beautiful hair out of my head. (Part of the reason I fell for her, I think, was her then-reddish-orange hair.)
But those soon came with more crushes as the new semester rolled in. I had a new lunch period, and around 17,572 new crushes. My interest in her almost fell when I saw she had dyed her hair black, but it quickly came back as I realized that I liked her anyway. (It came back gradually.)
Later on, two dorks were bugging me. I tried to get them off my back, but it didn’t work too well. So, later, they told me about one girl who had a crush on me, so I (somewhat grudgingly, somewhat interestedly) agreed. The girl wasn’t interesting to me, but soon enough things went a little better when “the Cafeteria Girl” (as I’d call her in my head) came and sat down. We were introduced, and I soon enough told her what I thought of her. Okay, not really; they asked me if I liked her, and I said something like, “Sort of.” From then on, it looked like smooth sailing.
She’d actually notice me and acknowledge my existence by waving at me. I liked her, and I knew it, but I still liked around 17,575 other girls. I couldn’t figure things out. I was in such a whirlwind by the end of the year; I’d even posted a thread up on the Elysiun threads about it all. Eventually, I narrowed the list down to 4, one of which was her. I was so madly in love with all these girls, apparently, that I threw away my fears and started a few experiments. One of them involved asking her for her e-mail address. She looked at me, bewildered, and as Timonides put it, she was probably either thinking, “Why does he need my address?” or “Should I call the cops now, or wait 2 minutes?” Maybe I shouldn’t have asked her in the middle of an order. I told her to forget that, and apparently she did, since later, on the bus, she acknowledged me again, when I was walking on the sidewalk. (There: Proof I’m not stalking her. My house is walking distance; she has to ride the bus. Any questions?)
So later, today, I got into her line (amazingly, she never told me anything like, “Get the hell out of my line”), and took a picture of her. (I have a perfectly good yearbook, but I didn’t bring a pen or even the yearbook, and the two pictures of her in them are posed, black-and-white, and don’t do her any justice.) I went through with the line, and eventually, felt shunned. She didn’t talk to me. It didn’t feel right. Then again, I had barely seen her that week; seeing her at all felt like a godsend. But the picture didn’t turn out right (I can’t tell if she’s even in it); I couldn’t get another one (some idiot kid thought it would be fun to cause a food fight, causing chaos and ruining any kinds of chances I had); and I didn’t even get to talk to her. One minute or so, and I would have tried to explain two things: First, the e-mail thing was an absolutely stupid idea; and second, that I was in love with her. (Timonides said that I should stop the experiments unless I was absolutely certain. Maybe I wasn’t, but I wasn’t really listening.)
So, later that day, I’m angry with myself; nothing turned out right, picture-wise or order-wise. It was just so chaotic, even by Brimhall Junior High School standards. And then when I finally got home, I started to cry. (If any “manly-men” types are reading this and thinking that I’m a coward and should have taken it “like a man”… go to hell.) As I went through the emotions, I suddenly realized something. I was in love with her most of all.
The last time something like this happened, I think I felt that same emotion, but this time, I felt it differently, almost like I was certain of it. My problem had barely begun, and the worst part was barely starting: I’d recently found out she was in 9th grade for certain, meaning that I wouldn’t see her again the next year. I’d have to wait 3 years, and by then, she might have changed, or she might not even care about me anymore, but now I regret my choices. I wish I’d realized this earlier; then I’d have come right out and told her, but there’s no use in wishing that I’d done something else. Now, there’s nothing I can see to do.
I’m so mad and angry, but I’m also so sad. I may never see the girl I love again. I feel like Rick in “Casablanca,” or Captain Kirk on essentially every episode of “Star Trek” (for the sake of examples, let’s just say “City On The Edge Of Forever”). But worst of all, I feel absolutely helpless. I am so sad that I’m probably going to post this up to the Internet and ask for advice, or print it out, and hope I’ll encounter her again. But it seems so useless. It probably won’t happen. And there’s no point in printing it out for myself to read and cry over. My tears are beginning to collect. Sigh… I wish I could do something about it. I feel like I’ve lost my only chance at happiness. Sure, as Timonides put it, “If a girl dumps you, [shrug it off] and move on,” but now I feel that I can’t. I’m still in love with her.
(I’m just joking man…