I am working on the story for my first 3d short film, and would like some serious constuctive criticism. It’s untitled as of now, but I wrote down my first general story idea. It’s kind of dark. I’m thinking it will be four or five minutes at this point. Characters will be exagerated and cartoonish, and enviornments will be as realistic as I can make them.
(There are also some little notes to myself in there about camera movement and compisition)
Here it is:
First General Story Outline
Scene 1- (It’s a sunny day, but I want to give it a colder blueish feeling. The grass is scattered and rocks and boulders are common. ((Maybe evergreen trees.)) Characters are dressed for chilly weather. Maybe sweaters.) We see the man with the weird sideburn, “honest abe” beard, with a shiny bald head. Bright blue eyes. Shiny as well. walking on a cobble stone path to Basil’s house at the border of the woods(maybe! Remember render times on trees! Possiblility for compositing or matte painting) The man comes to Baz’s shop and see a wooden sign on the door that says, “Gone Flying” or something like that. The man goes around the house to see Baz packing supplies into his balloon.
Baz walks past it and accidentally knocks in a piece of wood that was sitting on the edge. (Baz is a sharp but kind looking man. Early forties maybe, has wrinkles and has an aged quality. He has a jagged hairstyle, some hairs long, some very short. with a dirty old top hat. Small irises. noticible crows feet around his eyes. Rough eyebrows, greyer than his normal hair.) The man greets baz “Good Morning”.- Baz says “It’s quite early for you”- The man asks if he thinks he really wants to be doing this.- Baz points into the sky and says he’s going to make it to the top. He knows it. The man says that Marie wishes him luck. “I’ve been flying for years, I hardly think I need it.” says Baz. But he does look down, as if he doubts it. As if he’s only lying to himself, and he knows it.- “Yes.” says the man quietly. He looks down as well and there’s a small pause.- “Well, I’ll be off.” and he begins to walk away. “When you make it to the top, Marie says to give a wave to the town. Some of the kids will be watching to see if you make it.”- “Okay.” says Baz, with a slight chuckle.- The man is now out of sight and earshot. A crow comes down and lands on the balloon basket. We see in a shot, the sun slowly go behind a cloud. END OF SCENE 1
MAIN TITLEs shown
Scene 2 We see the man back on the path. The light dims with the sun going behind the cloud. He looks up and sees a storm gathering. His eyes grow a little wider and he turns around with the camera. We see the ghostly silhouette of Basil’s Balloon floating quickly away from his home. “no…” mutters the man. (I want this scene to be one continuous camera shot. First the camera follows him from behind, the looks up as he does, then spins around him to see the balloon. But the camera does keep slowly spinning around him to see his face at the end of the shot, looking alarmed, fearful and worried.) END OF SCENE 2
Scene 3 -We see Baz in his balloon checking various dials and guages, and writing down something in a log of some kind. He sets it down next to the camera. We see that it says, “Balloon Mission to the Summit of Mount Rolan- Log” He jolts up when he hears thunder. He looks to see the storm that is gathering at the same height as he. Lightning flashes within the clouds. Without looking away from the storm, he pulls the lever to turn up the flame. The handle is rusty. Next there is a good large shot of the balloon from the side. You can see the silhouette of Baz moving throughout the basket, and clouds moving quickly down. Back in the Basket, we see Baz cough several times, and then a cloud engulfs the balloon. END OF SCENE 3
Scene 4- The man is now running through the door of his home in pouring rain. As he runs through the door, we see a sign by the door that says, Dr. Theodore Burg, Medical Doctor. Inside the home, Theo looks up at a leak in the ceiling. END OF SCENE 4
Scene 5- (It’s raining constantly, thundering constantly, and there is constant lightning. I want this seen to be very noisy.) Baz’s Basket is being shaken somewhat by the winds. Looking around for a reference point in the clouds, he sees one crow come through. He smiles a little bit. Then we see dozens more coming through. Baz’s mouth opens with horror. In a silhouette shot of the balloon from the side, we se the crows flying into the balloon and onto the other side. In a few quick shots, we see crows tearing the balloon apart. Suddenly all the crows are gone. Baz coughs again, then looks at the altimeter. He’s at 18,000 feet. The shot of the altimeter zooms out of Baz’s eye and we see him faint in the basket as the camera zooms way back from the balloon, clouds engulfing the camera until the screen is black.
Scene 6- (The storm has ended, but there is an overcast. We start this scene with Baz slowly waking up, slumped over on the floor of the basket, which is very wet. He gets up, and looks around, in a shot where we can only see his face. His mouth opens in alarm and confusion, and his bottom eyelids come up some. “What’s Happened?” he mutters. Jump cut to a shot of the basket floating in an ocean. Baz picks up his spyglass and looks around at the horizon. The camera is now inside the spyglass. He stops turning at a rocky island almost invisible in the fog. The camera now below his head, looking up at him. He takes down the spyglass, and keeps his eye on the island. Picks up a peice a wood off the floor, looks at it for a moment, then leans out of the balloon, and starts paddling towards shore. The camera looks at the piece of wood making ripples in the water. Next we get a foggy side silhouette of him paddling through the water. Then a shot of him in the basket. Then a shot from the island’s silhouette. looking at Baz hit the rocks and crawl out onto the island. It is grassy in patches and is very rocky. Another shot of Baz sitting on the island shore, catching his breath. The focus changes to a sign behind him that says, “Mount Rolan.”
A silhouette shot of the island shows a crow coming to rest on the sign. But the sign tips over and falls into the water. Then we get a shot of Baz looking up for a moment, then disregarding it. He doesn’t see that he has made it to the Mountain he set out for. The final shot is of the sign from Theos house floating to the surface of the water. The camera pans up to see the sun slowly come out again. The crows flies by, then the screen shows credits.