Short Story im working on

It needs work, but I know this is the best place for comments and additions. Please crit seriously I want this to be perfect.
By, Enrique Gonzales

Chapter 1
The Gates of Hell

07-14-06 300 hours

I thought it was a joke, awake and in full gear at 3 am. The rain outside was coming down like a hurricane had passed. We were all in line, our guns draped over our shoulders. The rain poured over my face, I wanted to wipe my face and get the water out of my eyes. God I hated when the water got in my eyes. Transport trucks pulled into the yard and we were ordered to mount up.  Live ammo was given to us before we were helped into the truck. Where could we be going? Why were we given live ammo and put on this smelly, uncomfortable, soggy transport. We weren’t allowed to talk to each other, as usual. Fear raced thru my Sarge’s eyes. I wanted, so bad, to ask where we were going. 

“What’s all the hub-bub about Sarge?” I yelled. Stupid!

So Stupid! I had to open my big mouth. If they wanted us to know they would have told us by now. The Sarge looked at me and nodded like he didn’t want to talk, like he couldn’t talk. What ever was the problem it must have been bad. I have never seen him lose it like this before. His hands were shaking he tried to calm them by rubbing them together, hoping we didn’t see him. We saw him alright, He was to lead us into battle or where ever we were going. Were we at war? If so why didn’t they brief us? Has America been invaded by another country? Impossible! No way any country in the world has the capabilities of attacking the U.S. Where in the hell were we going? I could barely see out side the back tarp. Trucks, a mile long, were following us to our unknown destination. Then I heard it, Helicopters dozens of them! all passing over our heads. They over took us and then I heard more. No, these are jets! Everyone in the truck looked up at the same time almost like they were trying to catch rain in their mouths.

“All right what the hell is going on Sarge?” I screamed over the sounds of the low flying jets.
“I don’t know! I don’t know……” He just kept saying that. Then he put down his gun and took off his helmet. As if he just snapped out of a day dream. He wiped the sweat from his forehead.

“Listen up troops, LISTEN UP!” he yelled.
“I’m sure you’re all wondering where we are headed. You can believe what I’m about to say or you can believe I’m crazy. What I’m about to tell you, is what my commanders told me before we set off from base, It’s what their commanding officers told them, and its what was broadcast over secure channel by the highest command authority in the country, the President of the United States. Boys” He paused “We are on our way to the Gates of HELL!”

Everyone paused, we looked at each other in confusion. Giggles started to engulf the truck. Then laughter, the Sarge looked pissed.
“Shut up everyone!” He yelled at the top of his lungs.
Then as everyone was at then end of their laughter, and jokes, we heard it. A bang so loud most of the men on the truck jumped in their seats. Even Sanchez, who was sitting next to me, grabbed my sleeve. Fear raced through the truck like electricity thru a copper wire. Then we heard more, and more. The bangs were so loud now, we were getting closer. “What tha fuck man!” Kenyon screamed. “What’s going on out there?”

“I told you…” The Sarge looked like he got sick to his stomach. “…It’s the gates of hell”

“What the fuck does that mean Sarge?” Jones yelled back.

“Don’t you read the Bible Jones? It’s finally happened. The Gates of Hell has been opened, and we are on our way to kill the Daemons that are coming thru.”

I couldn’t believe that, of all the off the wall bull shit I have ever heard; that takes the cake. Was he kidding? I was starting to make up my own reasons for the loud explosions, which by the way, is getting louder.

Then the Sarge pulled the tarp back next to where he was sitting. His eyes got big and he stood up. He reached up and grabbed the rope that ties down the tarp. He gave it a hard pull. The tarp was blown away by the high winds and rain. Everyone in the truck was in shock that the tarp was gone. The rain came down on us and stringed our face and eyes.

“Look!” the Sarge pointed to the sky line on the driver side of the truck.

What I saw I could not believe. It could not have been real, but there it was, hovering over the trees. A giant, a real life giant, it was all bloody and cut. He was smashing everything around him. Jets, Helicopters, Tanks, Artillery, and small gun fire was all pointed at this monster. Unloading everything they had on him. Everyone in the truck was on their feet. Then the truck stopped and we all fell forward on each other. I fought my way up to my knees. I had to get another look at this thing. It felt like a dream. If my back didn’t hurt from someone sticking their gun in my back I could swear I was dreaming. I wiped my eyes and looked again. I saw a tank fire another shot and the giant took an artillery shell in his knee cap. The giant screamed, the sound was so loud everyone hands went their ears at once. Then slowly the Giant dropped to one knee and fell to the ground. The bombardment continued. The tanks never let up, not for a second. It looked like the giant was to get up when two F-14’s fired 4 sidewinders into his head. The head exploded in a great ball of fire, blood, and brains. The body went limp, it was dead. I turned my attention to the bridge. Gun fire was still going on. The Sarge stood up.
“All right men, Lets go! Weapons at the ready.” He looked over to the dead giant. If it don’t look human, shoot it! Now get of my truck and don’t get killed!” We all jumped off the truck. Soldiers from behind us were already on there way to the front line. The flashes of tank fire and gunshots reflected off the helmets of the men in front of me. Everything went quiet; all I could hear was my own breathing. It like I was there but I wasn’t. I kept running, my eyes focused on the man in front of me. Trying to keep my footing and keep my self from slipping, I had a surreal feeling. For a moment I forgot where I was and where I was going. Then it hit me.” It was a pain I have never felt before.” An arm so long and hairy I knew it was not human.” I was thrown back against the truck. My head pounded as I fell to the ground.” I rolled over and was in between the back tires and the front. Gunfire rang out and I covered my ears. My head hurt so bad all I could do was close my eyes, and pray. Pray to god if he was up there, to come down and help me. I opened my eyes and saw the monster ripping the arms off Sanchez. I screamed and let out a whine like a baby. The monster threw Sanchez’s body to the side of the road and looked over at me. He walked towards me and I rolled further under the truck. The monster grabbed the underside of the gas tank and stuck its ugly hideous face under the truck. It was the most horrifying thing I have ever seen. It was like a man, a man with no jaw or eyelids. His nose was cut bigger to let more air in. His breathing sounded like a man snoring it had a deep low bass sound to it. The skin was stretched from his hand to his shoulder so tight that it ripped. One eye blinked with what little eyelid it had left and the blood dripped down and mixed with his saliva. Then a hail of bullets from behind the truck tore him to pieces. It turned and jumped up into the air, letting out a great puff of air. Then I heard screams from behind the truck along with the never ending gunfire. I rolled out the other side of the truck and straightened my helmet. I brought my weapon up and loaded the barrel with a quick motion. I walked around the back of the truck and saw the monster bleeding, holes ripped thru his body. He was tearing a solders body apart as he was being shot by almost a dozen men. I took aim and he looked over at me. What was left of his upper lip curled and I shot him in his eye. It rolled over, clearly in pain, and tried to escape to the water. The men gave chase and cut him down before he reached the waters edge. Men walked up to the monster, as it squirmed and twisted its body, and shot it until it was just a bloody mess of skin and bones. I took a deep breath and looked over to my right and what I saw made me drop to my knees. Hundreds of monsters were pouring out of the ground. Fire was bellowing out of the same hole and I saw the bulk of our forces firing their weapons into the hole. I saw monsters get cut down and get right back up. Walking towards our location, I saw monsters tearing the bodies of soldiers to pieces and moving on to the next. Our bullets had almost no effect on them. If this was the Gates of hell and these were the Devils Daemons we had no hope of surviving this. I got to my feet and fired what ammo I had left into the crowd of monsters as I retreated back. Jets and Helicopters unloaded missiles into the crowd, the concussion of the blast tore hundreds of them to pieces. It was the break we needed. The crowd of monsters turned away from the bridge. They headed back into the hole and we gave chase. A few monsters were being shot to pieces by the, now regrouped, infantry division. Then the tank let out a barrage of fire into the hole and I saw the bodies of the monsters fly into the air. Heads, torsos, arms, and legs were being spread all over the place. Then the gunfire died down and it was quiet. It felt like another surreal moment to me. I quickly snapped out of it remembering what happened to me the last time my mind wondered. It was true; the monsters were retreating back into the hole that they came out of.

“What the fuck is going on!” I heard someone yell behind me.

“It’s the end of the world.” Someone yelled back.

“What the hell are those things?” I heard another man yell.

“Hell’s daemons!” My Sarge yelled. He was standing on top of a truck. His gun was smoking from the rain cooling his barrel off. “152, if you’re still alive, rally at the water front.” 12 men left out of 24. We lost ½ of our men and we didn’t even see it coming. We all walked over to the dead monster that died next to the water and we all got our flash lights out. It was dead alright. Its brains were splattered all over the place. Blood ran down the grass with the rain and dripped into the river. Sarge took out his field knife and poked it to make sure. The monster moved. We all jumped back and Sarge slipped trying to move away. Gunfire rang out once again as we shot another 100 rounds into this thing. When nothing was left but a pile of blood and guts we stopped firing.

“Holy, Shit!” Sarge said in an exasperated voice.

“It’s dead now Sarge”, Jones said.
I was glad to see Jones was still alive. Jones and I have been together since basic training. We have been thru it all you could say, at least until tonight.

“Alright men, we have orders to set up a perimeter 100 clicks from the anomaly, let’s get to it” Sarge was receiving traffic on his head set.

The rain stopped by the time we got the trench dug and sand bags filled. I was about to question the use of sandbags, when I thought the more I have between me and another one of those things the better. Barb wire was run along the water front and in front of us. Engineers set up a makeshift minefield. Claymore mines were set at every angle we could get with out putting our selves in danger. During this whole time I think I took my eyes off the hole for a total of 2 minutes. What, if anything, was going to come out that hole next? I sat there gun in hand and along with the whole company from Fort Summer waiting. Tanks took position. More choppers arrived and I looked at the river and saw a battle ship getting closer to our position. We were on the front line of what ever this was. End of the world, I didn’t have the capacity to think about such things. I believed in the Bible, I wasn’t a full time Christian or regular church goer or anything. Thanks mostly to my father who believed Churches existed only to take peoples money. I read about the end of the world, but it was nothing like this, nothing about a hole being ripped open in the middle of Washington DC. What was happening, if this proves there is a HELL, a devil and daemons, where is God and his Angels? I looked up at the sky. Dawn was creeping up on us and the sun was rising. I wiped my face and took aim back towards the fire breathing hole, waiting for what ever happened next.
Chapter 2
Hell on Earth

07-14-06 600 hours

Command Center, Office of Homeland Security

Reports were coming in from all over the world. Holes as big as a Football field were being reported everywhere. Monsters were pouring out like ants from a disturbed ant hill. A lot of countries were caught unprepared and thousands of people, men, women, children, babies, and pets were torn limb from limb. Their hearts eaten their blood drank like wine. The monsters spread all over the world. France, Russia, Great Britain, and Australia were all hit the hardest. Many of the men and women, in the command office of the Homeland Security, were still in shock and awe at the situation. If not for the streaming 100 channels of news from around the world, many would not believe what was happening. Candice Reece was assigned to this office three days ago. She didn’t even know where the restrooms were or the coffee machine yet. Yet here she was, relaying messages to the different branches of the government about monsters, deamons, attacking the United States. One hole in Los Angeles was reported and the fighting continues at the site of the hole. Thousands of LAPD officers and Fire fighters lost their lives when they arrived on the scene. Many died, but reports showed that every officer fought until the Army Reserve came with reinforcements. Looting has overtaken the entire nation, and gas stations have closed down for fear of being robbed. Many citizens have taken shelter in Churches, and those not afraid have moved closer to the holes. The Army is having a hard time moving to the locations because of the congestion of highways into the cities. Fires have been set in almost every major city, and fear has raced thru millions. Some news casters have left their desks to be with their families. Rumors of this being the end of the world, has everyone in shock. 

Candice was shaking, her hands unable to type or move her mouse even. Her job was at this computer, and she had to get a hold of herself. The reports she was reading were unimaginable. Stories of men being dragged underground their screams heard over the gunfire, to giants being killed on the steps of Capitol Hill. It was more information than she was trained to deal with. She shuffled around her desk looking for procedure binders, something to give her a hint as to what she was supposed to do. Her hair was falling into her face and she took a second to tie it back with a rubber band she found on her desk. Her glasses were barely hanging on the tip of her nose, while she bit down on her lucky pen. She had this pen since college and it never left her side. She didn’t use it, because it ran out of ink years ago. She didn’t chew on it she just thought better with it in her mouth. After she got her hair up she heard someone behind her.

“Candice Reece?” a man asked.

Candice jumped and took a deep breath. “Yes, I, I, I’m Candice” She turned around to face him in her swivel computer chair.
“I have orders for you, from high command.”
“Thank you, officer.” She was much more relaxed knowing the Marines were posted at her building. The Marine handed her an envelope and she opened it, the Marine never moved.

From:  	United States Office of Homeland Security
	Gerald Winston, Director

To:  	Candice Reece
	Contact Relay Specialist

You are to report to General Frank Frankford, Marines will provide secure passage. Please do as they order, you are now under their command.

					Signed Gerald Winston

“You can follow me Ma’m” The marine said in a cold voice. “Grab your personal things and lets get on our way, General Frankford would like to have a word with you. Take only what you can carry.”

“What’s this about?” she asked

“I’m not allowed to discuss the matter mam, just please hurry.” 

By now every worker in the building was peeking over their cubicles, wondering what was going on. 
“Back to work!” a man yelled, “We have important work to do here, let’s get it done and maybe we can save some lives.”

Candice grabbed her bag and followed the Marine out side where a Helicopter was waiting for them. It was a huge helicopter with two propellors on top. As she was helped in, an older man with 4 stars on his helmet grabbed her hand. 

“Candice Reece I presume?” He yelled over the sounds of the propellers that were getting louder as the airship prepared to take off.  She knew he was a general from the stars on his helmet. Growing up as a military brat, she knew of some things. She was strapped in by a man in a flight suit and a helmet was put on her head. He tried his best not to mess up her hair. When she was strapped in the man pointed his finger in the air and spun it around a few times at the pilot, and the helicopter took off. “What’s this about General?” She said over the intercom.

“You have been asked for by the highest power in the world Ms. Reece.”
“The President?” She looked back at him with a confused look. Why would the President care about her, she thought.
“No, Someone higher, waaaay higher.” He looked back at her and smiled.

The wheels in her head spun out of control. With everything that was going on this morning what could be next she thought. With 6 hours of sleep she was still tired and half asleep. The helicopter ride made her a bit woozy also and her head started to spin. She looked down out the window and before she could say anything, she blacked out.  The last thing she saw was the General grabbing her head before she hit it on the window. 

Candice Reece was a good girl. She was in church every Sunday. She gave to charity, helped build a home for a deprived family. She even served food at the local Mission on Thanksgiving and Christmas, choosing to spend her holiday with the less fortunate instead of her own family. She dated a little in High School but became known as the girl who would not even kiss on the first date. So she became the girl who got no dates. This continued in college where she studied Sociology at the University Of Notre Dame. She received her masters just three years ago. She had a boyfriend, if you can call him that, his name was Sam, and he would meet her for coffee after class and discuss the world events. They never went on a formal date, or even visited each others apartment, but they were happy with the friendship they had. Somewhere in her mind she wished Sam would ask her to come home with her, or meet her for dinner. He never asked, and neither did she. Sam was lost to cancer in Candice’s Fourth year in college. He had a tumor when he was younger and the doctors thought they got it all, but it came back with out warning and took his life, just before he was set to graduate. Candice was distraught for many months. She would continue to sit at the coffee house all by herself and order two coffee’s, one for her, and one for Sam.  When she finally graduated she paid one more visit to the coffee house and cried, one last time.

Candice was bathed in light. She was dreaming and everything around her was white like snow. She was laying on the ground in a white dress. Her feet bare, and her hair fell to her shoulders. She looked up and saw an Angel.  He was dressed in white armor trimmed in gold, with a helmet over his head covering most of his face. His wings were spanned out behind him like he was flying. Then he reached up and took off his helmet. What she saw next scared her and soothed her at the same time. 

“…Sam?” She managed to speak somehow.

He glided closer to her and she reached out to him. When her hand touched his, she awoke and doctor was standing over her with something that smelt really bad.

“What happened?” She asked
“You passed out on the flight over.”
“Where am I?”
“You’re in Air Force One mam.” The Marine, who had not left her side since she left her computer, spoke.
“Why am I here? What do you want with me?”

Then what happened next sent a chill up her spine. An Angel just like the one in her dream walked around the corner. Was this Sam? He took off his golden helmet and her dream or vision a short while ago came true. “Sam!” She jumped up from her chair and wrapped her hands around him, tears streaming down her face.

“I have returned Candice.”
“Sam I have missed you so much, I have so much to say.”
“Later Candice, We have much to discuss about the events taking place on Earth.”
“What does this have to do with me?”
“You’re the one Candice. You’re one of the people they want to take down to him.”
“Me. Why Me?”
“He needs someone who is pure, Pure heart and pure body”
“You mean…” She paused
“Yes, He needs some one he can plant his evil seed into. He can not walk the earth, but his children can. Dozens of women around the world have been taken to him already. But he has his eye on you. We know this to be true. They came to Washington to find you.”
“What am I going to do? Hide?”
“No, I have been sent to protect you. The Angels have gathered and will join the human Military’s around the world in the coming hours. There are not many of us. Angels have been sent to every countries leader affected by this war.”
“Yes. The holy war between Heaven and Hell has started. Earth is just caught in the middle. If he is allowed to bear half human children they will have his powers and the ability to walk the earth, something he cannot do.”
“Sam, this goes against everything we have ever been taught.”
“I know. The things I have learned and seen, everything we have been taught was all wrong. Well most of it anyway. There is a Heaven and there is a Hell. Earth has slowly fallen into the hands of Hell, and now it’s safe enough for the deamons to attack. They can only attack at night, any sunlight drives them underground. When the sun falls they will come after you. I will protect you. I promise.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. I know what you are thinking. I can feel your thoughts”
“You can. How is that possible?”
“It’s a power I have learned to use. When you become and Angel great possibilities open for you. You are taught to find your inner powers and how to use them. Like becoming invisible, It was the first power I learned to use. That way I could fly down and check in on the people I loved. We are not allowed to show ourselves, at least we weren’t. Now that the devils army has shown its self, we have come to aid in the fight.”

To be continued…

Copyright 2005 Enrique Gonzales

Maybe a writersforum is a better place to get C&C on this short story (that’s still to big for me to read it all)

well this story may be my next movie project in blender…so its kinda a blender project too…writing is an ART i think…

well seeing that no one really comment or read it, I gave it a shot so you didn’t do that for nothing!

Overall idea: great!
Overall writing: quite good!

I’ve been reading throught it, while thinking that you would make that in 3d…and I kept telling myself “Omg that’s gonna be hard…omg so fricking hardcore story to do in 3d” lol… You can probably achieve it, but it will be long. And it won’t be such a “short movie”…to tell all of this you need more than 5min, or it will look kinda rushed.

I also think some part are said too directly, and too simply. Like “we’re going to the gates of hell” when Sarge says it. It could be less precise…and let the reader understand what it is. He could just stick to his “I don’t know” or say they were going on a mission to protect the country but that he knew nothign else…and once there you would have a christian soldier going crazy holding a cross and saying what this reminded him off… You can probably find something better, I’m just saying what I felt when I read it. It’s just too much “in your face”.

Also that girl, will you give more info on why the devil want -her- precisly? I mean there is plenty of young christian virgin around…why her? and how did they know it was her that satan wanted? Taking her aboard air force one…while there are plenty of other virgin to save around teh country…lol Could need some more precision.

But I like the general idea you got there. But, I wouldn’t mention it’s a fight between evil and good…I’d stick to a war between 2 factions…watever the humans were lead to believe, god and satan are just 2 entity, willing to take over the world…no good…no bad…just 2 side. Fortunatly for god, Jesus did a hell of a good job (pun intended lol) at putting the humans on the side of God. I can’t wait to see some angel flying through the hordes of demon slashing them with light sword…you could have some trator angels that turn back against god and act as general on the side of the demons :o

ok ok…I’m just thinking out loud lol it’s your story. Keep it up, it’s good!

I haven’t read the whole thing but I think you got a good story there! I’m not that good at writting so I can’t really crittique much…Keep it up!
oh btw you mispelled demons :slight_smile: