Some good news for the USA

JOHN CLEESE’S LETTER TO AMERICA

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

  1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

  1. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

  2. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

  3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”

  4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

  5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

  6. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.

At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

  1. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

  2. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

  3. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

  4. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

  5. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

  6. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer.” Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

  7. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

  8. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

That was almost funny.

He tried way too hard I guess:confused:

I’m on board for the Roundabouts and the Boddingtons.

As for the rest… Good luck. I don’t fancy your chances.

  1. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

At least something in there should really be adopted.

Nah.

There are people who really need therapists. Like the soldiers who’ve been damaged by war.

It’s perfect when you think about it. Guns create war. War leads to therapy. Therapy doesn’t really help, so people by more guns (to shoot themselves).

Give’em just enough to keep going and they’ll go. No, questions asked. This applies to every country really.

Wait a minute Cleese lives in California and doesn’t know that we put Ketchup on French fries. I think he may have received one to many fish slaps in his day.

A classic, not by Mr Cleese himself, but genius nevertheless.

This post re-appears every four years… It was funny the first time it was posted, ironic the second time it was posted, and this time its just down right sad… :frowning:

I am optimistic, it can only be an improvement.
JF

…yeah the bit about “the right to bear arms” was the part we Yanks wouldn’t tolerate the last time 'round. Nice try. The line “Don’t Tread On Me” still applies.

Edit: oh, yeah… and its “aluminum”. Deal with it.

i agree with all of that except the roundabouts.
ive driven in them. they are very annoying.
its very easy to lose your orientation, and street names go by so fast its very common to have to circle many times before exiting. not only that, but they are much more dangerous.

While I would agree that Bush’s re-election proves that over half of the U.S. is dumb as bricks, I wouldn’t exactly say that England is fit to do a proper job of governing this place. And even if you were qualified, would you really want to?

But you’ve brought up a good point:
As the Empire of Amerikah is about to elect new (perhaps competent?) leadership soon, I should probably get any anti-patriotism out of my system now… you know, just in case of the slim possibility that the new president turns our nation back into one we can feel proud of and love. :stuck_out_tongue:

Great tongue in Cheek letter!

Yeah, I think at this point we as a nation are incapable of choosing someone who would make such a difference, in large part due to the fact that politicians arent good people, but also because people are so incredibly stupid. People eat up all the crap they throw at us, and then complain that they dont like how things are being run. They dont really listen to whats being said, and they ‘take stands’ on issues they dont even understand. Therefore, the country is being run by organizations and media, because the people arent educated enough to think for themselves.

I highly doubt that’ll change much regardless of who wins this election.

As for the letter, Im a little split between laughing and shaking my fist at the whole thing. Amusing for sure.

Pardon me, but let me correct you on this point. Bush’s re-election only proves that just less than half of the US is dumb as bricks. :wink: Bush lost the popular vote (twice) but won the electoral vote. I think this further proves that our government is in serious need of revamping and perhaps it’s time we scrap this electoral college baloney and go with a direct vote. But that’s assuming we are also able to clean up the state polling corruption as well. Argh… don’t get me started, this politics stuff really gets me upset :mad:

I remember this letter well :smiley: But I do believe there was a retort (for the vocabularily underendowed: A witty reply :p) to it from the Americans to the sender, was there not?

EDIT: And there it is. I wonder if Australia has anything to interject in this sad state of affairs :confused: Or perhaps we Danes should lay claim to the lot of you… We conquered the British Isles back in the day, and discovered America (correctly named Vinland, thank you) long before that wanne-be Columbus! Now where was that list of foreign Embassies again…

Gee wiz, don’t get your undies in a grundy it was kinda funny :smiley:

America always winds up as the butt of jokes :smiley:
America, in truth, isn’t so bad. I mean, we don’t hafta drink tea, or have bad teeth :smiley: PLus, english people talking gives me a headache :smiley:

Football i eight times more manly than rugby. They call it rugby, cuz it hurts as bad as a rugBURN. Football is 24 foot gorrilas heaving 550 lbs of heaping muscle at one another, hoping to level somebody down to the core of earth. Do british peeps think american accents are annoying?

Bush lost the popular vote (twice) but won the electoral vote.

When was the second time?

What? You don’t even vaguely plan your routes beforehand? On anything but tiny roundabouts the exits are all signed before you hit the roundabout, and on large ones the lanes are all marked.

It was Douglas Adams that pointed out that the kind of people who want to wield power are exactly the kind of people you don’t want to have it.

Always liked that one, myself. Oh, if you haven’t read the Hitch Hikers Guide, I really recommend it.

EDIT - double post sorry

Interestingly the letter has at least one stereotypically American mistake:

  1. Look up “aluminum” in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it.

Discovered?

You mean the person who spotted alum had a metal base? Oh wait, he was British.
Or the person who isolated it? Nope, German. Person who found it in bauxite? French.

I also like the fact that it continues to complain about how Americans can’t cope with the complexities of England.

I think the letter was in fact drafted as mocking the US.

[edit - continuing the letter that’s pretty much certain. I felt it lost the subtlety it had at the beginning. Still funny though :slight_smile: ]

Double post, sorry. Please remove :slight_smile: