Telemarketer Terrorism: How To Annoy Telemarketers!!!!!!!!!!

General Forums Off-topic Chat
1

You hate them, don’t you? Those people who call you up and try to persuade you to buy something you don’t need. We know they’re trying to make a living, but there are better, less annoying jobs out there, like Blending and being a clerk or a cook or something.

Anyway, here’s how you can annoy them.

First up, you need to have NO devices that block them. It’s more fun when you have lots of fresh victims. Next up, you need a decent sense of humor. Sarcasm, snobbiness, and wit are recommended.

Here’s what to do: The next time you get a call from a telemarketer, insult them. Here are some fun ideas to get you started:

“Ooh, I won the big-screen TV/$1,000,000 prize/big-prize thing!” They should know that they’re not from some contest, so they’ll say, “No, you didn’t…” Act disappointed, then say, “Well screw you! I’ve got calls waiting!” Hang up. (The basic idea is taken from Letterman.)

“Good boy, spot! Now, I’ll teach you how to (insert trick most dogs can’t do, such as operating a remote or using the Internet)!” When they ask what you mean, tell them that they’re blocking a call from your dog, then hang up.

“My call from a telemarketer, take one and… ACTION!” Act as phony as you can. They’ll be confused. Then do something; improvise.

“WRONG NUMBER!” This one is the easiest. All you have to do is pick up the phone, say (or yell) “WRONG NUMBER!” and hang up.

(CENSORED) Do your best George Carlin impression and say things that would offend Kevin Smith.

“Hi, I’m (you)'s local butler.” It gives the impression that you’re rich. Then, when they try to get you to buy something, say, “HAHA! I’m not rich, I use freewares, for heaven’s sake! Quit calling me!” Hang up. In fact…

“QUIT CALLING ME!” Act like they’re stalking you. For example, say that if they follow you to the grocery store again, you’ll call the police, or that if you don’t get out of your tree, you’ll shoot them. When they ask what’s going on, tell them that you’re being stalked, then in the middle of any word, simulate (or do) a cutoff.

“We don’t want it, thank you…” This time, DON’T hang up. Insult them, act like you’re talking to other people about how annoying they are, then act like you realize you didn’t hang the phone up. Say, “Sorry, we’re plotting your death. Bye!” Then hang up.

“I’m not (you), I’m the ghost that haunts their house…” Act spooky. Tell them that you’re considering moving to their office. Try to convince them that ghosts exist. Then, when you’ve freaked them out, say, “I’m watching you,” and hang up. This works especially well during Halloween.

“Ooh, what is it that you want to sell me?” Act like an idiot. Also, act like you’ll buy what they want you to buy. Then, finally, when they ask for information, hang up.

Remember, these aren’t the only ways you can annoy them. Act like you’re from a pizza parlor, tell them to go (screw) themselves, whatever, and remember: TERRORIZE THE TELEMARKETERS!

2

did you make them up yourself, or why arent they making me laugh?

3

One that always worked for me:

If it’s a woman, ask them if you can talk about it over dinner.

If it’s a man, ask if you can talk about it over dinner.

Of course, these only work if you’re a man. If a woman tries it with a man they’ll be likely to accept.

4

Do the Jerry Seinfeld method:

Them -“Hi, would you be interested in purchusing our new credit card?”
You -“This sounds interesting, give me your home phone number and I’ll discuss it with you when I have the time.”
“We can’t do that.”
“Oh, you don’t like people calling you at home?”
“That’s right.”
“Now you know how I feel.”

Another Seinfeld routine:
Them -“Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?”
You -“YES!” Hang Up

I simply act like I don’t speak English. Though sometimes I’ll talk with them for 20 minutes before saying, “Do I need a job to have a credit card?” So funny! :wink:

5

Most of them I made up myself, yes. Annyoing, very. But that’s what everybody should do to a telemarketer.

dmwitch: And if a woman tries it on a woman… ?

VK: Clever. Amazingly, you manage to do something worth it and related to the original idea.

Remember: Branch out and don’t just use my ideas.

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Hey, I might try one of those…

7

Uhhhmmm…

Have you ever tried to say to them:

NO!!!

I do it every time and it works… :wink: :wink: :wink:

Spyros.

8

Ask them if they’re an inmate, a lot of telemarketers use prison labor!

I like that seinfeld method, i’ll try that the next time they call, but we haven’t gotten a call for like a month (i think it’s a special touch from god on our house).

Pooba

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telemarketers have feelings too ya know! bastard! they have to pay the bills somehow! bastard! :x :x :expressionless: :frowning:

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blengine, that’s like saying terrorists have to pay the bills too.

Some states have lists you can join that prevent telemarketers from calling you by law.

I get about 4-5 spam calls a day.

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the best one ive had was this girl called to switch my phone line to some other company
me: what are you wearing?
girl: what?
me: what are you wearing?
girl: jeans and a shirt
me: oh thats great
girl: continues with here plan
me: is there any chance of us going any further here
girl: what sir?
me: you know like any chance of you coming out of those jeans?
girl: um no
me: well then im gonna have to let you go :slight_smile:

the chick was actually pretty cool and laughin the whole time

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Tmtechie: Clever, man!

(man she was a hip hip lady man – Dazed & Confused)

  1. Quit eliminating capitalization!
  2. They can pay the bills without having to annoy the sh*t out of everyone.

Ah, that would explain one Letterman joke about telemarketers using prison time. In fact… (I’ll edit this later… bwohahahahaha!)

EDIT: Ah, okay, here’s the top ten list: “Top 10 Least Effective Opening Lines For Telemarketers!”

  1. “How would you like to own land in Afghanistan?”
  2. “Can you call me back? I don’t want to run up my bill”
  3. “Hi – I’m phoning from prison”
  4. “Meow”
  5. “Dude, did you know your phone number spells ‘cabbage’?”
  6. “Do you have 3 hours to talk about insurance?”
  7. “I’m selling a new video ‘The Best of David Letterman’”
  8. “What are you wearing?”
  9. “There’s still time to buy New Jersey Nets season tickets”
  10. “Good afternoon, my name is Osama”

:wink: Feel free to use them in reverse. (i.e. act like Osama, act like a cat, etc.)

FUN!

13

When I got married we never switched the phone from my wife’s maiden name so when someone calls and asks for that name it’s a good bet I have a telemarketer. I tell them there is no one here by that name. If they thank me and hang up all is well. If they persist and ask if I make the decisions on, for instance. long distance calling plans, I tell them that all those decisions are handled out of the corporate offices in Cleveland or where ever. If they ask for the number, which only a few do, I give them an 800 to somewhere (I assume). All very congenial and pleasant.
I don’t insult them because they are just trying to do their job. An exptionally job, but a job at that.

14

well when they call me this is what i do.

i say “hello” and then when they introduce themselves then ask for the homeowner, i just say oh you want “so and so” and then say DA YOU WANNA DO A SURVEY. or DAD ITS THE TELEMARKETERS.

which they of course can hear me yelling out.

and then i say sorry its not convinient or hes not here right now and won’t be back for a week.

or i just answer their God Damn Survey and waste 10 miutes answering questions about how much Pizza i eat and what shops from.

and if they ask the question like
do you buy pizza from
Pizza hut
Eagal boys
pizza haven
dominos

etc…

then i just say none of them i go to the supermarket and buy frozen pizzas or make my own, oh and theres that small shop down the corner the local one you know (and explain where it is then ask if they have feard of it) and continue to explain how they make good pizzas there and how i prefer to support my local shops.

ha ha ha then i just answer the rest of their survey but i always give answers that arn’t on their lists coz then they get crappy survey results.

ha ha ha

and telemarketers don’t really try to sell stuff here, but they always seem to be tele research groups who give surveys rather than selling stuff.

Alltaken

(p.s. yes that was a real survey i answered abuot pizzas LOL)

15

lol those are good one…

well usually I don’t answer those thingi…but each time they call…the answer my dad want everyone to say is: I’m only a locator, I don,t take this decision.

Ex: I call for the X company. We are selling air conditioner…UHmm sorry I’m a locator. hang up hehe…and htey don’t call back…

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The two most common responses I give are: he(me) doesn’t live here…and Im underage :slight_smile: They seem to believe this!(even thou I have a deep voice…)
One That I really wanna try is this: Telemarketers sometimes try to contact the Robinson family, I tell them is a wrong number but I’d like to tell them they are “Lost in Space” :smiley: Maybe next time!

17

Sorry this is a little off-topic but it would be a pretty good practical joke.

If you have an answering machine, have it so that your message sounds like a one-sided conversation. Usually people have the message like “We are not here right now, please leave a message after the beep”. Instead, set it so that it’s like “Hello? {pause} Oh hi! How are you? {pause} Yeah, me too. {ask or talk about random things for a while}” then suddenly make it so that it beeps and starts recording without any warning. :smiley: I think that would be hilarious, but we don’t have an answering machine so I’ve never been able to do it…

Ok back on topic… :expressionless:

I rarely have to deal with telemarketers, and when I do, I usually just hang up while they’re explaining their service or survey. Sure, it’s kind of rude, but so is an anonymous person calling you in the middle of dinner to blab about something you don’t care about.

18

hahaha speaking of surveys i took one one time and got to watch commercials before they were real commercials haha little paper cutouts moving and stuff for bandaid, cambells soup, and cereal adds. so they call me up the next day and i take their 10 mins survey that turned into 45 mins!!! so finally they were like what did you think about that (capn crunch commercial) and i was like i didnt like it and they were like why not and finally just so they would stop asking me questions i was like cause capn crunch looks like a penis when he wears that hat hahahahaha.

gave out a couple more cracks and it was a well thank you for your time sir :wink:

20

I acturally did this one once:

Telemarketer: Is <<my name>> there?
Me: No, sorry, he went mad and we had to shoot him

He was quite good about it really, asking where the body was, giving helpful hints on how to mask the smell (apparrently coffee’s quite good…), asking me whether I inherited the phone bill after he died (so he could sell me his whatever he was selling)

Other ones i have yet to try:

For a cable network:

  • “Do I need a TV for that, or can I use my radio?”

For a cleaning company:

  • “So you say you can clean anything? How about goat’s blood? How about human blood? And I’ve got this annoying chalk outline…”

For a pre-approved credit card:

  • “So if I use this card, do I have to pay the money back? I haven’t payed any loans back yet and I’m not going to start now!”

For almost anything:

  • “So you say you’ll deliver? That’s great, 'cause whenever I leave the house this ankle bracelet goes off…”
21

Ooh, here’s one…

“Sounds nice. Do we need credit cards?”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t have any money, and the phone guys are about to cut off my phone at any ti–” hang up