I do Let’s Plays of Minecraft My channel’s at http://www.youtube.com/user/nemoDaedalus
Some things about your vid: Sounds like you’ve got a proper microphone, that’s good. You sound mature, so that’s good as well. However, the balance between voice-over and gamesound is a bit off, the voice is not loud enough. What often helps is if your software has an option called ducking, to turn that on. It will drop the sound level of the gamesound a bit when you’re talking. Also, sometimes your voice-over sounds a bit too acted or like you don’t really know what to say. It doesn’t sound like your real reaction to the game. Maybe because you’re too busy thinking about the recording, and trying to think of what to say, that you don’t experience the game completely.
Additionally, I’d like to say, see if you can edit the video a bit. The whole loading screen isn’t entertaining, you could simply get rid of it completely. Of course Minecraft is quite a different game then this one, but I edit out a lot, I can have 2 hours of footage and make a 20 minute episode of that.
I also record my voice-over last, never while I’m playing. This gives me a lot more freedom, like I can foreshadow things that will happen later in the episode. And I don’t really run out of things to say, because I have more time to think about it, and it avoids the risk of using the same words too many times. Again, this may be a bit harder to do on games like this, where the actual reactions are more entertaining.
But almost every Let’s Player’s first few videos aren’t 100% good. It’s something new you’re trying, you have yet to find your own style, you’re not used to the whole recording situation. You will improve over time.
I hope that helps you a bit.