Well here’s the first part of something I randomly write when it’s late at night and I’m bored
This has foul language and might be offensive to religous type people
note:this is about the first third, If you guys want to I can post the rest of what i have so far
Mr. Faxi had just woken up. He moved his sheets over to one side and rolled off the bed and went down stairs. There he saw a curious man seating in his dining room
"Who are you?” said Mr. Faxi
"Oh I think you know who I am,” said the anonymous man dressed in robes
“No I really don’t so if you could just leave” said Mr. Faxi
“Oh god damn it, how can you not know who I am, I’m opportunity dammit.” said Opportunity
“Aren’t you supposed to knock” said Mr. Faxi
“Oh yes It seems I forgot… You idiot I visit a million houses a day” said Opportunity
“Then why didn’t you knock, what you just said has no relevance to my question” said Mr. Faxi
"Well think about it Mr. Faxi fax, if I knock on each house I visit my wrist would fall off, my medical bill would be through the roof” said Opportunity
“Uh hu, why are you here anyway” said Mr. Faxi
“Well Mr. Faxi I’m here to take you to heaven”
“Uh that doesn’t sound like a job for Opportunity”
“Ya we’ve had to lay off a lot of people, were in bad financial situation”
“But it’s not my time yet please just let me slip”
“Hahaha I love pulling that one on people, just kidding the reason I’m really here is because”
"What kind of a sadistic bastard does that, that’s not funny”?
“Oh I think it’s funny, but anyway I’m here to tell you that”
“No it’s not funny”
“God damn just shut up for a little would ya”
“Alright fine fine, what great opportunity is there for me anyway”
“Well you could win ten million dollars”
“Ok you see, that is what you should’ve said right when I saw you, It would’ve been much easier”
“Yes yes any way there are a couple challenges you must do before we can let you win the money”
“Whoa Whoa who is we and why do I have to do challenges”
“Well we is me and god, as far as the challenges, well we gods get bored so we need some entertainment”
“Alright what do I have to do”
“Okay your first challenge is to climb the great mountain known as Mt. Collokulup”
“Uh I’m a god damn fax machine, I can’t climb my own stairs without having a heart attack”
“You can do it, just believe in yourself”
“Believing only gets you so far but not all of it is mental”
Opportunity fades away
“I’m playing with the big guys now, haha. I’m gonna be rich, haha fuckin rich I tell ya. Like that guy… hmm… what was his name, he was on TV. …Oh god dammit this is going to bug me the rest of the day” said Mr. Faxi as he shut the trunk of his car which was now full of dynamite (Mr. Faxi you little cheating bastatrd)
“He drove for thirty minutes night and days. Nothing could stop Mr. Faxi from his future…” said a voice in the air as Mr. Faxi pulled into sonic. “Dammit Mr. Faxi you’re ruining the mood”
Mr. Faxi didn’t pay attention and went on about ordering his food
After he was done pigin out he went back into his car and drove across the street to the mountain.
He had an evil smirk on his face as he opened up the trunk. He pulled out a long rifle one of the many sticks of dynamite and a match. He had made sure to apply Meta caps on the back of the dynamite sticks for reasons unknown to the gods yet.
“What the hell does he think he is doing” said the good who strangely resembled a mix between the penguin and koala.
“I think he’s going to blow up the mountain” said the all mighty god of the sheep patters
“well that’ not much entertainment” said the god of masturbation
“Uh does anyone else know how this guy became a god” said the koala thing
“Oh well that’s a long story” said the god of masturbation “but right no there is more important matters to attend , somebody’s gotta stop him”
And then in a heroic way jay leno swung open the doors of the god’s and shouted out
“I WILL” with a tennis racket in his hand
“It’s simple all we have to do is hit all the dynamite he is going to shoot on the mountain, up in to the sky” he said
The gods crowded into a huddle and discussed for several minutes
“Well I never liked the guy to much anyway let’s just let him go, and if he dies well he dies” said the god of masturbation. Everyone seemed to agree.
“All right Jay Lenno your wish shall be granted, but in order to have you stand a chance you shall need wings and theses two magical bohemian zucchinis of awesome ness.” Said the almighty god of the sheep patters. With those last words jay leno faded out of the god’s room and reappeared flying on top of the mountain.
“Oh ha ha you gave me pink wings how funny you god damn BASTARDs” said jay Lenno waving his middle finger around. The two zucchinis suddenly started to grow over the racket creating a zucchini racket OF DOOOOM.
“Now this will be entertaining” agreed the gods
Chapter ??? ( I don’t like having chapters)
Thu sun set down below the mountains. You could only see red beams of light slightly shooting over the mountain tops. It made jay leno look like he was going to kick some hardcore ass.
“there (breathing noise cuhhhh huuu) is some thing I must tell you cuuuuh huuuuuh, Mr. ander… I mean Mr. Faxi, cuuuuhh huuuuuuh, I am your forty fifth cousin.” Said jay leno.
“Well more reason to kill you” said Mr. Faxi as he launched the first stick of dynamite. It soared through the air aimed at jay’s crotch. With a twist in his wrist jay turned the racket and defused the dynamite stick.
“Well that does it” said Mr. Faxi as he walked to his car. He opened the trunk and pulled out a chain gun loaded with dynamite.
“Muahaha Jay leno dodge this” said Mr. Faxi
“With pleasure” Jay leno was never good with come backs. He crouched down and his wings started flapping.
Thousands of dynamite sticks flew out the chain gun. It was to much for Jay. He blocked as many as he could but they would never stop coming.
A loud crash emitted from the mountain one of the sticks had found its mark. A large avalanche came down taking jay leno down with it.
“I’ll be back Mr. Faxi, I’LL BE BA…” were his last words.
“I told you we shouldn’t have trusted that big chinned man” said the almighty god of the sheep patters.
Mr. Faxi went back into his car to find Opportunity sitting their.
“Well Mr. Faxi you have amazed us all” said opportunity, “Your potential is great”
“potential for what”
“you Know… um stuff”
“your just trying to sound intelligent aren’t you”
“perhaps or perhaps not.”
“Uh hu… so where’s my prize”
“Greedy are we, well if you recall our conversation back at the house I mentioned several challenges not one. Your next challenge will take place in bohemia. There you will be greeted by a man named Gutlapa, he will explain everything, and your future.”
“Bohemia, wow I always wanted to go there.”
Mr.Faxi Traveled long hours and long days, by sea and by sky, to the mysterious land of Bohemia.
His plane landed in a most paculiar area. It had blue palm trees, purple elephants, flying hippos, and a BOHEMIAN MAN!!!
“hello” said the bohemian mann in a bohemian accent
“Um hi” Said mr.Faxi
“Hello” Said the bohemian man.
“So you’re supposed to tell me what to do inorder to win my pirze.”
“Hello” Said the bohemian man.
“And hello to you, so what am I supposed to do” Said mr.Faxi
“hello” Said the bohemian man.
Mr.faxi to self “I hate bohemians
“Hello” said the mann
“Okay only one way to do this” said Mr.Faxi while loosening his belt.
“Okay Mr.Bohemi I’m not going to stop showing you my ass until you tell me what I have to do”
“Ahhhh!!! Okay Okay just put that fax machine ass of yours away, I’ll tell you everything you want to know, I was paid by the gods not to tell you but to hell with it” Said the bohemian man.
“I’m glad we’ve reached an agreement” Said mr.Faxi
To be continued
By Vlado Ovtcharov
Writer’s personal belief : Reality is not good, reality sucks, and lastly, the sight of a fax machines ass is truly horrifying, so horrifying that you could just start spinning in circles yelling “The antichrist is here the antichrist is here ahhhhhhhhhh,” and make random dog noises at the same time