I have a pretty good grasp of reality. The only thing holding me back is wrong conditioning of my brain and the lack of any dependable frame work whatsoever that might keep me upright when I struggle and lose momentum towards my goal.
It almost feels like you are considering suicide…
Believe me, if I was capable of killing myself the conventional way, I’d be long gone. I long for oblivion. It’s seemingly the only way to find peace on my own. What I can do, because not doing anything is easy, is not tending to my increasing health issues. And it seems like the point of no return has wooshed by the previous year. Which means I will not suffer another decade.
My family is mostly dead and after asking for support or team work a dozen times, no friends or relatives have a right to my person. People who deserve consideration regarding my life are not people who are content watching me die. Especially if I have offered a win win situation.
Sure, there’s welfare. After four years of that, I feel like a complete failure. And my bank account tells me that I am. My life has become pointless long ago. A race horse that doesn’t see the track is not a happy camper. The last Suzanne award was 2005, it was a more than mediocre piece of work. 4 half days due to a deadline.
I react badly to uncertainty. More than ever. And every project I plan basically produces plenty of that until it produces positive feedback called income. Before you consider to lecture me again, yes, that’s pretty much inevitable. Point is, my brain is too weak by now to handle that. My threshold should be higher. It isn’t. Not in this social vaccuum of mine.
So my rational brain knows the way, has the solutions and my emotional brain overrules after a while. It’s like drinking cat piss. It adds up. When the project comes to a halt, my emotional brain files it as another dead end and my rational brain has no way of regaining speed.
“Remember that if you’re feeling depressed, you’re not in the right mindset to make accurate self-assessments at this point.”
I am not depressed. I do not suffer from depression. I lack the identification with feeling miserable. I stopped that stupid shit when I was about 25 when I lost the most important person of my life due to feeling bad. Yes, I have reasons to believe my situation to be hopeless, What can I say, not feeling my toes because the melting snow gets through the numerous holes in my shoes is just one consequence of perpetual poverty that makes life unbearable long term.
Living on welfare is not cool, and not good, it’s humiliating and degrading. Every time you spend something, it feels undeserving. Every time you buy food you feel inhibited and unfree. It’s emasculating. If your identity needs you to stand on your own two feet and create living like a parasite is less humane than a shotgun to the head. Don’t generalize that. I speak about me, not everybody.
The solution would be a r-e-a-l friend or a team partner who decides on the following premise: “After scrutinizing your projects thoroughly and finding that they promise financial return, I’ve decided that we’ll make you do what you actually want to do, whether you want it or not”.
Which translates to “creating an environment where uncertainty is not the strongest force anymore”. I have mostly given up on finding somebody like that. Every conversation that ends nowhere makes it harder to even consider talking to people. It feels bad typing in here, knowing that it’s very likely not changing anything.
It’s one thing to know the obvious, it’s another thing to actually get the obvious and act on what you know can be done to get your life turned around.
“Getting sth” is a very loose term. And as far as I know, 36 years of anchoring are not easily undone. I do think it can be possible to do that in a short time, but Milton Erickson is dead and reaching Tony Robbins needs more perseverence than finishing the smaller half of my projects. Change can happen in a heart beat. I just don’t count on that happening for me.
I really have no reason to believe my perseverence or my discipline is holding up to any larger work under the current circumstances. And there’s zero indication my situation might improve. On the contrary. My esophagus and lymph nodes tell me otherwise. I just have to consider moving towards my goals and I start feeling uncertain.
Freelancing is out of the question. Why? For a guy with no respectable portfolio (just a shitload of knowledge), it’s pocket money and I will not run the risk of letting a client down. What happens is this: it’s a pain to find a client in the first place, the money will be spent (in a way) before the job is finished and the problems might even prevent me from finishing. Simply because after a task takes a bit too long it’s more a burdon than a solution. Also, freelancing provides zero certainty towards the future. Hunting for people to hire me is uncertainty incarnate.
Just think of it that way: if I am fit for ANY kind of work, I can just as well do the work that saves me financially in the little time I have left.
God, this is too much text. It’s almost ironic that I might come across as an attention whore when I actually loathe blabla that has no result. Pity is amazingly worthless to me regardles whether it’s my own or other’s.
P.S.: explanation != self pity
P.P.S.: != means ‘not equal’
