The Witch's House


(jackblack) #1

Ok here we go, here’s a short story I’m writing called The Witch’s House. Just in case your wondering, this does have a “Chrisitan adgenda” to it. Sorta like the Frank E. Perretti books.
It’s not finnished either and I stop writing sorta where the point of interest starts. I think it could be a good movie, thats my ultimate goal, to create a movie, not just a short story, but this helps me get it out and remember things better
So here is is, let me know what you think.
Thanks,
Jimmy.

…::The Witch House::…

The community at Lake Arrowhead, Tx is a simple, quite one, but things are about to get complicated.

Head lights in the distance peak over the hill of a road as a bunch of mischievious teenagers drive they’re truck down an old dusty road.
A guy named Jerry stands up and shouts “Hey guy’s check it out!” he stands up in the back of the moving truck.
The driver, Chris sees him and swerves.
Jerry says “Whoa Chris! That aint funny man!”
Chris shouts out the window “Yeah I know, save your energy for when we get the The Witch House!”.
“Geez, what an idiot, he actually believes that old ghost story.” Jerry says to his friends riding with him in the back of the truck.
They drive past a few sparcely scattered, old, darkened, abbandoned buildings. They’re head lights cutting through a thick and chilling fog. With only a new moon it is black and unnerving, not a sound of any animal or insect can be heard, the air is, dead. They pull up to a gate and sign that reads “Christian Town Cemetary”.
Jerry ask’s “Hey Chris?”
“Yeah?”
“Uh, I don’t see a witch, a witches house or a house at all dude.”
Chris replies “Yeah, um thats because it’s through the grave yard, like on the other side of it. About a quater of a mile is what the website said.”
“Ok well I still don’t see… Oh my god!” In Jerry’s midsentance the fog parts and the headlights catch a faint, but eiry image of a two story abbandon house just past the cemetary.
“Ok so lets do this thing.” say’s Jerry.

They open the gate and make they’re way through the cemetary.
“I sure hope there’s a twelve pack in that house.” Jerry say’s jokingly.
They continue they’re walk through the graveyard, shadows of dead trees and tomb stones creep along they’re path as the faint light from they’re flashlights shed light on the path to the house.
“I read that this was once a very strict Christian town and there was an old woman who lived behind the graveyard, she was a witch it say’s, the towns people suspected her of it, but she never admited to it. So one day the church that was right next to it burnt to the ground and the preacher told the towns poeple to find her and burn her to death, so the towns people came to her house and bang down the door, they said the saw her sitting on the floor with a circle of blood around her and she was holding the head of a goat in her hands. They shot her and lit her house on fire, but she wasn’t dead yet, she ran out the house on fire screaming, By the last drop of blood from my viens, By the last breath of my lungs, I curse you!”
Jerry asks “So what happened to all the towns people?”
“Well a plague over came the town and everyone became sick, since they believed medicine was of the devil, they all died painful, slow, deaths.”

All the sudden a blood curtling scream comes from behind one of the tombstones, Jerry and his friends scream and start to run in the opposite direction, but a figure in a black cloak moves out from behind the tombstone in front of them. Jerry starts to take a swing at it.
The cloaked figure shouts “Whoa Jerry, wait! It’s me Amy, you know, your girlfriend!”
“Amy! You scared the crap outa me, I love you!”
“I love you too scardy cat.” Amy replies.
“Hey Shawna, great work with that scream.”
“Thanks, Jerry.” Shwana replies.
“Whew boy, I tell ya, Jimmy sure would of had a fit if he were out here with us. Probably would have been speakin in toungues, sayin somthin like Shaba-laba-laba or somthin, eh Jerry?”
“Jimmy may be a party pooper and believe in some stupid stuff, but he at least feels good about where he’s going when he dies, I don’t believe that crap about God and stuff.” Jerry replies.
“Yeah, he’ll loosen up and start livin’ it with us once he gets laid, if any girl would be brave enough to do that.” Chris laughs.
“So I dare you to spend 5 minutes in that house Jerry.”
“Make it 10.” Jerry says.
“Ok, 10 it is”.
Jerry makes his way up the steps to the looming darkened house.


(jackblack) #2

No replies? I would very much like to hear what anyone has to say.


(NQE1) #3

I’m afraid I can’t even read this.

bunch of mischievious teenagers

Not in the least bit descriptive.

drive they’re truck

That would be read “drive they are truck”.

down an old dusty road.

What makes it old? How dusty is it?

A guy named Jerry

Listen to that. A “guy” and then you just tell us what his name is?

“Hey guy’s check it out!”

Again, that would read “Hey guy is check it out!”

Learn some grammar and read some. Sorry to be harsh but it sounds like you are writing to 6 year olds. Show, don’t tell. I’d read more but I don’t like where this is going. Nothing is happening. There is no character, just people saying things (literally.)

Not to parade myself, but here’s a sample from my short story that I posted awhile back:

Richmond’s hand appeared by my face. I was caught off guard at first, but then grasped his hand weakly. “I suppose I should more formally introduce myself,” Richmond said, shaking with his warm, large, fatherly hands. “Doctor Isaac Richmond.”

I paused for a moment. “Tom. Thomas Paulson.”

“Tom,” he said with a kindly grin.

Richmond reached for the window blinds behind his desk. He slowly pulled them opening, letting the penetrating light break into the room. “Sunlight.” Richmond returned to his squeaky chair and let out a contented sigh. “Good for the mind. And the soul.”

I would guess that he was in his late fifties or early sixties by his wrinkled forehead and salt-and-pepper hair. His wide chin was roughly whiskered, and thinly-rimmed glasses rested low on his nose, seemingly at the point of falling off but somehow staying on by some mysterious force. “Now, let’s get to the meat of it. In your letter,” he said, removing a folded piece of paper from his desk drawer, “you said some astounding things about yourself. Are you claiming psychic ability?”

I shuddered at those words. I claimed nothing. I stated what I was experiencing and was only seeking answers. “I don’t think I’m psychic,” I muttered, a little perturbed.

“But clearly you see the future, do you not?” he said calmly with raised eyebrows.

I took a deep breath. The few times I had tried to explain this before had made me sound like a lunatic. “Okay,” I finally said, “I remember things. It’s like a feeling of déjà vu. All the time. But sometimes I remember things before they happen.”

“In what way?” Richmond said with sincere interest.

Other stuff needs to happen. Not just “He said, then he said, then they went there.”


(shbaz) #4

It’s great that you’re so confident as to be condescending, but your work isn’t the best either (grammatically or otherwise). Why don’t you quote one of your favorite professional authors instead?

I agree that your grammar needs a lot of work though Jimmy. If you don’t have MS Word, download OpenOffice.org. It has a spelling/grammar checker too, and best of all, it’s free. Keep your present/past tense straight.

It reminds me of cheesy R.L. Stine novels I used to read in Junior high. I guess that could be important or not depending on who you’re trying to convert with fiction. Personally it looks to me like an escape novel that people might read for entertainment rather than something literary that would actually make people sit back and think.


(Ongnissim) #5

I agree that the grammar and vagueness of this lacks taste (rude, but true, in a way). The story, as far as I know, seems well planned, which can sometimes lead to a sense of “Wanting To Get To A Certain Part”-ness that make the writer type through it quickly, because he himself wants to see what happens. I know its weird sounding, but its a sad fact of the creative world. There are always slow parts, and small descriptions that don’t by themselves lead to any interest in the reader, but, over time, can create a deepining and fulfilling experience in the book/shot story. I myself have written some things, and have gone through quickly, to get to the parts that I wanted to write the most, but over time I have come to realize that a story is only to its true potential if everything you write is as intriguing and well thought out as the climax. Also, don’t forget to read, and re-read parts throughout, to get a sense of which direction the story is heading. Your story lacks detail, and frankly, if anything more were to happen, in this same style of writing, I would quickly loose interest. You have to keep asking yourself, throughout, “What is the reader thinking…” so that you can build on all the different aspects of a story in ways to scew or shape the readers view, and not to just tell what is supposed to happen, from your “all-knowing” view as author. You want the reader to go on a journey, and ultimately end up with a sense of wonder as great as that what you had when you envisioned it for the first time, begining to end. Most of all, make it as good as something you would read, so at least it is up to your own, personal standards…

Hold on Tight,
Ongnissim

P.S. Keep writting, and keep in mind that some of the greatest books/stories of all time went through many revisions, and even re-writes to get them to the classics they are today.

(On a side note: My favorite Authors are: Michael Crichton, Stephen King, and [lol] J.K. Rowling. Sure there are others, but those are the ones with the stories that will stick with me forever [Except the ending of Andromeda Strain, not that great Crichton…])

EDIT: I also wanted to add that in the event that this is more like a storyboard in word-form, then it is okay to not be as descriptive, leaving all of the dark/gloomy elements to be inferred and captured in the imaginations of the artists/director(s) of the short film. Also, I too use OpenOffice.Org, and find it better IMHO ti Microsoft Office (Mainly b/c of the price tag, and the fact that I use Linux 8) ).


(jackblack) #6

Thankyou all for your input and critiquing. Just to let ya’ll know I’m very dislexic and have a hard time spelling, I gues what you can say is I have hear a rough draft? I’ve never written a story before, so I’m a little new, I didn’t do too good in english in school as well. As I was writting this I too felt that it wasn’t very desscriptive, I only spent about 30 minutes writing it, I had an idea and I din’t have a begining to what I was thinking of.
NQE1. I appreciate the pointing out of the mistakes and your posting of the story you wrote (I suppose you wrote it?).
shbaz. Thanks for letting me know about OpenOffice. I’ll check it out.
Ongnissim. You hit the nail on head, everythig you said is what I felt did and thought for the mos part.
Thanks once agian poeples, I’ll rewrite it for it to be a bit more descriptive and make sure the grammar is correct.
~Jimmy~


(dante) #7

Not to parade myself, but here’s a sample from my short story that I posted awhile back:

Not to be a jerk, but you suck. :wink:

(Only joking)


(NQE1) #8

It’s great that you’re so confident as to be condescending, but your work isn’t the best either (grammatically or otherwise). Why don’t you quote one of your favorite professional authors instead?

I didn’t intend to be condescending. I was merely repeating the almost exact words of my Creative Writing teacher that I once had. And no, mine isn’t the best, but I couldn’t very well quote another author considering a) it is copyrighted and b) I would have to look up the text online. Of course both can be worked around, but I was in a hurry so my own writing was the most obvious example, no? P.S. Can you offer some hints on what was grammatically wrong? Here’s the original posting of it, if you’d like to read it.

http://www.elysiun.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=43302&highlight=

Not to be a jerk, but you suck.

Occasionally. :wink:

jackblack, knowing that you have dyslexia (who’s the jerk that made dyslexia so weird to spell? :wink: ) I can greater respect your efforts. I would suggest a combination or reading some good books and making a conscious effort to observe how they write and finding books about writing fiction.

You might try reading stuff like this:

http://teenwriting.about.com/od/characters/
http://teenwriting.about.com/od/pointofviewandvoice/
http://teenwriting.about.com/od/dialogue/
http://teenwriting.about.com/od/writingfiction/

These aren’t all articles by the same people, just a collection of useful articles. Try it out and get back to us.

Sorry again if I was a little harsh. I was in a hurry so didn’t bother to dance around formalities.