Ok, I’ll use the first page to highlight what I mean.
500 years ago, the United States and Neo-Korea were involved in a political conflict that quickly got ugly with a missiles cold war. Then Korea launched a nuclear bomb at Los Angeles.
missiles cold war: A cold war is one which is fought without direct military conflict, as opposed to a hot war, which is fought with actual weapons between the nations involved. So, are they fighting or not. What are they fighting about?
launched a nuclear bomb: A bomb is dropped from a plane, hence you would launch a nuclear missile.
Also, simply the premise of what’s going on. Why are they really fighting. A conflict that leads to the annihilation of the majority of the planet should have some concrete reason…
America retaliated and threw its own bombs back, taking out most of Korea. Next Iran stepped in the mix and started working together with the Neo-Soviet Union to destroy the United States.
threw its own bombs back: badly worded, and does not illustrate the seriousness of bombing another nation (and killing most of a nation’s population)
As to Iran and the Neo Soviet-Union ‘stepping into the mix’. Why do they do this? What about Europe the rest of the world. There’s no story here. No real Drama.
Before long, major cities were destroyed, civilization descended into chaos, and the fallout went on for years.
the fallout went on for years: fallout, by nature, endures for a long time. It would be better to sat something like ‘in the aftermath of the senseless war, the Earth endured a decade of harsh nuclear winter’.
Anyway, that’s just a couple of points. You did ask for tips, and while I can’t give artistic ones (the art work is pretty good as far as comics go), I can say that in general your writing is just not very good. I’m not trying to be mean, just honest. There are many successful comic artists on the web who do not write their own material, but rather team up with a friend, who will help them with the structure of the story, as well as the writing, while they can focus on making the art to go with the story.
Reading your intro doesn’t make me want to follow the comic, which is the worst thing for a comic artist. You need people to want to continue reading your comic.
Before you jump headlong into actually making the strip, you should work on the story. Brainstorm with other people, bounce ideas of them. Create a draft of the first 10 strips. Edit them, improve the writing. Etc.
Anyway, I have experience with editing, and I’ll be glad to help you reword and refine your writing if you want me to. I won’t just criticise your work and leave you hanging.
I’m guessing I’m still a month away from posting anything (got to make character ref sheets and make some pages ahead), and I’m freaked out by what people might think about it.
