Today I payed a little visit to the psychiatrist, and tonight I start my meds for the first time after 10+ years of dealing with this. I must admit that I’m a little afraid of what the world is going to be like, but then again it’s kind’ve exciting. After all the struggles and close encounters with suicide and madness, I’m very optimistic that my life may change for the better. Over the last couple weeks, I’ve read a few books on manic-depression and have realized that this is not a fight that will be over quickly. It is something that I am going to have to be persistant in and not give up. And no-matter what, I must not quit taking the pills. The manias can often come back quicker and more violent, and often result in suicide or at least attempts. I really don’t want to be tingly one day and see my body going towards the light and think… “why oh why didn’t I take the blue pill?” And not kidding, the pills really are blue 8)
I’m glad you realize this will be a life long treatment.
(hehe, and yes I know the pills are blue, my son and my husband both take them, by the way they also come in purple and pink)
Hang in there acasto, it will get better, trust me.
Those thoughts exactly is why this has a 20% untreated suicide rate. It is basically an electical storm in your brain, it is very very physical. It is an implance in the chemicals that make your brain cells communicate. No matter how strong you are mentally, or how good your therapist is, if it is bad, it will get you. Untreated it only gets stronger over time. The meds simply regulate it, not stop it. It naturally gets worse without meds. When I said I was doing okay without them all this time, I meant I was surviving. Going through everyday of life just surviving is not very fun. I found out that they told my parents I was very lucky, with this type of it, to have even made it this far. That is what kept me out of the hospital today, because I do have a strong will. But in the end, without help from medication, it’s not strong enough.
I will try and explain another day why you can not fight it no matter what you do. One point though would be that the physical problem in the brain, can cause things like psychosis, which in itself is dangerous. So more than just the illness, the products of the illness is bad. I’m working on stories that I would like to one day put into a book. But there is something I wrote that brings a little understanding to the nature of the type of self-destruction it causes.
“For so many years, it was me versus the world, the world versus me.
Pinned in a fight that I knew I was going to win. Nothing could stop me.
Except when you realize that there is no fight,
and it is only you versus you.”
my wife’s mother has this disease… and it really can be a pain when she is not using the medicines, or they are trying something new… when she is down, she is really down and we have to go there and clean up the place and check the dog since she doesnt get anything done, and still she is just insulting us all… but when she is up, the is really up, buying new cars and appartments, divorcing her husband because he is boring…
but… recently, the medicines have been working, her life is pretty normal… so… normally I’m against medicines, taking something for every little ache… but in this case, I must say, they are good.
so, I feel for you acasto… hope they will work. and I guess, some people can even get totally “well”… shake the damn disease…
.b
acasto, my husband is severly manic depressive and he takes the pills. And we live a fairly normal healthy life because of it.
My ex-husband has mood disorders and refused to take any meds the entire time we were married (10+ years). Now my kids and I have a great deal of “issues” to resolve from living with him.
Let me tell you as some one who has lived with these types of disorders, the pills are necessary, they do help. Not only for you, but for the people you love and spend time with you.
This is not a weakness thing and taking the pills are not the easy way out. It takes alot of courage to face up to what you have and to not only get treatment, but to stay on it.
I wish you the best of luck.
No I’m not. That sentence dosn’t make any sense.
You don’t know that. Just as everything thing else you have said, it is merely something you are sayign because it is going against what you believe. Because you lack the experience and knowledge to back it up, you just don’t want the explanations to begin with.
You don’t even know me or from what you say, the nature of the illness.
Hehe… you’d take them. It’s always so easy to speak on a subject when you don’t know anything about it, either book type knowledge, or personal experience.
But you can’t enter such a strong and potentially deadly opinon and suggestions and not expect people to think so. Especially when you don’t supply one bit of knowledge, proof, credentials, or personal experience to give anyone a reason to listen otherwise. You may have all the knowledge in the world on the subject, you may have personal experiecne yourself, but judging from how easy you think it is to fight it, I highly doubt it.
They don’t make you mentally healthy, they simply regulate it so that you can control it.
Not these. You don’t even know what I’m taking. And if I told you, you would probably have no idea what they were, let alone what and how they did what they do.
You don’t even know what loss if any there is.
Obviously neither do you.
I thought the same way once. I even threatened to kill anyone and any doctor who tried to give me any medication. The illness does not want to be treated, that is why you hate medication so much. It like being high. No one can reason with you, no matter how many facts or opinions they show to you, because it is your gadiosity and the ‘high’ that is feeding your dislike.
BTW… what I am saying is not wrong. It is the facts and opnions of professionals and many many people with the illness. However, what you are saying is merely based on your opinion, which is manipulated by the illness.
The bad thing is, is that I know no one can convince you otherwise. The illness makes almost two sides, one that is good, and one that is bad. Did you know that it can go into remission? Did you also know that it can come back at any time stronger than before? And with your mom, did you know that there is several types of manic-depressive in which serveral combinations of medication can be used in which some or none may work?
Hopefully you will stay good forever, but if not… well, you’ll see.
When i was on medication i still wanted to kill myself.
your friend,
Suicidal Failure
Blengine, you sound like the guy who shouts “Cold Turkey” at a relative in my family when they get nicotine patchs. Not very nice at all.
Blengine, I understand what you are saying. I enjoy the dynamic also, it is what makes us different. I was so scared that the vision and music would also fade (I’m sure you know what I’m saying 
). Sometimes, when I think about the beauty and sadness that I have seen, I fear what it would be like without it. The reason I decided to get medications, is not because I can not handle it, but because I can’t handle the psychosis. It is also causing something much like epilepsy, where I will ‘space’ out for long periods of time and not know what is going on. This is not bad, unless you are driving. The medication is not so that I can give up, but so that I can keep on fighting. When you are psychotic, it dosn’t matter how strong you are. Also, when psychotic, not only are you a danger to yourself, but those around you. When it comes to possibly hurting myself, I can live with that. But when it gets to where I could hurt someone innocent, whether intentially, or though something like spacing out while driving, then I must do something.
Your convictions are so strong I would believe because you have been successful in keeping control. But you must believe me when I say there is a point people can reach in which they can’t control. When you wake up the next day, and have no idea what you did the day before. When you remember someone doing something, or remember a family vaction, and find out that it never happened.
I have told myself that I would not take any medication in which limited the neural transmissions in my brain, or stopped me from physically using neuronal pathways. The stuff I am on now simply increases the level of GABA in the membranes so that it will even out with the imbalanced neurotransmitter. Something like a strong anti-psychoitc will bind and block the recptors for the dopamine, this is a physical inhibition, which I know you don’t, and I don’t like. This stuff I’m trying now, lets you have all the ‘horsepower’ that you have before, but prevents the ‘storms’ by compensating the balance with what should be there. Also, out of the other alternatives, it is a very natural drug.
If you have any problems, and don’t want to take man-made medication, try looking into fish oil supplements. It is really just fatty acids from fish, nothing ‘medicine’ about it. This really helped my mood swings, and still does. It just wouldn’t do anything for the psychosis. The only reason it is in a gel-cap, is so you don’t have to eat fish everyday, because that might get a little old after a while. But it really does work.
Oh well… that’s the last thing we need is a bunch of manic-depressives fighting in the forum. It wouldn’t turn out to well I reckon 
We have a tendancy to get opinionated and very very into the argument.
imgranpaboy please, listen to me… manic depression is not a psychological problem… It has nothing to do with one’s psychology!!! Therefore you can not win this with a figh only on the “personality” or “character” level!!! It’s like cancer!!! It has specific natural dimensions!!! It has “flesh” and “blood”!!! You can’t win over cancer (if there are such chances…), with out chemotherapy and neither you can find cure from manic depression with just faith and strong character…
Your asthma, migranes… etc, there are pretty good chances that they were only the physical “visualization” of manic depression on your body level… That’s why you got over them (?) that “easy”!!! If you can understand what I mean!!!
I once had a patient who in his delirium, believed that he had prostate cancer!!! And that all the doctors were telling him lies and wouldn’t tell him the “truth”!!! He was actually experiencing the pain (at least he thought so…), only he was perfectly healthy!!! I did a bone scan on him and everything was normal… (no metastasis…) His PSA and all the rest of his examinations were better than normal!!! We understood that he had manic depression, only in a very advanced “stage”!!! We tried to help him and instead he threatened us that he would kill us all and burn our houses, because we were not telling him what he was expecting from us to hear (that he had “cancer”)!!!
Please take my word… Those pills are not going to harm you… No one wants to harm you… Perhaps they have some side effects (as all medicines have and certainly the newest one’s have the least sideffects possible…) but they definetely don’t alter you… It’s the “monster” inside you that gets altered by them and it doesn’t like it… Therefore it doesn’t allow you to seek for help…
This stuff I’m trying now, lets you have all the ‘horsepower’ that you have before, but prevents the ‘storms’ by compensating the balance with what should be there. Also, out of the other alternatives, it is a very natural drug.
acasto is right and you should listen to him…
Believe me I do not wish to argue or have any quarrell with you or anyone else here… I want to help… And I sure wish that I am wrong and that you’ll be around to laugh at me (this would bring me real joy believe me…)… But I’m afraid I’m right…
Please… seek for help… Don’t give this fight alone!!!
Always here…
Spyros.
Skontar… your in the medical field? I wouldn’t have guessed
Well, I am not a doctor, but working for the last 15 years in health service area, I think it gives me the right to say, that I know a few things…
Be strong guys… fight it… make me proud of you…
Spyros.
[quote]
It’s the “monster” inside you that gets altered by them and it doesn’t like it… Therefore it doesn’t allow you to seek for help…
i like that monster… i named him bubbles
[/quote]
Mine’s is Spyros. He is really evil!!! He wants to hurt everybody!!! It’s like a voice saying: “brake this…” or “he’s an @sshole… bust his teeth…”, or “hurt your children…”!!! He always has this terrible “explosions” of anger!!!
So I had to search back in the old days of innocense… and bring Mr skontar back to life!!! He is a real pro!!! He beats the crap out of Spyros. Now things work pretty good for me!!!
But I don’t think this has to do with manic depression. If it were I’d knew it cause I can recognise the symptoms… It’s just a combinationof stress and a bit of my Mediterranian temper (I hope… :-? ).
If I ever find out that I have it… I’ll definetely seek for a professional help!!! Cause in my humble opinion, giving the fights on your own and refuse other people’s help, is not a brave thing…
The bravest thing is to accept your problems and reach out for help… Refusing help is just like hidding from the world!!!
I wish you guys the best!!! And if you ever feel like you need some talking… well, you know where to find me!!!
Spyros (the good one not the evil… 
)
well, for what its worth i wish you all the best acasto,
the futures bright, just make it happen
cheers
Piran
Glad to hear you’re coming to grips with your condition. My cousin has a similar problem, he’s fine as long as he takes his meds, but when he doesn’t, watch out (he’s 6’7" tall and very violent when off his meds).
I think I know you, you use to ride on route 431 at Finger Lake Elementary school, now you ride route 422. You’re the one that makes the teachers smile and walk lighter… when we pull up and say “he didn’t ride today”. Get help, you’ll feel better about your self for having done so.
We should start a manic-depressive anonymous online art gallery, where people with this condition would send in art and/or music and/or writings that express their feelings and emotions, then just explain what state the inspiration of the work came from, such as mania, or depression, and why they made what they did. Kay Jamison did something much like this with music and manic-depressive composers. She is a psychiatrist, but the interesting thing is, is that she also suffers from severe manic-depressive.
I think that most normal people don’t and can’t see some of the things we’ve seen in our minds. For some of the things, they are lucky, for such evil no-one should have to be tortured by. But on the other side, they are missing out on the beauty and understanding that many of us get to see as well. Throughout history, people have tried to express these feeling and ‘visions’ through things such as art and music and poetry.
It would be interesting to have a ‘Gallery of Moods and Madness’ where we could try and give the average person a glimpse into the chaos that is our world.
I’m trying to think of what I would do. Because of the complexity of some the feeling I want to convey, I’m thinking about doing images 2D & 3D along with poetry or just written ‘thoughts’ to help express them.
Today went pretty well. The meds have really worn me out, they said they’d do that the first few days. But today I wasn’t as tired as I was yesterday, so I can notice an improvement. I’m also going to work my way off these anti-psychotics, the doctor said I probably could once the regulators started taking affect (which by the way, I learned work almost exactly like the fish oil, except I don’t have to take a dozen of them a day ). These anti-psychotics have just about completely locked me down emotionally. If I want to say something mean to someone, I have to call a friend and have them come up with something mean for me to say. Although I do feel happy, it’s just seemed that I’ve lost my evilness, I’m now only semi-evil, a Diet Coke of evil. But once I can get off them, it will be good. Even if I don’t take the anti-psychotics, and I freak out, they gave me a bottle of Xanax that they said would fix it if something came up.
I did notice one thing though today. Everytime prior to now, that I would see my ex-girlfriend, I would hate her, or feel completely disassociated from her. But today I saw her, and we walked about the mall for a bit, and I felt completely strange. I didn’t hate her, I didn’t want to kill her, but I think I missed her. I just felt like giving her a hug, and telling her how sorry I was for all the things I’ve put her through in the past. And when I looked into her eyes, I saw that there was more to it. That a relationship is not two-dimensional, but does indeed have many dimensions. I still am just starting to experience a change. Even though I don’t know exactly what I felt today, and why I felt like that, it was good, even if it did make my heart ache. I feel like I could write quite a bit of poetry or thoughts write now, because today was the first in a while, in that I think I actually truly felt.
It lightens me to hear that your getting better acasto
(me laughs at Diet Coke of Evil gag :D)
It seems that your on your way to understanding that what we “touch, smell, see and hear is less than one-millionth of reality”. (I dont remember where i learnt that from :-? )
As for the whole meds Vs human spirit…I wouldnt touch that with a forty foot pole. Theres too much we dont understand about ourselves, let alone each other. Why dont we leave that up to spiritual leaders, theologans (?) and scientists to debate upon.
Strength and best wishes to both of you (and anyone else on these forums facing similar challenges).
I have a good friend who I lived with the year they discovered their illness, it saddens me to recall I really had no idea what was going on or what they were going through,but they got help and stuck too medication and now are pretty well fine.
On the flipside I have a relative who has gone steadily down hill for years and hates doctors and is in denile. One problem is that she does not recognise her illness.
I understand you both have different ways of dealling and it is cool/amazing that you (imgranpaboy) know what you are facing and how to fight it on your own. It is not the path I would recomend, but what would I know? and if it works for you that has gotta be powerful.
All the best LB (me, I takes all the help I can get)