I’ve never really written a story here, but here’s what I have so far on one that I’m writing:
The EXTREMELY Unlucky Man
Once, there was a man named Bill Smith. He was a normal person, except for one thing - he had HORRIBLE luck. Not just occasional bad luck, but hyperactive. Here is a typical day in his life:
Time - 7:45 AM
Bill’s alarm blasts so loud he is woken from sleep deeper than the state required to sleepwalk. He realizes that he must have rubbed against the volume dial while going to bed the night before. He also realizes that he must have rubbed against the tuner dial, because the cheap clock radio is blasting a torrent of static. He leaps out of bed, only landing on his skateboard. He rockets toward the wall, and jumps off at the last moment…onto a flattened cardboard box at the top of the stairs. He instantly slides down at an incredible speed, smashing through a big glass pane he bought due to another common smashed window.
Picking bits of glass off his nightclothes, he sweeps it all up while tripping and cutting himself a few times. Accidently pouring it next to the garbage can, he gives up and runs upstairs to try and turn off the radio. He skids into the room, but skidding on hardwood floors with socks on usually results in high speeds. Knocking over a glass lamp, he manages to block it with his face before it hits the floor. Good thing it was the softest part, because if it hit his forehead he would’ve been covered in more broken glass. The neck is the softest part, right?
Well anyways, he manages to tilt it back into position. Then he resumes his “clock-turning-off” routine. He rushes over to it. While trying to turn it off, it falls behind his dresser. Frantic, he tries unsuccessfully to move it, but of course it’s way too heavy. He gets a long rod from his curtains to press the button. The curtains fall down, but that doesn’t mater. He jabs at the dark space that the roaring sound is coming from, but to no avail. He reaches with the rod to hit the lightswitch, but manages to knock over his lamp, smashing it to the floor. The rushes over and turns on the light, rushes back over, trips, and falls onto his dresser. The rod flies out of the window, and somehow smashes the glass of another window of his neighbor’s house. Desperate, he gets a baseball and throws it at the clock. Somehow, the clock stops. Good.
Walking out over the room, he trips over the clock’s electrical cord. Only then he realizes that he could’ve unplugged it the whole time. satisfied, he walks out the door only to be rewarded by stepping on his broken lamp’s glass. Ouch.
Time - 8:45 AM
Bill removes the last of the glass from his feet, and from the floor too. He walks over to his dresser, pulls out some clothes, and starts to change. After all his nightclothes are off, he thinks he hears something near the window. He sees walks over and sees the neighbor screaming and looking at the hole in his window. Billy wishes the neighbor did not know him well, but news of what you do seems to spread quickly. The neighbor instantly looks up, and is not surprised that the man is in his underwear. He allmost feels pity for him. Almost. He screams; “WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR!? YOU THINK THROWING STICKS AT YOUR NEIGHBOR’S WINDOW IS FUNNY, EH!?”. The neighbor’s wife hears the commotion and walks out to see her husband screaming. She looks up at the so-called ‘Unlucky Bill’, and, same as her husband, is not surprised to see Bill in his underwear. Startled, Bill jumps back only to have his underwear catch on a broken bit of glass (that’s what the glass downstairs was for) and rip off.
Horrified, both neighbors quickly turn red and run into their house. Bill quickly tries to close the curtain, only to remember that the curtain came off when he took the rod out. Running away from the window, he quickly gets clothes on. Tripping on his way out on the cord again, he starts feeling hungry. No big deal, he thinks. What’s easier than making cold cereal?
Time - 9:15 AM
Bill manages to fall down the stairs not too badly, but he is still in pain when he stumbles to the cupboard. Pulling out a box of cereal, he sets it on the counter. Nothing bad so far. He gets a bowl out too, smashing only 2 rare plates. Sweeping then up and putting them in the garbage, he notices that he left a window open a crack. As he walks by the garbage can, he feels the pain of stepping on even more glass. 10 minutes later, we find him finally getting the last of the glass into the garbage. He finally walks over to the window and shuts it.
Walking back over to the cereal and bowl, he gets a spoon out of the drawer (only dropping it once). He walks over to the fridge, only to slip on a rag that he left there the last morning while cleaning up milk that he had spilled. Walking back with a box of low-fat gluten free low-carb chocolate flavored extra sweet chocolate rice milk (the only kind he had left). He walks over to the bowl, and accidently pours the rest in before pouring the cereal. He thinks to himself, “No big deal.” At least, that’s what he THINKS. When he pours in his chocolate chewy crunchy sugar frosted poffy puffs (with bits of marshmallow and sugar crystal), he finds 3 dead cockroaches in the box. Perfectly good milk ruined. Of course, he has no more milk.
Time - 9:45 AM
Bill decides to make a frozen breakfast burrito instead. Ok. The package has 2 burritos, and by now he’s really hungry, so he takes a fork to separate them. He manages to do it only jabbing himself in the wrist 3 times. He puts the burritos in the microwave for “3:00 (flip halfway through)”. Got it. He puts it in, but after a minute and a half he smells smoke. The fork is still in and the burritos are on fire!
And that’s where I stopped, at 12:45 AM last night. Forgive my spelling mistakes, as I was tired.
Can anyone help me get a better name than Bill?
And please post comments!