You guys like Poetry?

I decided to post this here because no-one on other forums is really giving helpful comments. I hear “Cool” or “It’s Good” or “Eh, could be better”. So, in a desperate attempt to get actual feedback and critiques, I will post here. I’ll start with song 1:

This is a very standard ‘modified’ Limerick style of writing (ABCCB). I call it:

Madman’s War

long hours a day, we’d work in the bay
fishing the sea ‘till the sea saw no more
payed by a chap
in a very tall cap
Waking the hours that dragged on the floor

‘Till a soldier appeared from the haze n’ fog
bantering over on a man and his war
wringing his hands
like he knew the plans
‘till he went insane and sank to the floor

He woke the next day, he woke with a fright
He left in the morning with a single warning
the disturbed will find you
it’s a single taboo
leaving the dust, in the wake of his warring

To our dismay, his augury was right
when we found his indicative war
they appeared to us
but i regress
I knew to leave before

I didn’t hear much about that day
found coming back years later
to see the destruction
on my own volition
to show: I was a traitor

If only my family could see me now
I had grown up quite a bit
I only regret
my fallen debt
to my friends who didn’t make it


What should be kept? What should be changed?

peace,
-nick

I like what you have come up with, this could be interpreted many ways, and becuase I am not familiar with the political scene this is linked, I cannot really understand it (no offense English is after all my second language). But I do feel the emotion in the writing if it helps.

Nick, I’d work on the rhythm. Your rhyming scheme seems consistent, but the number of syllables and stress pattern in the various lines of the stanzas varies from stanza to stanza. I’ve read thru it a couple of times and can’t feel a consistent rhythm. You may have done this, but try reading it out loud a few times and see how it feels.

I think it’s a good start. Hope this helps a bit.

Hmm… I can’t quite feel the rhythm either. The the last few words in each stanza seem to go from Floor-floor-warring-before-traitor-Make it. That is just an example of the inconsistency.

Alright, this should be better, I evened out the rythm and changed the rhyming up a bit. I labeled the amount of syllables in it, and some of the lines might have to be reworded because of the annoying phenomena that are long and interesting words:

long hours a day, we’d work in the bay (10)
fishing the sea ‘till the sea saw no more (10)
payed by a chap (4)
(in a) very tall cap (6)
Waking the hours that dragged on the floor (10)

a soldier appeared from the haze n’ fog (10)
bantering about a man and his war (10)
wringing his hands (4)
(like he) knew all the plans (6)
he then went insane and sank to the floor (10)

He woke the next day, he woke with a fright (10)
left in the morning with a forewarning (10)
they will find you (4)
(know this) single taboo (6)
stirring the dust; the wake of his warring (10)

To our dismay, his augury was right
when we found his cold indicative war
they soon reached us (4)
(but i) always regress (6)
I already knew to before (10)

I didn’t hear much about that dark day (10)
I decided to come back years later (10)
great destruction (4)
(of my) own volition (6)
to show that leaving proved me a traitor (10)

If only my family could see me now (10)
I had grown up allot in fourteen years (10)
I have regrets (4)
(for my) lamenting debts (6)
to the ones who died because of my fears (10)

Thank you for the actual critiques. :slight_smile:

peace,
-nick

Hey,
Nice poetry,but i have a few crits… First off after reading it,several times, I found it kinda hard to read cause of the stressed syllables…But I’m not one of the best speakers in the world,and my writing r kinda essay and story not poetry… But sometimes I’m seeing my self stress on saying certain words,but other than its kinda hard to read its fairly good. I also don’t mean to sound mean or anything just giving my two cents =)

-TC

Poetry is great for the mind. It’s when the mind of the poet, an event and the mind of the reader all resonate.

Nice poetry,but i have a few crits… First off after reading it,several times, I found it kinda hard to read cause of the stressed syllables…But I’m not one of the best speakers in the world,and my writing r kinda essay and story not poetry… But sometimes I’m seeing my self stress on saying certain words,but other than its kinda hard to read its fairly good. I also don’t mean to sound mean or anything just giving my two cents =)

no way man, that’s what I asked for. Are there any lines in particular that are excessivly hard to read?

Poetry is great for the mind. It’s when the mind of the poet, an event and the mind of the reader all resonate.

no lie right? I try to make sure my poetry is completely understandable and differant from other poetry. It often enough comes out to sound much like a nursery rhyme. For instance, this one sounds particularly nursery rhyme-like:

Wrong (Right)

If man’s morals are justified,
than how do we interpret our wrongs
if we can only think alongside
the lines of our replaceable songs

Wrong wouldn’t be wrong and wronging
someone else would be ethical
because we decide our prize ring
held up by our own simple morals

Why is there chaos when the definition is lost
Why is there chaos when the line is crossed
Why is there chaos when the rules are tossed
losing that line comes at a terrible cost

So if there is a defined law
that says “Murder is very Wrong”
written by one without flaw
How do we know he’s not wrong?

He might not do wrong to his
standard, but he might be wrong
by the 5th dimension which does
not approve with his right and wrong

In fact, his definition of
wrong could be wrong simply
by virtue of the fact thereof
that defining morals isn’t free

So, If I can’t demarcate right
why does it feel right to define
what is wrong? Why is there height
on the right walls of malign

Why is there chaos when the definition is lost
Why is there chaos when the line is crossed
Why is there chaos when the rules are tossed
losing that line comes at a terrible cost

peace,
-nick

I would have to say those are the hardest to read(for me anyways) I’ll look thoroughly at all of them later tonight or tomorrow = )

I have a Haiku!

Haikus can be weird (5)
They sometimes don’t make much sense (7)
Refrigerator(5)

I would have to say those are the hardest to read(for me anyways) I’ll look thoroughly at all of them later tonight or tomorrow = )

why thank you. :smiley:

Haikus can be weird (5)
They sometimes don’t make much sense (7)
Refrigerator(5)

no matter how many times I see that it always makes me laugh.

peace,
-nick

Hey,
Sorry didn’t mean to sound like i was real important or anything… Its just i like reading poetry,and i wanted to read it and help with any problems they may have… So again i’m sorry if i sounded like i was imporant in the world of poetry…
Well catch youns later!

-TC

Well, the classic form of limerick seems to rhyme more naturally, and is much more fun to read aloud with a strong European accent.

DividedSpleen23 makes one HUGE mistake: haiku’s have to be about nature and I don’t think a refrigerator is nature :confused:

This is how a Haiku has to be made:

Wind blows through the field.
A bunny is looking for
the sense of his life.

About younamehere’s poem: I like the repetitio, but you should have to make the sentences less the same, by adding stuff like litotes or chiasm or something. I’d write the last 4 sentences like this:

Why is there chaos when lost is law
Why is there chaos when lines are crossed
Why is there chaos by rules none saw
my life is chaos: a terrible cost

I suck when it’s about writing poems in enlish, but I hope it will help you.

Why is there chaos when lost is law
Why is there chaos when lines are crossed
Why is there chaos by rules none saw
my life is chaos: a terrible cost

your idea is alright
but, I think you’d agree
that wrong and right
are the subject, not me

I’ll try something quite new
if it bothers you so
you can’t construe
the poetry as my excessive low

Thank you for the input
I love when people crit
ideas afoot
your candor is legit

:slight_smile:

Well, the classic form of limerick seems to rhyme more naturally, and is much more fun to read aloud with a strong European accent.

I used the ABCCB form because it creates a little more dissonance. In short, I want it to match more with what I’m saying. The song itself makes much more sense when it’s put to music. My brother and I(more my brother) have written a nice little melody with the messian scale. It sounds quite nice actually. :slight_smile:

peace,
-nick

here is another one. It’s more of a song really–except it’s only verses right now. I’ll come up with a chorus soon though. :smiley:

I know this grounds been walked on
finden yourself is hard
My worth is already gone
singin’ songs like a drunken bard

Tryin’ to find new pockets
for me to stuff my hands
amid trinkets; a locket
with a picture of the sand

tried lookin’ under benches
I might be hiding there
among the tools and wrenches
awkardly, they stare

love was just too much for me
germs are not my friends
my acquaintances got married
4 kids and 7 hens

I turned to the sounds of nature
-I turned the machine down
it was just a damn noisemaker
made too much extra sound

Beat up ben at age 5’
he teased me just the same
fighting never kept me alive
it came off as too lame

If God is not my answer
on the table with which we dined
staring at a lantern
will leave your blue eyes blind

Clichés are very boring
and they into your skin
it’s the bug with which I’m warring
and I don’t think I can win

In the bustle I am sitting
could you call me out by name
at the table I am writing
could you write down all my shame

I’ll leave my life and blind lies
before it goes up in smoke
I’m nothing but a lord of highs
living in a comfy yoke

:slight_smile:

thanks for reading.

peace,
-nick

Here’s a fun one. This is in perfect rhythm; however, there’s a way to say it. The lines sort of bleed together and can sometimes switch to odd meters that might confuse you. It is in time; however. I call it:

Spring Fling with Mr. Mingus

Spring flings n’ things don’t interest me
while finding love in Ethnomusicology
tangos and jazz; complex Gavottes
antiphonies that hang around books a lot

7, 1, 5, and 3 are part of musicology
while birds and bees change their key
in the spring flings with Mr. Mingus
run, my friend, good time will save us

My time is not well planned, I admit
between modes and women with well placed writ
no other will you find counting intervals
for music played in famous shopping malls

7, 1, 5, and 3 are part of musicology
while birds and bees change their key
in the spring flings with Mr. Mingus
run, my friend, good time will save us

I think it still needs work, but it’s a fun one to read–especially if you know what all the big words mean.

peace,
-nick

This is more of an expiriment in free though writing–especially along the lines of philosophy (again, the song ends in a strange meter, but it is in correct time).

Driving the Experience Machine

selfish christians and atheists
who write about on useless tests
thinking ‘maybe I’ve got time to breath’
before their venturing to conceive
new ideas to write their pet peeves
your so naive, your so naive
thinking ‘maybe I’ve got time to breath’
driving the Experience machine

naa naa naa na na
naa naa naaa
naa naa naa na na
naa naa naaa

so what if I thought those anti-things
against the men of flightless wings
no wonder you have lost your breath
winters are repeating deaths
of plants and animals alike
your so naive, your so naive
no wonder you have lost your breath
driving the Experience machine

naa naa naa na na
naa naa naaa
naa naa naa na na
naa naa naaa

I cannot prove that chair is there
so what if it’s a glaring stare
that garners to the highly rare
winters and redeeming deaths
in idealistic minds, at best
your so naive, your so naive
no wonder you have lost your breath
driving the Experience machine

naa naa naa na na
naa naa naaa
naa naa naa na na
naa naa naaa

The verses are intended to bleed through again. 12:35–I feel on fire right now. :smiley:

peace,
-nick