The slow farewell of a blenderhead

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1

Today I walked 60 minutes as usual to go to the library where internet and electricity are available…
Today I procrastinated again from 9.a.m. to 11 p.m, 14 hours in the same chair without one useful move towards my goals…
Today I walked 90 minutes back to my dark apartment…

2 bucks til new years for food…

Intelligence, skills, knowledge, talent, 15 years of Blender, all there, all except any confidence in following through on my own…

41, in debt, barely able to focus on my goals…

health destroyed, cancer symptoms, bad esophagus, bad lymph nodes, right kidney hurts sometimes, malnutrition, diabetes…

never amounted to anything except teaching Blender and winning a Suzanne Award, basically without friends (because friends do not watch you die just like that)…

no electricity, no internet no full heating, another 2 days of internet, all of my clothes worn down except the newsboy cap…
holes in the soles of my shoes, wet feet when it rains…

conditioned to distrust myself, knowing what works and still doubting it…
losing the faight against a weak enemy called uncertainty…

20 projects in the drawer, working stuff, really thought through, ready to make decent money with it and even the smallest of them starves to death, the energy never enough…

trying to crawl a mile bleeding, bones broken, never lasting til the first results show, gathering more and more proof that I’m unfit…

every good move towards completion feeling like having to drink cat piss, adding up til my mind wants to puke and I give in and file another attempt as futile while my rational mind screams to continue, cause THERE IS THE GOAL, YOU IDIOT…

trying in a social vaccuum without anything to hold myself up to change, adding one unfinished try to the next…

with my rational mind knowing all the solutions and my emotional uncertainty and hesitation making all the decisions…

rejection after rejection adding up to form a consistent opinion about myself and others…

hoping people will understand simple concepts and always reaping indifference or confusion…

one huge pile of rotting potential…

the message in a bottle that no one opens…

welcome to the hell I’ve been conditioned to maintain with a very painful death seemingly being the only solution I can do on my own.

Now I wait and fear the answers…

the good advice that is so superficial…

the kind of advice that makes me regret writing this…

the lectures that are so obvious that I only learn that people think of me as dumb or uneducated…

the ridicuale from others since I’ve become an easy target for the weak…

the charity I don’t want…

the people who think I fit in into their experiences with others when I NEVER EVER DID, not even once…

Hoping for the one person digging for potential, finding and releasing it, profiting from it…

one person that learns me instead of judging assuming guessing hurting…
the one who’s up to creating a miracle…

knowing it won’t happen and might not really work over a distance by now.

2

Bottom line, Blender is for making art. Art is subjective, and the only person’s opinion on it that counts, is the artists. Everyone else is a bystander.

3

Cool story, it is just a story right?

4

Sometimes life catches up with people, Spoiler we all die in the end.

But OP, Your alive now right? Do something with it.

5

What you need is a corporation with a group of others to build something amazing and inspiring to others, so you have something to work and look forward too, to motivate you. Imagine if an artist drew the surroundings, characters, ect, you built them, and someone else built the scripts, you could make a game as extensive as Borderlands, and make Billions, off of just an idea, story, and now a gameplay. Games now a day sell for millions from all the added up buyers. I heard their were a few openings at Gear Box, and when you do build something amazing and impressive you would be able to afford to mass 3D print designs from the game 3D renders of masks, small action figures, ect, that you could sell on the side of the product, you can literally make millions with your skills and experience you just need to find out where to use them and what on, if you need help on where to find groups or companies willing to pay for your experience just message me, I would be glad to help!

6

Wrectify it.

I know your boat, I paddle around the same whirl pool, Unleash your talent.

Make a game for love,
Make a short for love.

Money will be in the casket with you.

Love…

hearts and minds is where the future lies.

Contrived for money slowly dies.

7

Hello big friend.

Thank you for your post.
I just registered here because of you…

[SUB]I watch BlenderArtists Trough feedly.com …

And what can i say. your Situation Touched-me …
As We are both in the exact same situation.

Maybe mine is not so dangerously bad … As i have at least 2 months left …
Before i am knocked out of the Ring as well …[/SUB]
[INDENT=2]

[/INDENT]
____

So … Well i Writed you a long Winding personal note, letter …
In the Link bellow …
http://sta.sh/05lkepgr1vj

[INDENT=2]That I hope it helps somehow …

Are just Words … feelings … toughts …

But Support and encouragement Words. [/INDENT]

Anyway . The Most important part is this :

Go to http://gofundme.com And Start a Canpain .

Go to http://patreon.com And Start a Art page.

Go to All forums cg and not Online and Open A Thread Asking help .
linking your Campaigns …

Something like this :

… PLEASE HELP A FELLOW ARTIST TO SURVIVE THIS CHRISTMAS !

… « INSERT SHOWCASE OF YOUR BEST ARTS GALLERY HERE »

[ATTACH=CONFIG]415663[/ATTACH]

http://gofundme.com/link
http://patreon.com/link

HELLO EVERYONE ! I AM A BLENDER 3D ARTIST … AND I NEED SOME HELP THIS CHRISTMAS !

I just have 2 bucks til new year for food…

I have Intelligence, skills,knowledge, talent, 15 years of Blender, all there, all except any Support …

If anyone out there wants someone to work in anything i am Available ! But i Really need some help this next weeks…

I am 41, and im in debt, im feeling Ill and barely able to focus on work… As i need somehow to get financials to Eat … and im not being able …

My healt health is destroyed, I feel like dying with cancer symptoms, bad esophagus, bad lymph nodes, right kidney hurts, diabetes…

I could never amounted to anything, all been hand to mouth, i am basically without friends…

Soon I will have no electricity, no internet no full heating, And i just have like some days of internet…

IF YOU PLEASE HELP ME, I WOULD BE SO GREATFULL …

At least i could have a better christmas and a better reason to stay in this world.

And to be a Artist … i Would love to be a better Artist.

But the Luxury of doing art …

or even money enough to eat

Is SOmething that

I don’t even have now.

ANY HELP YOURS WOULD BE MEANINGFUL

THANK YOU

…

Just Those Letters as it is …
You Dont need to Say Much more …

Stick on that … Dont go to devious …
Dont reply Much… Be coerent …

After having the GOFUNDME.COM Account Setup …

Open A Thread …

With the Title in Caps : PLEASE HELP A FELLOW ARTIST TO SURVIVE THIS CHRISTMAS !

At : cgtalk.com / blenderartists.org / 3dtotal.com / polycount.com / zbrushcentral.com / conceptart.org / thegnomonworkshop.com / digitaltutors.com / ArtSTation.com

Basically Every CgCommunity that has a FORUM …

And … Good luck !

[SUB]I know is not much … Or Nothing … i Wish i could help you financially …[/SUB]

But In your Situation is like the Best Advice that i could give you .

GOOD LUCK !

Ruben Ismael / SoulsShine Studio

The SoulsShine Online Open Source Production Founder.
http://soulsshine-online.deviantart.com
http://soulsshine-madefire.deviantart.com
http://soulsshine-3ddev.deviantart.com
Http://youtube.com/soulsshine-online
http://soulsshine.deviantart.com

8

Hi shajuke

It is a story. My story. It’s not very detailed but it describes my life halfway accurately. Well, what’s left of it. The juicy part is actually my 20 projects. About 6 or 7 circle around blender and teaching it in a bigger scale.

Two reasons why I posted this:

1.: Suffering in complete silence makes things even harder, even if I can predict that no change will come from reaching out here and that most comments are just “good advice” where people should be able to predict that I already know it and telling me doesn’t make a difference. Nice words have lost all meaning to me. They’re inconsequential. Unlike change.

2.: I’d kinda like my prediction to be wrong, no matter how improbable that is.

I answered you because I like questions more than I like statements about a person you don’t yet know. Although I have a bad habit of answering questions in a way that causes more confusion than clarity. My big picture usually is too big to be boiled down to single unconnected statements.

Hi Lykorous

Yes, real team work would be heaven. Although I define team work a bit differently than usual. It starts with people precisely defining a goal and deciding on making it a reality. This transcends mere distribution of work.

9

If you’ve been using blender for so long and have developed your skills as far as you say you have why aren’t you profiting from them?

10

I have become a very bad lone soldier. I don’t think I ever was a good one. Doing stuff on my own for my own is not my strength. Far from it. Loneliness is poison for me and at the same time I have always been the outsider. The round peg in the square hole. I’m different.

And with every attempt that doesn’t cross the finish line, my brain gets trained in the wrong direction.

It’s the feedback loop of (potential)–>(beliefs)–>(actions)–>(results)–>(potential)…

This can go both ways, up and down. Down in my case. It’s become so bad where even the smallest of my projects aimed at increasing income does not reach completion. Last thing I really DID complete was the telescope and that was just a simple exercise. Correction, I completed the modeling. The materials are still silly.

I can teach Blender pretty well and I have a complete system in the drawer on monetizing it. But my brain rejects going the distance no matter what my rational mind has to say about it. A weak enemy but still stronger than me.

11

Well I know that you’re not stupid or a blender noob, however it seems to me that you’ve put yourself in this position, I’m not sure why you would let yourself go to waste knowing that you can achieve meaningful results from your skillset. If you legitimately want to throw away your future I can’t stop you but I can tell you that it’s possible to not have that happen, so will you let this thread be the fruits of your labour?

12

A man wakes up in a cell. He is confused since he doesn’t know why he’s in it. What puzzles him much more though is that the cell doesn’t have a door, just an empty frame. The corridorbehind it is lit, silent and empty…a strange prison indeed.

He calls out and nobody answers.

Curiosity wins and he steps outside the cell. Immediately doors fling open, men approach him and savagely beat him to the ground until he can’t get up. They drag him back into the cell and leave him there.

After his wounds have healed, he manages another attempt and gets beaten to an inch of his life, ending up back in the cell.

How many attempts will it take until his brain, in order to protect him from pain, won’t let him go outside?
How many attempts until he becomes his own jailer and nobody needs to guard him anymore to keep him trapped?
Will there be a time when his brain rather risks starvation than risk one more beating?

How much more subtle can this persistent punishment over time be and still condition a brain into learned helplessness?
When will a single “I believe you’re a lost cause” from a so-called friend torment this brain for years?
When will all wounds be so deep that seemingly little remarks cut right to the bone, justifying all fears and crushing all hope?

And when will you start to blame him for not single handedly overcoming his conditioning by sheer force of will?
When will you blame him that he’s responsible for staying in the cell?
When will you start telling him that he wants to stay in the cell?

And when will all the failed attempts to leave the cell, not being strong enough to fight all the guards alone, result in him believeing that he deserves to be punished, deserves to be in this cell, starving? Ashamed of being a coward, ashamed of being weak
and very tired of being blamed…

Blame and judge him, he’s not too likely to fight back anyway. Just call it facts. Or challenge him to leave so his fears make him feel even more pathetic.

But at any rate, do NOT wonder whether it’s worth getting him out of the cell. He’s just a coward, right? Who needs cowards…

Just a crazy one…

13

Jails are designed to ensure that the person that’s in there can’t get out, if you’re placed in a jail for the wrong reason it’s not your fault, but you don’t need to be a genius to know that you will get punished if you try to leave without permission, wouldn’t it make more sense to think about what could have caused you be placed in there instead of just blindly running for the exit and hoping all ends well?

14

Yep, you’re an artist alright.

15

I have taken my main pc with me today. Couldn’t get at the data any other way. One hour with maybe 17kg on my back. Since I shied away from what I want to do, starting either of two crowd funding ideas, fully knowing that 2 days are a bit very short for that, I instead focussed on something else that has nothing to do with income. A christmas present for someone else.

Now I carry the stuff 90 minutes back, adding a few pounds of humiliation and a few bruises.

By now, every attempt creates the opposite of encouragement. In order to succeed, I’d need to go against my feelings 100% of the time for weeks. With nothing keeping me upright.

16

I, along with most other people giving you advice here, is an armchair supervisor. We’ve never been in a similar situation.

So what can I say:

  • Discipline
  • Perseverance

To work through any project takes both, but mostly discipline. Discipline is what keeps people working on projects when they become demotivted and uninterested. It doesn’t matter if you’re scapring the bottom of the barrel for existence or living at the top of the world, without discipline, you will start things and leave them unfinished.

On the other hand, you could switch your line of work and go into building services or construction. Those jobs are nearly always in some level of demand.

17

So you lack motivation, here’s a great read: https://www.reddit.com/r/NonZeroDay/wiki/the_four_pillars

If I were you (and as far motivation goes, I’ve been there often enough), I would start by cutting down the scope of your projects, make smaller things, that can get your creative “fix” faster… when you’re consistently nailing smaller projects, try going bigger, but not too big, take one step at a time.

Also, try to work in teams, and/or show your work as soon as possible, because other people can be great motivators, and a great way to trim off the loneliness feeling that can become too overwhelming if not kept in check.

If you can’t find paid work, try freelancing sites such as upwork.com, freelancer.com, guru.com, etc, or maybe even a rev share project (like making assets for games), which will get you started with a goal, and even if you don’t make much in the end, you’ll always have the experience and portfolio to improve your chances of catching better fish next time.

Freelancing is great also because it can put money in your pocket literally within hours (one of my first freelance gigs made me $50 in a couple of hours), and although they say “money doesn’t make you happy”, I’d argue that lack of it will make you unhappy… :wink:

Right now you seem very unbalanced, so try to sort only a couple of things at a time (cash? health? basic living conditions?), inching to get things a little more balanced each day, and you’ll see the other stuff will improve along with it as well.

Remember that if you’re feeling depressed, you’re not in the right mindset to make accurate self-assessments at this point.

Just my 2 cents, take it for what it’s worth… :wink:

18

Me:

the kind of advice that makes me regret writing this…

the lectures that are so obvious that I only learn that people think of me as dumb or uneducated…

People who mean well and don’t wanna disappoint me…I guess…

So what can I say:

  • Discipline
  • Perseverance

But OP, Your alive now right? Do something with it.

I really wonder why people think the reason I fail is that I don’t know the obvious.

Sorry for opening the thread. Shouldn’t have done it.

19

Damn sounds like you are reallly, really having a tough time

It almost feels like you are considering suicide…

Now I admit I don’t know you, I just saw you in this thread

But,

Don’t do this to your friends and family.

I was going to say “get a second job” or “move in with your parents” but then I remembered you are 41…
Damn…
I don’t know what to say then

Hang in there, good times usually come after some struggles.

20

It’s one thing to know the obvious, it’s another thing to actually get the obvious and act on what you know can be done to get your life turned around.

You need to ask yourself, why are you carrying all your stuff to begin with, just leave it at home or at the destination point if possible (or just decide you don’t need them for now so you can just focus on what needs to be done)?

Do you have any friends that can lend you support, do you want to make friends who can lend you support?

What about your beliefs, do they give any room for long term hope whatsoever, do they allow for any notion that things can get better and that you’re more than merely the sum of your mistakes?

Do you know, right now, what you need to do to get back on your feet, and if so do you have any awareness what might be holding you back?

Are their any resources or living assistance you can take advantage of in your country or your city?