Today I walked 60 minutes as usual to go to the library where internet and electricity are available…
Today I procrastinated again from 9.a.m. to 11 p.m, 14 hours in the same chair without one useful move towards my goals…
Today I walked 90 minutes back to my dark apartment…
2 bucks til new years for food…
Intelligence, skills, knowledge, talent, 15 years of Blender, all there, all except any confidence in following through on my own…
41, in debt, barely able to focus on my goals…
health destroyed, cancer symptoms, bad esophagus, bad lymph nodes, right kidney hurts sometimes, malnutrition, diabetes…
never amounted to anything except teaching Blender and winning a Suzanne Award, basically without friends (because friends do not watch you die just like that)…
no electricity, no internet no full heating, another 2 days of internet, all of my clothes worn down except the newsboy cap…
holes in the soles of my shoes, wet feet when it rains…
conditioned to distrust myself, knowing what works and still doubting it…
losing the faight against a weak enemy called uncertainty…
20 projects in the drawer, working stuff, really thought through, ready to make decent money with it and even the smallest of them starves to death, the energy never enough…
trying to crawl a mile bleeding, bones broken, never lasting til the first results show, gathering more and more proof that I’m unfit…
every good move towards completion feeling like having to drink cat piss, adding up til my mind wants to puke and I give in and file another attempt as futile while my rational mind screams to continue, cause THERE IS THE GOAL, YOU IDIOT…
trying in a social vaccuum without anything to hold myself up to change, adding one unfinished try to the next…
with my rational mind knowing all the solutions and my emotional uncertainty and hesitation making all the decisions…
rejection after rejection adding up to form a consistent opinion about myself and others…
hoping people will understand simple concepts and always reaping indifference or confusion…
one huge pile of rotting potential…
the message in a bottle that no one opens…
welcome to the hell I’ve been conditioned to maintain with a very painful death seemingly being the only solution I can do on my own.
Now I wait and fear the answers…
the good advice that is so superficial…
the kind of advice that makes me regret writing this…
the lectures that are so obvious that I only learn that people think of me as dumb or uneducated…
the ridicuale from others since I’ve become an easy target for the weak…
the charity I don’t want…
the people who think I fit in into their experiences with others when I NEVER EVER DID, not even once…
Hoping for the one person digging for potential, finding and releasing it, profiting from it…
one person that learns me instead of judging assuming guessing hurting…
the one who’s up to creating a miracle…
knowing it won’t happen and might not really work over a distance by now.