Okay, this happened today after work (I sort cherries).
It was a ten hour day (like every ****ing day) and my three friends and myself got off work to find a palette of the cherries we threw away throughout the day available for our taking. Normally, I just steal a half empty box from cold storage (they’re sorted and not nasty) but we said, hell, let’s get us a bag of ****ty cherries.
The thing we ****ty cherries is, you don’t wanna ****ing eat that ****. So what do we do with them? While, some details. This plot is set on the highway coming in from Alberta. It’s easily the busiest road into our small town and usually has a lot of cars on it. But since it’s usually packed, you cannot easily pull over and stop or anything of that sort.
So I immediately decide I’m going to pull a prank I pulled on Emily last year: I rip open some cherries and begin to paint my arms and face. Cherry juice, before it dries, is a nice red and looks quite a bit like blood. Even when it dries, from a distance you’ll think “OH GOD”. With this fake blood dripping down my arms, I stagger around and wave my arms wildly at cars, screaming with every retarded duck step (my pants kept falling down). Already, people are giving me “oh my GOD is he okay!? I can’t stop the car!” looks.
But I’m not done. No, my quick sober mind decides to take it a step further. I start to put cherries in my mouth, spitting out the pits and chewing on the cherry until it becomes a pulp. As cars go by, I fall to the ground, reaching out to my friends, before convulsing and ‘vomiting’ out what looks very much like bloody puke. Doing this all in front of traffic, I get some of the greatest ‘HOLY ****’ looks I have ever seen. We do this all along the highway, deciding to put arms around shoulder and projectile puking at cars. We all stop at the side of the road and vomit our blood at the same time.
Eventually, we get into town. Finally, real people who can’t drive past us. We puke in front of Dairy Queen as some people exit. We throw up at some old ladies feet. Outside the bank, hell, everywhere Downtown. We chill by a crosswalk and do our best Michael Jackson ‘hee hee’ impersonations at people stopped at the red light. Some guy got out the car to hit the cross button so he could move faster. But I hit the opposing one to cut him off. He fingered me. Sucker!
Then my dad picked me up. And that’s the end of my story.