Jokes: Always good for a laugh

well, tomorrow I’ll be trying out for the colleges spring production of “The Complete History of America Abridged.” For the try out, I need 2 story telling jokes that are tasteful and about 1 minute long…

Anyone know any good jokes?! :slight_smile:

I’ve always liked this one:

The day everyone dreaded had finally come - Quasimodo had died and the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame was in a quandry. Who would ring the bells now that Quasimodo was gone?

A message was sent throughout the streets of Paris that a bellringer was needed as soon as possible. The Bishop decided that he would personally interview each candidate for the position.

On the first day of receiving prospective personnel, he went up to the church belfry and left word below that all applicants would have to demonstrate their ability with the bells. After watching several people go through the motions, he was about to call it a day when a lone armless man approached him and announced he wanted the job.

The Bishop was amazed. “You have no arms!”

“It doesn’t matter”, said the man, “observe!”

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop could not believe his eyes and ears and just as he was about to tell this mystery figure that he had the job, an even more incredible thing happened.

Rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The Bishop raced down the stairs.

A crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn there initially only moments before by the beautiful music of the bells. As they made room to let the Bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” the Bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”

You can extend it and say that his brother replaced him, they couldn’t identify his body either, but he was a dead ringer for his brother.

This is not the kind of joke that I would think I would find funny. But for some odd reason, I found it halarious! Thanks! I found some others on Comedy Central’s website…

A guy just died and he’s at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin’ through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times and furrows his brow
“You know, I can’t see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED – you’re in.” The guy thinks for a moment.
“Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!’” St. Peter, impressed, says, “Really? When did this happen?”
“Oh, about two minutes ago.”

I only know dirty jokes.

real quick so there might be spelling mistakes.

A smart guy tells a dumb guy that, if he(the dumb guy) can ask a question that the smart guy doesnt know the answer to, the smart guy will give him 50 dollars, and if the smart guy asks a question that the dumb guy doesnt know the answer to, the dumb guy only has to give the smart guy 5 dollars. So the smart guy says, “whats the capital of Denmark”? The dumb guy goes “I dont know here is 5 dollars”. The smart guy says “Its Copenhagen now its your turn.” The dumb guy says “ok lets see… What is orange shaped like a square and rolls?” The smart guy thinks and thinks and finally says “ok I give up here is 50 dollars, but what is the answer?” The dumb guy says “I dont know here is 5 dollars.”

you might want to word it a little better


A married couple from Minnesota were going on vacation over the hollidays in sunny Florida. The husband wanted it to be the best vacation his wife ever had and spent alot of time setting up everything with the help of a well traveled aquantance living on one of the upper floors of their apartment building. Because of a last minute deadline, the wife had to postpone her flight a couple of days, but the husband decided to go on ahead and make sure everything was all set up for her arrival. The flight was uneventful and even the security check at the airport was quick and easy. When he got to the hotel, the desk clerk handed him message from his wife saying that she would be able to join him the next day. He first set up an extravagant romantic dinner for the next night in a nearby restraunt and then he checked out the room. To his surprise he found that they had free internet and even a computer set up in the room. He decides to fire off a quick email to his wife instead of waisting the long distance charges to call her and let her know that he arrived safely. Unfortunately, he gets just one letter wrong in her email address…

Meanwhile, somewhere in Texas, a newly widowed minister’s wife is returning home with her son from her husbands funeral. She decides to go into the den and check her email for condolences from friends and family that lived too far away to attend the funeral.

Her son hears a scream and a thud in the den and rushes in to find his mother passed out on the floor in front of the computer…He looks at the screen and reads:

To: my loving wife
From: your eagerly waiting husband

Hi honey, The accomodations down here are not as nice as I would have wanted but the man upstairs that I talked to all those times assured me that this is the best I could do. At least they have free internet in our rooms so that we can email our loved ones! The trip down here was fast and easy…It seemed like one minute I was in my car and the next minute I was landing down here. And imagine my happy surprise when I found out that you were joining me tomorrow!

see you soon my love…

P.S. it sure is hot down here!

The only non-dirty joke I know:

A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender looks him up and down and inquires: “Excuse me, but… are you a piece of string?”

The piece of string replies “Yes, I’m afraid so.”

“I’m sorry,” the bartender informs him, “we don’t serve pieces of string in here.”

Dismayed, the piece of string leaves the bar and sits on the street corner outside.

Minutes later, a second piece of string walks into the bar. The bartender looks him up and down and inquires: “Excuse me, but…are you a piece of string?”

The second piece of string replies “Yes, I’m afraid so.”

“I’m sorry,” the bartender says, “we don’t serve pieces of string in here.”

The second piece of string also walks out of the bar dismayed, and goes to join the first piece of string.

A few moments later, a third piece of string walks by, but before he can get into the bar, the first two stop him. “Don’t bother,” they say, “They don’t serve pieces of string in there.”

The third piece of string thinks carefully, then jumps into the gutter, rolls around a bit, ruffles up his hair and walks into the bar.

The bartender looks him up nad down and inquires: “Excuse me, but… are you a piece of string?”

To which the Third Piece of String replies: “No, I’m A FRAYED KNOT!”


Tough crowd… tough crowd…

two partially deaf men were waiting for their bus at the bus stop so one of them initiated a chat to pass some time.

1st man: “hey, are you going to the central market?”
2nd man: “No! I am going to the central market.”
1st man: “oh ok, i thought you are going to the central market.”
2nd man: “nopes, i’ll just go to the central market, buy stuff and return home.”