Hey, since we talk about everything here, I figure I’ll post about this. I was just recently diagnosed with bipolar-1 disorder (manic depression), but I’ve had it for 10+ years. I’m sure most of you have noticed my attitude and moods from my differnt posts and threads here at elysiun. As I look back now and see threads I’ve started from anything from hating people and life, to wanting to start big projects, it all makes sense now. I finally decided to get help once I saw something was affecting my work, and I realized that as the weeks passed I wasn’t getting anything done. My thoughts for almost as long as I can remember have been filled with thoughts of death and blood, nightmares within that sometimes would merge with reality. Some days I would go for weeks only able to sit there and seemingly stare at the monitor. Other times I would seem to go nuts and remodel the basement or take my car apart just to paint the muffler or something.
Since I’ve gotten help though things are getting steadily better. Until I can get some meds in early December, I’ve put myself on 8g fish oil supplements, vitamin C and E, and St. John’s Wort. The fish oil is very high in omega-3 fatty acids and the C and E prevent them from oxidizing. The St. John’s Wort is an anitdepressant used quite extensively in Germany. But my goal has been to gain control of myself without destorying my thought and imagination structure. It’s been tough because it’s almost like re-learning how to think, but it’s not too bad.
I’m very excited to see where Iptic goes now that I can work each day. Instead of just going manic and trying to do it all in one night, I can work on a project from day-to-day. There was many times where I just wanted to unplug the server and forget about it all. But I have told those around me (family and friends) not to let me do that if I want to, because alot of my ‘irrational’ decisions have been made from me acting upon impulse driven either my mania or depression.
A lot of people don’t like to publically talk about something such as this. I think it is important though, for many reasons. One being it eliminates the stigma of ‘normal’ that someone may feel they have to be to fit in with others. It is much harder to live when your constantly hiding something because you don’t want people to know. Another reason is because many people don’t understand it. Quite a few think depression is just something that you can ‘snap out of’. Many people also don’t understand suicide or attempts. Each person has their view of the world, what forms their conciousness. I believe if we as humans don’t share and try and understand others views of the same world we all view, we will not evolve as concious beings.
I am sure there is others among us that can relate. Many artists, musicians, writers, and thinkers in general have and is living with this condition. While it is difficult to see the real world rationally, it allows you to see things like art and music in an entirely different light as the average person. I can tell in some people works I have seen around here, that they probably have some of the same thoughts and dreams as I have seen before in my head. A type of fantasy, which is composed of pieces of the real world though wich idealologies and gerneral ‘thoughts’ are manifested in physical images. Where you can see and understand something in your head, but can not relate it in physical words or description. Almost to where you could take an entire topic, and view it as a picture in your head, yet can not manifest it in reality. Although we try, through art, music, and writing to relate what it is we imagine. One of my goals over the next year, as I work to seperate reality from my fantasy, is to express them through things like images with blender. I’m going to have two walls in my office for pictures. One for things in reality that interset me, such as architecture and stuff. And another wall for ‘fantasy’, such as CG pics and works.
If anyone wants to talk about something relational but not post it publically, please feel free to email me anytime at [email protected]