Manic Depression

(acasto) #1

Hey, since we talk about everything here, I figure I’ll post about this. I was just recently diagnosed with bipolar-1 disorder (manic depression), but I’ve had it for 10+ years. I’m sure most of you have noticed my attitude and moods from my differnt posts and threads here at elysiun. As I look back now and see threads I’ve started from anything from hating people and life, to wanting to start big projects, it all makes sense now. I finally decided to get help once I saw something was affecting my work, and I realized that as the weeks passed I wasn’t getting anything done. My thoughts for almost as long as I can remember have been filled with thoughts of death and blood, nightmares within that sometimes would merge with reality. Some days I would go for weeks only able to sit there and seemingly stare at the monitor. Other times I would seem to go nuts and remodel the basement or take my car apart just to paint the muffler or something.

Since I’ve gotten help though things are getting steadily better. Until I can get some meds in early December, I’ve put myself on 8g fish oil supplements, vitamin C and E, and St. John’s Wort. The fish oil is very high in omega-3 fatty acids and the C and E prevent them from oxidizing. The St. John’s Wort is an anitdepressant used quite extensively in Germany. But my goal has been to gain control of myself without destorying my thought and imagination structure. It’s been tough because it’s almost like re-learning how to think, but it’s not too bad.

I’m very excited to see where Iptic goes now that I can work each day. Instead of just going manic and trying to do it all in one night, I can work on a project from day-to-day. There was many times where I just wanted to unplug the server and forget about it all. But I have told those around me (family and friends) not to let me do that if I want to, because alot of my ‘irrational’ decisions have been made from me acting upon impulse driven either my mania or depression.

A lot of people don’t like to publically talk about something such as this. I think it is important though, for many reasons. One being it eliminates the stigma of ‘normal’ that someone may feel they have to be to fit in with others. It is much harder to live when your constantly hiding something because you don’t want people to know. Another reason is because many people don’t understand it. Quite a few think depression is just something that you can ‘snap out of’. Many people also don’t understand suicide or attempts. Each person has their view of the world, what forms their conciousness. I believe if we as humans don’t share and try and understand others views of the same world we all view, we will not evolve as concious beings.

I am sure there is others among us that can relate. Many artists, musicians, writers, and thinkers in general have and is living with this condition. While it is difficult to see the real world rationally, it allows you to see things like art and music in an entirely different light as the average person. I can tell in some people works I have seen around here, that they probably have some of the same thoughts and dreams as I have seen before in my head. A type of fantasy, which is composed of pieces of the real world though wich idealologies and gerneral ‘thoughts’ are manifested in physical images. Where you can see and understand something in your head, but can not relate it in physical words or description. Almost to where you could take an entire topic, and view it as a picture in your head, yet can not manifest it in reality. Although we try, through art, music, and writing to relate what it is we imagine. One of my goals over the next year, as I work to seperate reality from my fantasy, is to express them through things like images with blender. I’m going to have two walls in my office for pictures. One for things in reality that interset me, such as architecture and stuff. And another wall for ‘fantasy’, such as CG pics and works.

If anyone wants to talk about something relational but not post it publically, please feel free to email me anytime at [email protected]

(cree) #2

It takes a lot of courage to admit something like that to the world. The subject of “mental illness” is taboo for a substantial number of people; however, what society defines as abnormal can be easily defined as the energy and force that drives art through history. Don’t sweat it, so what if you have the energy of fifty horses and crash two weeks later. If what you do makes you and others happy, then F*** the rest if they can’t understand. It’s their problem not yours. If everyone was the same then this world would a horribly boring place to live.

(dreamsgate) #3

I’m glad you are getting help, although you are right and your disorder helps you see the world differently, it can be very difficlt to live that way. There are lots of herbal things you can do to help you regain control of your life, and antidepressant meds have come along way. I wish you all the best of luck.

I have mood swings myself and can understand some of what you are going through.

(valarking) #4

Ah, I almost know how it feels. When I was about 4 I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. That means that I was brilliant, but not so great socially, and some people with it had impulses kinda like Terrettes people, but luckily, I never had those. But as I worked step by step to get better, now I’m a normal person as far as social interaction goes. You’ve just got to work out one problem at a time. The only difference in me now is that I’m not like your average teenage, saying everything that comes into their mind. I only say something when I think I need to say it. That gets me the title of “Quiet”. Lol, get me started and I’ll never stop… :wink:

(jonnierod) #5

Kudos for being honest about yourself! That’s like gold! I learned some time ago that there are two kinds of people in this world. Those with serious problems and those in denial.

I was diagnosed with Major Depression about two years ago. At the time I was so depressed I didn’t even have the will kill myself to put me out of my own misery. I was just dead. Then I realized that many drug users I’d talked to were depressed, that was how they coped. I didn’t want this. I got help. Things are much better now.

In coming out of depression some of the feelings I’d been supressing burst out and it literally drove me mad for about a week. I was in the hospital and everything. But I’ve recovered, and am not ashamed that I have had that experience. No one wants to admit that they’ve been psychotic, or dealt with a mental disorder, it seems so sissy in American culture. But I am not ashamed, because I’ve survived it and it’s made me a better person. I now have a wife and a child, and a life that I love. I’m willing to admit to some bad times because I didn’t allow myself to become a victim. Some people never improve themselves and though they never have to admit that something is wrong with them, they lead miserable lives and make those around them miserable because they cannot accept this about themselves.

I for one am proud that I was able to accept my shortcomings, it’s made me a better person. And I salute anyone else with the courage to do the same. My hat is off to you acasto for having the courage to be honest. I think you’ll find that some people will think less of you, but many will think more of you. I don’t hide what I’ve been through, because when I do get a negative reaction from someone and they give me the funny looks, I just know to avoid them. It’s kind of a rawrshak test I can give to people to see how they really are underneath.

I wish you much success in your coping with bipolar. I have a cousin with it but he doesn’t want to be treated, sadly. Best wishes and never give in!

(blengine) #6

its not that that people dont understand, its that they dont want to. its like disease, most people wont care untill they get it, or a family member gets it… when it hits close to home, thats when they crusade against it trying to make others understand…
in theory, people wont care and wont want to know unless it affects them…

I believe if we as humans don’t share and try and understand others views of the same world we all view, we will not evolve as concious beings.

u are totally right, thats why they are doomed not to evolve =( the majority has a close mind to what doesnt affect them, no ‘empathy’ if u will…

hey what does fish oil do?

If everyone was the same then this world would a horribly boring place to live.

even more so than it is now?! impossible!

good luck getting through this acasto, this community’s with you! =)

(dreamsgate) #7

acasto, you are well loved here, if you ever need any help let us know. We will do all we can.

(theeth) #8

it’s hard to face your own problems. kudos

we’re with you on this Adam.


(S68) #9

Well, facing one’s own problem is 50% of solution. Avoiding never solves.

And facing them openly is another big step, there are so few problems you can solve alone.

I’m happy to hear that you feel getting steadly better and better :slight_smile:

We’re with you, Adam.


(Dittohead) #10

Acasto, as strnge as this sounds im glad you were diagnosed.


because many people who have bipolar never get th right diagnosis.

i have an aunt who has bipolar and has to be forced to goto the docter(her daughter has it too, or is autistic, hard to determine because both parents are irresponible and don’t/won’t take her to the docter), and a friend whose daughter has it, and another friend whose son has it.

just fo yourself a favour and stay on the meds/vitamens.

you are a very brave person for coming out like this. and i have great respect for people like you.

i hope you get better and stay that way.

(acasto) #11

I would like to thank you all for the words of encouragement. This community means so much to me, as it has often been my only friend through some of the long and lonely nights. I appreciate it greatly.

Thanks again for everything.

(CubeFan973) #12



Well, it’s always being called “autism,” but I’m pretty high-functioning for an autistic, so I suspect it’s Aspergers.

If you don’t know what “autism” is, please read “Emergence: Labeled Autistic,” by Temple Grandin. Very good book.

Or, better yet, watch “Rain Man”’ and pay attention to Raymond, or “Cube” and pay attention to Kazan.

Anyway, as far as I’ve got it figured, autistics/Aspergers don’t function well in society. They get very obsessed with things and usually talk about them non-stop. Sometimes, it can go another way. I’ve heard of one autistic who usually just SPINS! The obsession thing explains why I’m on here and post weird topics, or why I always talk about Blender, “Cube,” or “The Twilight Zone.”

i guess that’s why I hate PE… it’s physical, and I’m not obsessed with it…

In fact, I just hate school all around… you have to do things. I just like being lazy.

In fact, I hate everything, except what I like. :stuck_out_tongue: Some things are being vague and using similes.

(Jamesk) #13

I don’t know what to say except that you demonstrate an enormous amount of courage. I’m honestly very impressed. The things you wrote and the stories from valarking and cubeFan made me think a bit about myself too. There are elements that I recognise in myself and it briefly gave me the creeps…

Anyways, hope you’ll stay on track with things!


(rndrdbrian) #14

Hi Adam. Thats good that you are getting help. Trust me, that is the first step in getting better. How do I know? Because I have been diagnosed with “Dysthemia”, which is a chronic low grade depression.

Anyway, after going kinda nuts during my last 2 years of uni, having a minor breakdown and what not, i decided to get help. Saw a doctor, got put on medication (which I’m still on today., although a different brand than I was on at first), and have seen a psychiatrist, and a psychologist, and i’m finally feeling better (and I am holding down a part time job too)

It does take courage to admit to needing help, Kudos to you on doing so.

Regarding St John’s Wort, it really is not a good idea to mix St John’s Wort with perscribed anti depressants. If you do, you can end up with what is known as Seratonin Syndrome.

Here is my list of medication i’ve been on over the past couple of years:

Seroxat (paroxetine)
Effexor (Venlafaxine)
And finally, Citalopram (cipramil), which seems to be doing the job! :smiley:

You do have to give them time to work, the reason I had to change was that they either stopped working after a few months, or had side effects I wasn’t willing to accept .

Take care, and look after yourself!


(Timonides) #15


The bravest thing of all that you’ve done, is that you admited it to yourself first!!! Not to us!!! Because lot of people refuse to accept that they have such kinds of problems and that they need help. And this thing leads them to their own destruction…

You are not alone in this world… As I think over it… I get the impression that most people have such problems, only they refuse to understand it!!!

My opinion is that, most people get depressed because our way of life, has taken away from us the joy of creativity… And the absence of that joy, is one of the reasons for the estrangement of man (one of the 8 deadliest sins of human kind…)!!!

Under that prism, art could be considered as therapeutic…

Make art for yourself…

Keep fighting man…


(valarking) #16

Autism and aspergers are fairly different.
With full autism you are kinda the opposite of retarded (i.e. TOO smart for your own good). With aspergers you have trouble in social situations. I used to get in so many fights. Not anymore.

(acasto) #17

Your so right. That was the major turning point for me. Before I thought it was all me, how I acted and my personality was me. But now I can seperate the real from the disorder and reason with myself. For instance, now when I get feeling that people are after me and that someones following me, I just have to make two groups: facts and feelings. The facts are that there is no reason for someone to be after me. So the feeling is just that, a feeling. Where now I will just stay in my room for a day or so until the spell passes, I used to almost fortify my house. I’m talking seroiusly here, I would hang sheets over windows to keep people from looking it. I would lock and rig all door to alert me if someone tried to get in. A couple times I even went looking for guns as to defend from them.

I go to talk to the therapist here in a couple hours. That should go pretty good. It’s really helped me to just be honest with myself and take it strait. I just tell myself that part of me IS crazy. People say to me that I’m not crazy, I just have a problem. What I tell them is that part of me is indeed crazy, but the majority is normal. It was not being able to and not wanting to differentiate between the two that has gotten me into so much trouble. So by conciouslly seperating the two with myslef, it basically allows me to tell that part of me to just ‘shut up’.

It is almost like a whole different world though now. I’m having to re-learn all my confidence and boundaries in life. Before, the mania would cause me to see a world with no limits, and think of no boundaries when it came to my own abilities. Then when a spell of depression would come, I would simply not give a damn. So I would go a week or so with all this spontaneuity and ambition to start big things, then just suddenly drop them and lose all interest.

That ultimately is what lead me to get help, the inconsitentcy in my functional abilities. Even though for the last ten years I’ve had regular spells of schizophrenia and psychosis as an underlying symptom of extreme mania and depression, I could not see them as symptoms. Either I did not know they weren’t real, or I could not remember because my brain was basically shorting-out. It made my relationship with my girlfriend (now ex) pretty bad. It basically prevented me from feeling any emotion or compassion toward her. I never knew and am still trying to figure out what love feels like. Even to my own family, I find it hard to know even if I can feel love.

But the girlfriend was one thing. Now not getting along with my computer was another. When I started to not be able to work on it and complete projects, like the currently non-evolving Iptic website, that was the final straw. But in the end, it comes down to what Braveheart said, “You can take my woman, but you can never take my computer.” Or at least something like that.

(CubeFan973) #18

Yes, Valarking, autism & Aspergers are totally different. One of my two brothers is a real autistic (not Aspergers), and though I sort of like the company, he’ll always bug me. Worse, he talks about stuff I really hate (does anybody like Dragon Ballz? how about Star Wars E2? The Rush Hour series? The remake of “Planet Of The Apes,” which I guess he likes because it’s about his relatives? Here’s the trick: Do you like them ALL? Yeah, me neither).

Also, when I tell him to shut up whenever he’s talking, he just continues… then again, I guess that’s how it is for everyone. But trust me, he NEVER stops.

He never knocks, either… he’ll just barge into a room, with no warning…

The only way I get revenge is by tricking him into thinking things about Blender pictures that aren’t true (i.e. it’s by Square, it’s a photo). And trust me, he HATES Blender for no reason at all…

The reason I linked them is that there was an article on autism, and it constantly mentioned that Aspergers was a mild form of autism.

(Fort Max) #19

Not if we were all the same charismatic and unpredictable person. Lol :smiley:

On a more serious note I myself was at one point gripped by deppression and I can’t stress enough how important it is to get help or even just to talk about it with a friend or anyone.

I think you can count on this community as a ‘freindly’ and I’m glad you aren’t afraid to discuss such a problem openly. :smiley:

P.S. Now that I think about it my signature is based on my experience with deppression.

(ScottishPig) #20

No offense, bud— but don’t expect any compassion from me.