What I’ve been hiding since last year’s July.
2023-01-21T15:54:00Z
Hi again. I’ve gone on new year’s vacation and met old friends, etc. Surprising how little people change. But then again, most of them never moved houses, so it’s only natural, I thought. People always look for comfort, i.e., less change and less physical or mental work. I do this all the time as well, thusly. Procrastination at its finest. To kill the roadblock to publishing, I’d like to betray myself here to show you just what I’ve been up to. I still can’t believe I’m not finished with this yet. Original approx. time was a month, and it has been, well, several.
↑↑ Jet Engine “02” based on reference and imagination, at the point of Dec.14 of last year.
The time I’ve spent so far:
= Monitoring this project time by TimeMe =
PROJECT: Jet Engine 02 Prog1
ALL TIME: 12 d 15 h 23 m 50 s
ACTIVE TIME: 7 d 0 h 31 m 18 s
WORK TIME: 2 d 16 h 29 m 29 s
RENDER TIME: 1 d 7 h 24 m 59 s
Mind you that a lot of that “work time” was me flying around it, desperately trying to think up new ideas.
It began as an “ooh, that looks easy to make and cool” kind of mindset, as I aimed at creating something very detailed and of beauty. I began working on this one, about halfway through July of last year.
I made one jet based only on my mind, which was, in actuality, going to be a sonic weapon of sorts, but as I went on making it, I realized that it was better off just making a jet engine. Something that really has some reference out there, and if I just change some places, it can have a bit of originality.
Here's the first iteration:
↑↑"Turbine 01" Rendered July.10, 2022
See-through, ooh how cool! The hull is too thick, it probably won’t leave the ground. I have only criticism to give this work, despite knowing that it was intended to be a weapon. Funny how it didn’t change much in my “Jet Engine 02”, and I guess my mind just can’t keep up with the fact that I got it wrong twice, so it just shuts up. I can only say that it was decent for a first attempt while dragging thoughts that are just floating in my mind, that I don’t, in reality, tend to.
I have some other progress renders of the 02, here are some:
↑↑ The first image is the semi-finished version of the “FFM 01” that I uploaded here, as my first topic ever:
Here’s my reference board, using PureRef:
It’s surprisingly hard to find blueprints. Ones that have actual numbers and measurements, so some things in my work are guessed, but put neatly within the believable realm. The numbers are pretty neat, too. Except, of course, for the imperfections +/- .000001~.000999mm. If you use millimeters as your unit, it’ll start to happen. Even when you put the exact numbers into a field. The worst part is that it only shows as a 0 until you click on it to show the rest of the digits. One of too many of my pet peeves.
"Pinned Nanometer Nails" in action
↑↑Jul.30, 2022, within my humbled PC.
I don’t really know what the issue is, might as well show it as a “0” so I can feel way better. Just your typical perfectionist, but it adds up, and when you realize, things will be just a little off, it takes you back to the numbers that you can’t fix. If Blender had a system where if you put in 0, it cancels everything after that out after the calculations finish after the number is set, I think you can avoid a few itches. So every bit of rotation caused by glitches (I guess) will be canceled unless you actually put the numbers in fields.
I digress, but the name “Pinned Nanometer Nails” comes from the fact that something big as a nail is pinned down in a nano-awkward way, that seems so tiny, but regardless brings me into a foggy field, making me progress through mental friction, significantly slowing me down. It’s just like my room right now, cold if you turn off the heater, feeling dull and thirsty if you turn it on. There is no compromise decision unless you want to dampen the whole place with a cheap humidifier. The keyword is cheap. My place makes me want to quit everything, and my PC/programs are only pushing me to do so.
I’m proud of myself, mostly because it turned out pretty nicely as a Dalí picturesque ness, but also because of how I dealt with my perfectionist being a gatekeeper to my endless possibilities for the fact that I’m not skilled enough to tackle such tasks. I still hate imperfections though.
Bit off-topic, but I’m also working on two other projects, one is a ”電柱”, a Japanese electrical pole that will go nicely with the scene I have in mind for my jet engine here, and also a car with a front face that I saw in my dream:
Said dream
Which was a dream, where me and my imaginary friends (I have a lot, enough to do a barbeque party with now, meat fibers. ←which is a Mark Zuckerberg joke where he’s having a BBQ with his tiny friend group, meaning I don’t actually have that many friends. Trust me, my weird sense of humor doesn’t stop there 
Please don’t tell anyone) are running from a typical huge tyrannosaurus rex and finding a multi-story parking lot, where we find a lot of unique looking vehicles, ranging from farm tractors to SUVs to supercars, with faces that have a lot of oval-shaped headlights. I picked the fast-looking pickup truck, which I decided not to make, instead, I’m making a typical sports car because it’s easier. Later iterations are to be not promised, but you can dream.
After the said dream, I began another rant.
which I also have decent progress on (this rant) but will only probably show after I’ve finished. It will also go very neatly with my clean jet engine test room/old shack/you get it, everything else. I hope it doesn’t turn into one of those “supercars” renders with a background that doesn’t make sense, with a character in front for no reason. I really liked car renders, despite how everyone says how easy they are to make, of course until they began doing only that. It’s every child’s dream to make their own car, and now, mine too. But in my mind, following instructions from someone else to make something yours and unique, gives me the sense that they never really cared about uniqueness in the first place. Call me strict or hating, but really, does that render really make you feel like you’ve made something yourself? Publishing it and calling it yours is different from making it yourself, says a person who’s trying to make a typical test chamber for a jet engine, but see, no one I know makes that. It’s my knee-jerk reaction to things that everyone does, that makes me breathe less and cringe so hard that my spine starts to vibrate. I really hate being the same as others, don’t I? Even if the job becomes so much more tedious, I’ll do it my way. Ijust,Ijustcan’t.Ican’tbreathe.
Sorry for my lack of stable ground, I’m like this all the time, only really knowing what happened in the past decaying memories, that also have enough dreams and false memory to stray far from reality. Reality!?
What was I talking about? Oh yes, well actually, I can’t decide. I’m trying to cramp in details worth a couple of its own topics, and my mind is quite messy right now. I should’ve done this, and that, while not exactly happy with what I’ve done in reality.
I should’ve saved that dream car file I was working on. When I switched to solid view, it crashed. Don’t expect any updates on the new file, I’m gonna head out for a moment. The headlight proportion was just right! I can’t believe I didn’t just make a messy save in my Blender folder where everything else is neatly organized, felt like it would be tedious afterward, never thought it would crash with a seemingly simple command! ←making it very tedious indeed.
↑↑As you can see here, a human mind can have many errors and contradictions while keeping it seemingly very “foggy” so that it can rest at night, full of dreams that can relax and organize memories, that will also replace some memories, making them false from time to time. Drunken society is drunk because everyone does the same thing every day, putting themselves in a gray zone thinking if they really should be doing what they do, but they say it’s an unspoken rule or whatever to justify their social needs, which is to never leave the herd. I’m drunk because I can be on a single thought, expanding beyond the horizon, stretching it beyond recognition so that even if the ending conclusion is a horrifying reality that I’ve conveniently avoided due to personal complexes and conflicts against my personality, I can sleep well and dream again.
I should be full of ideas at this point, from dreams and all, in the shape of a ton of sketches and pictorial books, ready to use as assets, but I don’t write them down because it starts as a messy mind dump, and the more I draw and write the more I stray from my original idea. The mind indeed, was a very foggy place whether I make it intentionally foggy, or not. Am I not in control?? The wall between my imagination and reality is a hard one to get things through it.
Speaking of walls, I listened to “Comfortably Numb” - Pink Floyd while staring at the image at the top, and it fits pretty well. The dreamy mind fog goes along with the song title, as well IMO. Not only just that song but with songs from “Goodbye Cruel World” to “The Show Must Go On”.
In fact, I listened to all of “The Wall”, despite it being a prog rock album that changes its tone as it travels through its worldview, but hey, I never understood people who pick popular songs and listen only to them, because you know what? The album is supposed to be one long story! By the way, I got recommended this album when I said that the school system we have today lacks even the potential it can have, but recently when I actually listened to the full album, I realized that this album was only a fraction when it came to telling how school was back then, more so about the world they lived in as a whole. But my father (he was probably just laughing at me, considering how real work can be, but I’ll take the more likely and “like him” chance that he was trying to slip into my age to feel what he did back then) and I weren’t entirely wrong, since art such as music can hold up for a long time, being translated and bent into reality as we change a society that brings its merits and downsides, fitting metaphors and such into new problems that conveniently looks as if it were a Neo Natzi version of the original. Which, is part of the album’s story, as you will see… (I think) (In my mind)
Sorry about that. I also had a fever during my vacation, which indeed made me “comfortably numb”. ←They really nailed the “my hands felt just like, two balloons” and “A distant ship smokes on the horizon” parts.
Consider this a diary/journal, where I put down random day remarks whenever something happens in my “being an artist time”, with doodles and ideas in my mind that in fact are paired with the daily happenings, so I don’t really know why they make them separate. I’ll put a more detailed art-breakdown worthy work-in-progress kind of timeline-based topic. A probable good example would be @piranha4D’s last year’s entry, Piranha4D's Learning and Practice 2022. But making all projects separate, and I’ll probably link them here for the progress report.
To make it simple for TL;DR peoples:
- Finish the Jet Engine 02
- Make a scene for it to be showcased in (one for the clinically clean test room look, and the other for an old storage room look, ←I’ll put the 電柱 within this one, I think.
- Finish the 電柱 (Electric Pole with cool-looking modules and electrical lines, 電柱 maniacs will love it)
- Off topic but also finish the third project named “dream car” for now, and I intend to make it a separate scene, possibly a multi-story parking lot, where I found it in my dream.
Not in order of course, just the way it goes smoothly as I can make it.
Tools I’ve used so far
- TimeMe (Tracks your Blendy time!): https://b3d.interplanety.org/en/blender-timeme/
- MeasureIt Tools: From the Blender’s add-on’s tab
- PureRef: https://www.pureref.com/
The thoughts about time:
During the making of this “Jet Engine 02”, I felt like I’m losing time at a very fast pace. It told me how my job was restricting greatly my “artist” work environment, how that keeps me away from basic human interactions, and how its repetitive nature, coupled with my age and long hours, makes me feel myself skimming across the face of the timeline faster than everyone else. I don’t seem to be making enough progress to do all the artistry works that I have in plan (with more to come, obviously) while keeping up with my life, trying to find someone to be with, trying to find the time for my basic needs of human interactions (this one, friends), and still having the time to relax and do nothing.
This thought only makes me more depressed as I said in my this original topic, as I slide into a new year where the famous virus and war and other world events such as people being very reluctant to spend their precious time with each other increasingly as time passes, still being a worldwide problem, making me worried about the current situation of myself. More than offending others, more than the virus itself, and more than the typical modern world problems such as global warming, which seem to attract the attention of kids in their teens. The more I try to tackle my problem with time and how I use it to my advantage, trying to enrich the time spent on whatever, the more I feel like I can’t possibly do anything to change my stance, my position as a worker who will die for his company. When it comes to anything I do including my job, I take it too seriously as a professional and perfectionist, as I see the immediate problem being the eyes that go all over me when I walk down the street. As I started my new journey beyond childhood, I began to think as one worker in a quiet society where no one talks about the obvious problems, where everyone tries to think otherwise, just trying to live life. As a mobile traveler type person, I find that very alarming and self-deprecating as well as the actual destruction of my mental self. It’s the exact opposite of what I want to be, a free person, only restricted by his own goals and finish lines. But I know very well at this point that reality is not what everyone wants, and that people will kill to be in my position. But what people don’t talk about, is the sheer time that’s spent, staying in one place and going through every day as they did their last.
Change is what I live for, and the difference and distance from others are what I aim for. I will always be on the “creative side” where people try to change reality by inspiring others with their art, never going with them.
As I am running with all my strength facing the opposite way from what I want to be, as time carries me, I can only feel so helpless. It’s not the fact that I need to do something else, it’s that I haven’t done anything else. It’s the fact that I’m such a weak person, that despite saying all this, I’m still on the side of drunken society. This thought only reinforces itself as I live on this unhealthy life, where I keep my problems to myself. This time, I can only hope for time to solve itself, while I get enough self-confidence and money to travel off. Being broke isn’t the tragedy, it’s being stuck and can’t widen my view to see other things as solutions. As 岡田斗司夫 said.
Forgive me, for I have nowhere else to say this, and please take this as an excuse for my long absence, as well as my notoriously late work. Until I find a good enough solution, I need to suffer more. The fact that I haven’t changed, is the very fact that I, as a human, instinctively think that this is the safest place to be. I haven’t suffered enough. That’s all.
For those who’ve already gone through this state, I know that this is only my problem, and please, just talk about how beautiful my Jet Engine 02 is, even if it’s not finished. I’ve already thought of what I can, so take this as a journal, from a person long gone. Like reading someone’s book long after they’ve passed, taking it only as an event that took place, not as a problem. I only see this place as that, not a mental clinic. It’s just my thoughts, and I know they’ll pass, I just wanted them to pass already, so hopefully, this makes me embarrassed when I upload it, it means, that at that point, it wasn’t such a huge problem after all. If I still feel the urge to fix something then, well, the fact stands that I haven’t suffered enough. I want to say only time will tell, but that’s what I’m losing. I really need to go outside, I’m already talking to myself again.
This is off-topic, but it was necessary IMO to connect the dots I’ve scattered like the child that I am.
For the phone users:
There. Now I feel much better. Don’t you? I mean I’ve stared at this thing for longer than any of you at this point, and I still feel relieved. I guess dreams are the only places I can feel most comfortable. Oh, wait… What in hell am I doing when I need to…!
Anyways, I’ll finish my rant for today here, and I hope you’ve enjoyed your reading time haha. 
More on the Jet Engines and cars and poles later, as I will make a detailed post about the process of how to make them, a real reader’s time-worthy art-breakdown that will be! Until then, ta-ta.
Hannibal Lecter was a great series! Okay, I’ll stop.
2023-01-21T20:58:00Z ←Wow that was long.